hate is such a strong word
words can cut like a knife
but when they come from your flesh and blood
it's more like jason, freddy and michael myers mayhem
hate can be used in many contexts
a word that can be depicted in many aspects
but when your own blood says they "hate" you
it's a bottomless pit
and knocks you down
to the lowest point
EVER.
over the last year my son has used that term
but only recently he really put emotion behind it
within those words he used against me
as weapons of punishment towards me
i finally got him to open up to me
yesterday
a week after his first therapy appointment
he tells me he has hated me since he lived with me
out west in california a few years back
waking up everyday knowing he has a "gay father"
yet i told him seven years ago when he was seven
he held it in apparently for all this time
maybe it's his age
maybe it's his friends
maybe it's just him
maybe it's a cover up for something deeper
tears ran down his cheeks yesterday
as i sat and witnessed my son open up
for the first time to me ever really
but i saw it in his eyes
and i looked back at him with tears welled up in my own eyes
only to feel worse than ever
living this lifestyle, or hell lack of it really
has cause me nothing but grief, heartache and loneliness
but to have my son "hate" me for something i am, or am not
hurts so bad, a numb tingling feeling deep inside
a vengeful tact? a plot to hurt me after what i have done?
hell i moved away three times because i wanted to have a more "open" lifestyle
does he hold resentment towards me because i left to find myself so many times
and now he is in the situation he is in with the law and more
and i wasn't here to protect him from it when his mother didn't
i have so many questions and pray to hear those answers someday
you can say dont take it personal
but i am
cause it hurts
d.
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