breathe in, breathe out

this morning we woke up
and we took a breath
we were breathing all night
how does that work
it keeps us alive everyday
every moment
every second
sometimes we stop breathing
then we are no longer here
yet we should be thankful
for the breaths that we get to take
we may not understand how it all works
we should be thankful for those breaths
and that at night while we are sleeping
we are breathing and in the morning
we wake up and it's another day ahead of us
a breath
repetitive breaths
breathing
it's what keeps us alive
so keep that in mind
our body keeps us breathing
somehow, someway
and we are alive because of it
so take a deep breath now
breathe in, breathe out

peace

d.

Gratitude

This week I had a moment to be reminded of something we all take for granted and that is "gratitude" - when we are all down and out and think life is at the worse; we continue to seek the negative; not knowing there are things out there that we should be and need to be grateful for. My recent stay in the hospital really opened my eyes and during a session with a group of people my eyes were awakened and we made a list and I am going to type mine here of what I am grateful for.

"For all this and more, I am grateful for...."

- even though are relationship is currently strained, I am grateful for my son, Chase, he's an almost 14 year old teenager and is going through his own mental development. What he says I can't take personally, but I am grateful for having a healthy child, even with anger, because unfortunately there are people, womena and men, who can not even have a child.

- thought I have mental and physical challenges, I am grateful that I am becoming stronger with each wall I break down, because some people never can find that strength within.

- so grateful for the amazing experiences I have encounter over my life, the positive ones, the traveling, places I lived, people I have met, and some mini dreams I made come true.

- though I have been a victim of abduction and sexual abuse in my youth, I am still full of love and one day will be detached from those traumas to experience the real emotion of love fully.

- grateful for the courage to plead for help and come into the hospital at a moment where I dont know what I was or wasn't going to do.

- grateful for the talent as a writer, whether I ever get published or not, I know that I have a great talent and my outlet for expression; and others have seen it as well, make me feel good.

- though my mother and i have had a rollercoaster of a relationship over the decades, that now, today, we are closer than ever and she is the only supporter I have emotionally, and grateful that God has kept her in my life, even though her own poor health has taken her down.

- grateful for the sunshine and the rain

- grateful for a smile from a stranger

- grateful for the invention of the internet as it's been a great tool for me

- grateful to know i AM a good person and even when i am full of negative, i now see a glimmer of positive

- grateful i breathe, and woke up this morning as some don't wake up

- grateful for those friends in my life, knowing they are far from here, still keep in contact with me online and for those who I have hurt and no longer keep in contact, one day hope they will forgive me.

- grateful for being able to share this with you

Now what are you grateful for? Gratitude is taken for granted, and when we are in dispair we need to look for ONE good thing no matter how bad our life gets, and smile and think, it could be worse.

d.

An Angel Sang 2 Me 2nite 2 b Brave

out of nowhere, with a click of a button
i was taken to a page where there was a song
i investigated it further to find out who it was
he started to sing
as if he was singing to me...

“Everything’s O.K... You’ll be fine, I’ll help you find your way...”
"And I have nothing but faith in you"
"All that I am is what you are and we are"
"I would give anything up for you..."
"I’ll follow through I promise to hold on"
"I’ll never let go won’t let you down"
"If you can stay proud I’ll be brave somehow..."
"Whisper... You can save me I am listening"
"I am waiting for your best to come alive"
"And help me understand the reasons why"
"I’m here now living a feeling unlike my fear"
"Outside of this life I am here now for you..."

as if this angelic voice with piano along side him
knew that i am struggling right now with oh so much
and he was singing to me to tell me to be brave
and know that everything is going to be okay
another daily reminder that there are angels out there
and he was yet another one to enter my life
just by random act of kindness for the love the music
his beautiful vocals spoke to me as if he was an angel
over my shoulder letting me know that this too shall pass
and move forth to a new chapter soon
leaving this all behind as it just had to happen
in order to get to where i am
to be the stronger person i am now
and be brave
as he sings in this song

thank you too, gavin

d.

create our history

everyday we are given the gift of life
to breathe in, breathe out, repeat
we are a blessing from God
as we are given a chance from birth
throughout life to pour ourselves deep within
to become the man, woman and child we are destined to be
each day we need to create our history
because we must keep moving forward to make memories
for ourselves, family and loved ones to create that history
the higher we go, the further we go, the more history we create
as we pass onto the next stage after we are done here
we have left behind a history of some sorts for our loved ones
what we must realize is that we are all victims to this history
we can make a change with each decision we make starting today
so everyday create your history by doing the best you can today
so tomorrow can become the next page of your history
because if we give up, the chapters dwindle down
and our harmony of life is then taken away
because we only fail if we don't try
now get out there and don't give up
have faith, believe in something
have strength, it's in there
have power, your living proof
and go create your history

d.

Freedom of a Fresh Face

swimming along the seas that splash up against you
i am right there next to you
yet you dont even see that i am right there
and that i care about you, a new friend
you are a rare breed to be found
and i am trying to pull you away from loneliness
the anchor on you is too hard for me to pull
you have to let go of some of this weight
let it fall behind you
swim faster if you have too
catch up
i will slow down a bit
dont fall too far behind
you may lose what is right in front of you
dont give up on yourself, it's right in front of you
dont give up on me, give me a chance to show you all of me
dont give up on the possibility of us, if it's meant to even be
keep breathing
we cant afford for you to drown, taking me down too
so keep on swimming and i will keep you afloat
go for the gold at the end of the swim
it's worth if you just let it be
forget the past and everything back then
focus on the future and what lies ahead
it's a beautiful light just that just started beaming
ready to explode into this ocean and the horizon awakens
and every one will see a new light
the real light
the light you radiate
the light i radiate
when i am swimming right next to you
so just go ahead
dont be scared
the water isn't that cold
and dive into my ocean
you wont drown.

d.

let me make myself clear

ladies, but mostly gentlemen
step right up, and listen carefully
i want to put forth in words
written from my heart on a matter of love
love? what is it? is it even possible?
in my world, it's been not there from a partner;
yet only from family and some friends;
make myself clear that what i want
is something so simple but yet so hard to achieve
beceause being different and being in a lifestyle
like the one i live in has us requiring too many things
when all i want is simplicity
i want someone to accept me for me, flaws and alls
i want someone to laugh with me, while being silly
i want someone to cry with me, while holding me
i want someone to not judge me, when i don't look my best
i want someone to care about me, no matter the situation
i want someone to hold me at night, knowing you'd be there in the morning
i want someone to not have sex as their top priority, because it's not mine
i want someone to want to be together for more than one night, i want many
i want someone to want to be with me, only me and no one else
i want someone to show appreciation and affection, not be scared to be themselves
i want someone to fall in love with me and be proud as i stand by your side
sound so simple doesn't it?
is it a fairy tale?
do straight people have that?
is there even a gay couple who have that kind of simplicity?
or am i just dreaming
hoping
wishing
praying
for something that may never come to frutation
but i can hold on to the faith once again
that he will find me
and abide by wants out of a relationship
but at this time, i am looking for the simple steps of a friend
someone just like above without the intimate relationship parts of it
do you exist?
if you do...

...i'm here.

d.

sorry

I am sorry for hurting those I hurt.
I am sorry for making others cry.
I am sorry for taking advantage of others.
I am sorry for not getting help when asked.
I am sorry for ruining other's finances.
I am sorry for leading other people on.
I am sorry for moving away from family.
I am sorry for yelling at those i have.
I am sorry for altering everyone's future.
I am sorry for not asking for help sooner.
I am sorry for not being honest before now.
I am sorry for angering so many people.
I am sorry for loving you, then leaving you.
I am sorry for all the fights i've been in.
I am sorry for the rages that exploded.
I am sorry for the disappointments i led people.
I am sorry for the tears we all cried together.
I am sorry for taking and not giving in this world.
I am sorry for not being considerate enough.
I am sorry for being selfish and selfless.
I am sorry for being a bad son when younger.
I am sorry for being a distant dad when older.
I am sorry for not trying to be "that" husband.
I am sorry for letting everyone down so much.
I am sorry for pushing the ones i hurt away.
I am sorry for the words left unsaid.
I am sorry for not remembering that last kiss.
I am sorry for the unfortunate end.
I am sorry for running from the truth.
I am sorry for the carelessness.
I am sorry for throwing things.
I am sorry for doing evil deeds and vengeful acts.
I am sorry for the obsessions and impulsiveness.
I am sorry for the fear I never dealt with until now.
I am sorry for the goals I made but never achieved.
I am sorry for messing up my credit.
I am sorry for the lies i told to get by.
I am sorry for the underlying manipulations.
I am sorry for the sleepless nights i know i caused.
I am sorry for the way all of you feel about me now.
I am sorry for the way it all ended but now it's a new beginning.
I am sorry for being a problem but now I am solving it.
I am sorry for not trusting you but wanting everyone to trust me now.
I am just sorry.

But I am not sorry the adventures that led me to now.
I will be a better man now.
I am going to get the help I need.
I am going to release the inner demons.
Somehow, but for now to all of you,
I am sorry.

d.

faith

ok so my brain is confused
there's some inbalance up in there
like an elevator going up and down
repeatedly, over and over, everyday
you think my writings are exhausting
trying having the demons within
i have asked someone special for help
he directed me to God and to find my faith
i am going to start going to church
to find that peace within
and be amongst good people
to accept me and just be social
i am going to try to think as positive as i can
about the upcoming medical disability hearing
because my fears and the demons are taking over
and that can alter the outcome
i want to find faith in something
i want to find faith in myself
i want to find trust in someone
i want to find trust in myself
God has a plan for every one of us
I dont understand when people say that
especially when bad things happen to good people
I have a lot of questions, but no answers
I am reaching out with my arms wide open
asking for help
and yeah with some therapy and medication
i can soothe the anguish i suffer from today
but overall i want some comfort to know
that i am sane and okay deep down inside
and have that faith
to have faith.

d.

Lost Cause or Hopeful Soul

A smiling sunshine came my way
to wipe away the darkness felt so long
I became determined to find my soul
and find myself was the ultimate goal

I just wanted to start again and move on
but the physical pain and discomfort
has continued to ruined my chances
just as a newfound soul gave me glances

I been home a while now and still alone
I go online to have interaction with others
At the end of the day all I want is to be held
as I cry away this pain and the loneliness away

As I meet new people I put on a pretty smile
but inside the struggles are going on awhile
I dont want much about my life alas
But here I sit here and another year has passed

No progress in my present situation
I did make a huge breakthrough
With one of the people who ruined me
Forgiving him instead of being vengeful

Another test, another doctor's appointment
No answers yet I can't keep a job or provide
I just want to stand on my own two feet, literally
and have what I thought was rightfully mine

Instead, I am confined to this body that aches
The pain is a reminder that I am trapped with no key
How did I get to this place and this space I invade
When one thing is fixed another gets broken

I am thankful for my child, he's my saviour
Even in these preteen years, he's testing me
He claims he "hates" me right now for abandoning him
He's been through so much in such a short time

I sit here typing this not really knowing what i am saying
I have looked up above and hope to start again by praying
I have fallen once again, do I have the strength again
I have lifted myself up so many times but I am tired

I want to be held.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the one.
I want to be a fighter.
I dont want to be a victim.
I dont want to be a survivor.
I dont want to disappoint
Myself.
My son.
Again.
And Again.
And Again.

Cause it's a lost cause...at least to me
the next months will tell more in my tale

d.

TV Movie of the Week

weakness, hatred
anger, guilty
lust, envy
revenge, lonely
tears, fear

Starring: d.

abducted @ 5
bullied @ 10
parents divorced @ 11
1st suicide attempt @ 14
a hit/run @ 16
cause me to fear driving
tried pot @ 16
broke into school @ 16
stole someones file
obsession overload
beat up @ 16
from the guy i obsessed over
raped twice, different men @ 17
which led to me hating men
and anxiety disorder
afraid of the touch of another
ran to best female friend @ 19
to hide from who i was and am
married her @ 19
went bankrupt @ 20
became a father @ 21
filed divorced by 22
met a stranger @ 23
never met him in person
moved him here
dreadful relationship
FedEx'ed him back home @ 24
2nd suicide attempt @ 25
i then gained 70 lbs
determination made me lose 70 lbs
joined Navy @ 25; failed
moved to the south @26
homeless within a week
gave myself to a stranger
rescued by another stranger
partied without caution
always to make sure no one would hurt me again
i was hungry
i was fed
i became a woman for fun
a new man came along
became yet another obsession
at the time
it became a fraudulant relationship
i ran more taking him with me cross country
what i thought was love ended in a new state
when it was found to be a comfort level vs. love
i was not in my right mind, or my left one
i was alone in a big city
a new drifter moved into my life
only to buy me my "dream"
which ended in a nightmare
i came home to face my past
to have a better present
and pray for a beautiful future
a year in bed 90% of the day
body pain, mental anguish,
fear, depression, bipolar,
poor, helpless, unable to work
time can be your friend and also an enemy
i learned more about who i was all by myself
than any therapy, friend or family could tell
i grew stronger
i became independent
shed those past layers
faced my rapist after 16 years
forgave him vs. vengeful acts
groin pain for 14 years has plagued me
no one can help me with that it seems
then vanished after an act of kindness
that no doctor could fix or thousands of medical dollars
newfound health issues attack me now
the dream is an illusion
a disillusion of darkness
clicking on screen names to find the next something
knowing i must face a world of being lonely forever
i met another woman, ended in yet another disaster
better off alone now i feel
moved back home to indiana to help my son
now i am here
pray i can embark on some amazing journies
once the medical and mental hearing is over
i hear it all the time

"you are so beautiful douglas"
"you have a good heart douglas"
"your eyes are so deep and peaceful"

you have no idea guys
that you can't touch
that you can't kiss
that you can't love
i am unloveable

i have to find my faith again
i have to find my inner identity
i have to find it on my own
but i am reaching out my hand
to any stranger
along the way
to help.

i just need a director and producer
and a cast...

would you wanna fill those shoes?

Please Lover

I was impulsive and made a mistake
I walked away from you without trying
You gave me plenty of chances
Yet I was the one who kept on lying

Please lover, come back to me
Please lover, give me a chance
Please lover, I want you to see
Please lover, give me another glance
Please lover, please

I sit on the beach listening to the waves rush by
Having flashbacks of the years we spent together
Knowing I promised to change but did I even try?
Remembering when we said this would be forever

I get up and walk down the path in the sand
Looking for a sign of how to move on from this
Wishing I was here with you holding my hand
Now, you and I would be headed towards bliss

Please lover, are you listening?
Please lover, do you miss me?
Please lover, do you even care?
Please lover, listen to my heart sing
Please lover, please

I see you in the distant walking away from me
You closed the swinging doors for good
Vanishing before me I know now we are free
My fantasy is dying, but maybe it should

Goodbye my lover
Goodbye my soul
Please lover

what do you do when...

what do you do when you are afraid of the unknown?
what do you do when you have given up on your faith?
what do you do when you dont have the hope you once had?
what do you do when you have tried but failed, or did you try?
what do you do when you walk a mile but end up three miles back?
what do you do when you care so much about a passion, that it backfires?
what do you do when you want something so bad, but will never happen?
what do you do when you look at the future and see darkness, where's the light?
what do you do when you see yourself in the mirror and wonder who is looking back?
what do you do when you realize you have mental illness and scared and embarassed?
what do you do when you feel like you are all alone in this world, period?
what do you do when you hope for a small change, then bricks are thrown in your path?
what do you do when you have taken from the world and now want to give back?
what do you do when you try to be sensitive to others, but come off insensitive?
what do you do when you fall down, try to get up for a split second, fall again?
what do you do when you lost your faith and your hope, where do you go now?
what do you do when you seek the truth about you, only to find something worse?
what do you do when you climb each mountain and hill; only slipping down the slopes?
what do you do when you have anger and it's towards self and the world?
what do you do when you use your muscles to smile then instantly go to frown?
what do you do when you are so alone you just want anyone to hold you, but hurt them?
what do you do when you want to be left alone but deep down you yearn for a hug?
what do you do when you have all these questions, but never an answer
what do you do when your eyes are so filled with tears
and they can't stop crying
the river has been let go
and breathe in hope
and exhale out the worry

I need hope.
I need faith.
I need prayer
I need help.

d.

hope

this rollercoaster is wearing me out this week
i must regain control of some sort of faith
take charge within to make myself and remind myself
that everything will work out in two weeks with my hearing
God knows I have tried and done so well this last year
trying to put life back together and get the help i need
i am failing right now yes, i am crying every night
my inbalances are out of whack and have destroyed every friendship i have
no body understands me as i dont understand myself
unless you are inside my brain at this moment you can't comprehend it all
but as i sit here more relaxed for the moment, who knows how long that will last
i have to have faith, hope and prayer on my side
i bought a bible today to find some faith and path to follow
as i pray that i am taken to this hearing and the judge hears and sees my soul
grants me the winning within her decision making time
and i can then focus on medically, physically and mentally getting on track
but without that, i am afraid the end result of what would happen to me
will be horrid, so please God, if you are listening, save me, help me
and look after my son as well during both of our transformations

amen

d.

i dont want to be recognized

this entity has embarked his own personal journey on me
for way too long in my life
i've tried to remove it
from writing, screaming, running, moving
never can sit still in one place as i can't rid myself of him
he's always lurking making me see things i never want to see
making decisions i would have never had if he was busy with someone else
i want to become invisible so that he can't find me anymore
i dont want him to recognize me anymore
embrace a new face of nothing but light and shine
evil has a powerful stake in our lives
it can take a person from one extreme to another
in a blink of an eye
leaving you so down that the ladder is broken to regain control
to find the light up above
your inner strength must fight off the demons no matter the consequence
just can't be seen anymore
i must find a way to put up a wall or a facade so he can't see me anymore
he has done enough to me in my life that i want freedom
the shackles broken from my feet so that i can fly
oh so high that he can never bring me back down to his dungeon
and that i can see nothing but a brighter future

d.

last night a stranger saved my life

unbeknownst to me a stranger on the west coast
came into my life through the power of love of music
spoke to me in a way no one ever has
to really help me embark on my path of a more glorified way
it's hard for me to take this concept when i never "believed" before
now i must walk this path and walk hand in hand with this stranger
even from afar as i take on a new relationship with someone new
who gave me the reasonings for why i am here today
and who should help me through the rough times
if it was meant for me to go, i'd be gone for now
my purpose here has not yet been discovered
the emotional and physically challenges i have endured
only have made me more pissed and stronger
but this stranger has taken time out of their busy life
to walk and talk with me to guide me down a path
this week has been extremely tough on me
the world out there is goin through it's own turmoil
but when it's your own inner soul that's being devoured
it's hard to see through the rest of the world's eyes
when your own eyes are being decieved and your heart melts
cause your path is blocked by the evil that has lied within you
for so many years
this may not make a bit of sense to any of you
but to who this is for and to God himself; I hope it helps
in return, one day, somehow, i will pay this forward
to make a difference in someone else's life
amen.

d.

(help me) remember you

like brush strokes covering a canvas
the memories of what was there before
have faded away once again
without warning you stepped back into my life
i dont remember our last goodbye
or even how it all ended last year
it's a faded vision as i attempt to envision that moment
my memory is fading worse over time and proven tonight
without warning i walked side by side tonight with you
talking about the last year of our lives
so much has change for the both of us
both good and bad changes in our directions
we both have moved on to different paths
yet we were reconnected once again tonight
by pure chance encounter out in the middle of nowhere
our conversation was flawless as if we never parted
i looked into your eyes only to see something
something i can't put into words because i can't remember
what happened to us last summer
why did we fall apart
where did we go wrong
who's fault was it we parted
your eyes looked at me tonight and it gave me a glimmer
but not enough to remember it all
it's all foggy and i don't recall
help me, remember you
though you've moved on with your life
something deep within felt alive
but i dont know why
it just was nice
thank you
but help me
remember you
and remember us


d.

u hear me now

standing here at the corner of nowhere and somewhere
i see you up there but can you see me
screaming to get your attention
you are distracted with so many other voices
i asking for you to listen to me
is that too much to ask for in this time of redemption
i sing out a song to find the right melody and tune
the clouds begin to part as the sunshine begins to shine through
maybe my song is loud enough to call you
we do not need cell phones in this world
we do not need a computer to get the point across
my message is being written in the words i express
through words of love as i stand on this corner
looking up above at the unknown
but i am asking now that the clouds parted
and the sunshine has grounded down onto me
does that mean u can hear me now?

d.

beLIEve

Do you believe?

Can you have faith?

Where is your strength?

Do you believe?

Can you see yourself happier?

Where is your heart at?

Do you believe?

Can you feel something better coming?

Where are you heading too now?

Do you believe?

Can you hear my song i'm singing?

Where are you tonight?

Do you believe?

Can you imagine the endless nights?

Why aren't you here 2nite?

Do you believe

or is it all a beLIEve?

d.

disconnected

in today's world we are all spread out

we utilize electronics and technology

instead of the warm embrace of the human touch

we instant message

rather than speak on the phone

or better yet in person

we text on our phones

rather than talk to the person

no interpersonal relationships exist

as it once did

we type on our computers an email

versus writing a letter

putting a stamp on it

and mailing it

we go online to chat rooms to meet others

rather than go out and run into someone new

technology has made us so instanteously relatable

yet we are so far apart

so disconnected

we no longer have the human contact

of a hug

of an embrace

of a hand shake

we apply for jobs online

and never get a chance

because we dont see the person

face 2 face

we don't see smiles online

we can create the smile icon

but nothing is like the real thing

our youth and older are playing video games

non stop becoming more lazy each day

our health is getting worse with all of this

and our minds are becoming mush

with all the television, movies and trash around

we dont utilitize our minds, our brains and our soul

like God intended for us too

our lives are so fast paced anymore

so rushed, we never take a moment for ourselves

for our spouse, for our family, for our friends

so go out and do something 4 someone else for a change

i believe

when one does it

it will ripple

d.

a confused stranger

he steps out of his car walking up to you
you can't quite see his face
but he's looking at you
he smiling at you wanting something
yet so quiet and shy
you can't quite make out what he wants
he goes in for the kill
quietly taking
trying to give back
hurting you
not knowing it at the time
you try to hold back the emotions
yet temptation kicks in
you are led down a path once again
you promised you'd never go down
yet here you are again
when the truth slaps you in the face
when the words are spoken
that once again you are not good enough
so to that i say
i know i did not do anything wrong
you will be the one who suffers
the loss of a friend who cares about you
didn't mean to make you confused
go be alone in a world so full loneliness
so go on with your life unsettled
so tired of everyone not knowing what they want
when if they just looked within they'd see it there
i shall continue down my path
where i will see more light
and no more darkness will hold me back
it felt so good there for a skinny minute
then guilt on your side kicked in
because now you need your space
you can take all you want
because God is on my side now

d.

fear

why is it we have fear
what are we really afraid of
some are scared to love
some are scared to be loved
some are scared to leave their home
some are scared to have others in their home
some are scared to be around people
some are scared to be alone
some are scared to be scared
some are scared because they dont know why they are scared
some are scared to let anyone in their life
some are scared and afraid to ask the questions
some are scared to die
some are scared to fail
some are scared to trust
some are scared to care
some are scared to hurt
some are scared
and some aren't scared
i have my own fears
i wont list them
dont want to let anyone know all my secrets
and my vulnerabilities
but know i have fears
and am facing some of them dead on right now
even as i am typing this.

d.

no h8 from son to father

hate is such a strong word
words can cut like a knife
but when they come from your flesh and blood
it's more like jason, freddy and michael myers mayhem
hate can be used in many contexts
a word that can be depicted in many aspects
but when your own blood says they "hate" you
it's a bottomless pit
and knocks you down
to the lowest point
EVER.
over the last year my son has used that term
but only recently he really put emotion behind it
within those words he used against me
as weapons of punishment towards me
i finally got him to open up to me
yesterday
a week after his first therapy appointment
he tells me he has hated me since he lived with me
out west in california a few years back
waking up everyday knowing he has a "gay father"
yet i told him seven years ago when he was seven
he held it in apparently for all this time
maybe it's his age
maybe it's his friends
maybe it's just him
maybe it's a cover up for something deeper
tears ran down his cheeks yesterday
as i sat and witnessed my son open up
for the first time to me ever really
but i saw it in his eyes
and i looked back at him with tears welled up in my own eyes
only to feel worse than ever
living this lifestyle, or hell lack of it really
has cause me nothing but grief, heartache and loneliness
but to have my son "hate" me for something i am, or am not
hurts so bad, a numb tingling feeling deep inside
a vengeful tact? a plot to hurt me after what i have done?
hell i moved away three times because i wanted to have a more "open" lifestyle
does he hold resentment towards me because i left to find myself so many times
and now he is in the situation he is in with the law and more
and i wasn't here to protect him from it when his mother didn't
i have so many questions and pray to hear those answers someday
you can say dont take it personal
but i am
cause it hurts

d.

unexpected mirrored image of oneself

how unexpected did a simple search
lead me to someone like you
you were minding your own business
living your own life not knowing who i was
following your own inner passions
then a stranger appeared out of nowhere
now in your neighborhood
nearly knocking at your door
we're that close in distance from another
opened the door to see a mirrored image
of myself (only more beautiful)
undeniably we have so much in common
in many ways
especially internally with our own desires
passions and mindset of life itself
i think we will bring the best out of each other
whether we realize or not as our paths run parallel
i don't have any expectations of what this is or isn't
and there is no label at this time
we just need to enjoy the moments that we are given
in time it can be sorted out to be something else
it is possible to me that something special can be there
but instead of making things happen in our lives
we just need sit back and to let them happen
I've enjoyed your company, the laughs, the bond, the connection
whatever it may be, whatever it will become
it is, what it is

oh wait, dreaming again damn it

d.

you make me want to find myself

standing here in front of the mirror
all fogged up where i can't see anything
no clear vision of what is on the other side
most my life i just lived my life not knowing
or seeing who was on the other side of that fog
after time on my own to really try to look deeper
i am finding out just who i am and the fog is lifting
the dew on the mirror is fadin away
to reveal just who i am looking at
i was always tryin to follow and be someone else
now while looking behind me standing here
i see you and you are in trouble
and i spent so much time looking in this mirror
that i missed out on all this going on behind me
now that the mist is fading away
i see my little boy all grown up
thinking he's bigger than what he is
and now i am turnin around
to face you head on
and the mist between us
now must fade away as well
because i am not going anywhere
or wont give up on you
i am NOT too late
and you DONT hate me
i just pray the courts listen to me
so i can pave a better future path for you
and our relationship will bond
and you will learn to love me
and respect me as your father
because
you make me want to find myself.

d.

the friend, the wife, and the unmother

this coming winter sixteen years ago
we met
i was at a time in my life where
i didn't know who i was
i didn't know where i was
i didn't know what my future was
you and i became friends
looking back it was an impulsive decision
but i asked your hand in marriage
thinking i could be an excellent husband
after being abused by men in past
and honestly i can say i made a great husband
never abusive, always took care of everything
we wanted to have a family
and a year later was blessed with our angel
the son i always wanted
but never thought i'd have that chance
since i was different than the rest
the time came when i decided to leave you
but the price i had to pay was "giving up" my son
to this date nearly fourteen years later i regret
you were such a warm and funny woman
i had no idea what was in store would have ever happened
like most wives, a husband leaving them is never an easy transition
selfishly, i felt i had to go out at my young age and find myself
my path took me from our hometown where you and our son lived
to the south, to the west, to the east and back home several times
i know our son was so upset with me regarding moving home and leaving again
and maybe one day he will understand why I felt I had to leave when the tough got going
yet one thing never changed, and that's how much I love him
and no one can ever doubt that love for him
i am guilty of moving away and minor things
i have had to deal with that everyday
the majority of my depression stems from all of this
but what you have done is unforgiveable
or i should say the "lack" of what you done when i was gone
i take responsibility as I should have never left him
that's my fault and i am accepting responsibility for that
now i am back, home, here and not leaving anywhere
i now have to try to attempt to fix what you have broken as well
i will do what i can to heal the wounds he has with me
but the list of things you allowed him to get away with
has put him in the trouble with the law he is facing now
his education problems result in a possible learning disability
because you chose to do a majority of his homework over a couple grades
he missed nearly 67 days of school when i was gone last year
you let him grow marijuana plant for an "experiment"
he broke into the neighbors house
he rules that house and you let him
you let him run the streets, never knowing his exact location
and now I am back and I am not going to stop until i get him
only God knows the real truth of what you did and didn't do
to protect him from the thugs, the destruction, the hatred
but God knows I am here and I am not giving up
I forgive you for what you did and didn't do because the anger has consumed me
but I wont forget as I am going to face an uphill battle to save my son
and show him there is a better life out there
My intentions have always been pure and heartfelt.
If I didn't love my son the way I do, I would not fight.
I may not win this custody case, but be damned if I dont go down without a fight
Our son has 5 years until he is legally on his own and I feel I can get him on his feet
You are not the one who he "hates" and tells you repeatedly
Because mommy has let him get away with everything under the sun
So Daddy is here, and I will prove to him, one way or another.

d.

am just as guilty

i am a walking contradiction
i am just as guilty as the rest
some of it is different than norm
but i am just as guilty as society is
i say i want to be this way
yet reality shows i am another way
a way i dont want to be
a way i dont want to see
a way i dont want to feel
i am selfish
that is true
but my selfishness
is a kind that is not
as others imagine
i am odd
i am unique
i am weird
i am different
i am one-of-a-kind
i am me
that's all you can expect
the more i am on my own
the more i am learning
about myself
and what i thought i wanted all my life
is coming full force and show it's light now
who am i?
i ask myself
the answer to that question
is still being researched
so i am not perfect
yet i am human
and so what a little chemical inbalance upstairs
f*ck it
it's who i am
take me
as i am.

the unknown future

we dont know what tomorrow will bring
we can hope, we can pray, we can envision
what we don't know is what will really happen
the unexpected happens all the times
we lose loved ones without a moment's notice
we meet a new person who changes our lives
we get fired from a job and lost in our path
we may get lucky and meet a special friend
we ourselves could be taken from this life
so we must enjoy the moment we are in
i am no one to preach about this for sure
as my emotional rollercoaster has never stopped
but when your motion in the ocean to make it happen
you can make things work for your favor
and you can get what you want out of life
but you must live for right now
this very breathe
because as I type this
the world could end
i know that is dramatic, yes
but the reality is all we have is now
be lucky for our past
and pray for a better tomorrow
no one is perfect
we all say and do things we regret
we must learn to forgive
those who hurt us
and for those we have hurt
we also must listen with our heart
and be patient when others suffer
never give up on yourself
and always be there for others
if someone needs space
then give them space
as the old saying says
if you love someone
let them go
and if they return
it's meant to be
if not...well life must go on
but for now
we can not forsee the future
my own personal goals are set
i pray to the energy out there to help me
and guide me as i transform once again
to be a better man
and a stronger man
as i fight harder than ever
for myself
for my son
and for my unknown future

d.

Friendship Application: DENIED!

When one is searching for some companionship
or at least when I am...
I want to find someone to laugh with
I want someone to watch movies with
I want someone to go out to dinner with
I want someone to listen to music
or just sit together and do nothing
I dont want anyone who has any feelings towards me
unless they are purely platonic
because it can ruin a friendship
male or female
i have experienced them both
nobody knows me
all the haters have their views of me
and the accepters understand
gay men are so selfish
it's all or nothing
when they dont even know the truth
or open their ears and heart
to really understand
the demands i put out there on them
i recently was told off by someone
because of this exact thing
they say i lost a good thing
well in return they lost a good thing
people are so demanding themselves
wanting IT NOW or NEVER
gay men tend to rush so fast
then ruin what could DEVELOP into something special
i am on the road to mental levelness finally
and if i point out to you to read my blog
and you come across this blog
remember, i am looking for friends
because ANY long term relationship
that COULD develop in the long run
must be grounded by a strong friendship
no kissing, no cuddling, nothing else
let that happen when it is meant to happen
have fun
be random
live for the moment
don't ask for more
or you wont get anything at all

d.

so emotional

maybe my time of the month
or maybe the inbalance of hormones
that continue to plague my body
just emotions are up and down a lot lately
so full of tears inside welled up
even a few stream my cheek
overwhelmed with the current satus of life
afraid of some things
yet fearing the future
more and more
the light has went dark
yet wants to burn so bright
lost
confused
alone
scared
the tears are stopped by the dam
but the gates will flow open soon
again.

d.

a friend of mine

we all thrive for friendships in our lives
whether they are high school friends
or the friends we make at the playground
some friends last a lifetime
and some fade away into the darkness
then some remain within you
and leave their mark on you
for eternity
i have this friend
who sometimes is a foe
they always hang around
overstaying their welcome
yet dont want them to leave
i tell them i want to be alone
and they stay around
then i want to be around someone
and they show up and kick them to the curb
my friend is loneliness
about all i can count on
is to be alone
and lonely
i asked for it
and i got it
and i want it
just leave me alone
you dont have to understand
just leave me be

d.

eighteen years ago

today is the day
while others are celebrating with their families
i am taken back half my life ago
to when I was seventeen
a day that changed my life forever
literally
not such a celebration day for me
as the memories come back to me
and haunt me
even after the forgiveness
but the hatred i have towards men
stem from this day
eighteen years ago

d.

If Only

if
if he exists
he will find me
he wont be pushy
he wont be obsessive
he wont be dramatic
he wont be self absorbed
he wont be conceited
he wont be negative
he wont be fraudulant
he wont be typical
but
he will be loving
he will be accepting
he will be charming
he will be funny
he will be romantic
he will be himself
he will just be

if
if only

d.

Go Get It

when we are down and out
not knowing where tomorrow will take us
we reflect on what we want
and how we can get it
if we even can achieve it
in my own life
over many years
i wanted so many things
some material
some physical
some spiritual
some emotional
so I did what we all should be doing
we should just go get it
i made my way to hollywood
from the smalltown usa midwest
i made myself go get it
being an entertainment guru
i wanted to be a part of it
i met many famous people
i even was on a tv show
i met the cast of a fan fave soap
visited the set of the show as well
i wanted love
i had to go get it
i found it within him
we lasted just a few years
but the greatest years i had with anyone
i went and got it
being without a college education
i wanted out of this smalltown usa
went to the big cities
to achieve the work experience that led me
and took me all over the u s of a
any material thing i ever wanted
i went and got it
the spirituality i was searching for
i went and grabbed it
and it put me on a better path
so what i am saying is that when you want something
dont bitch because you dont have it
you have to do something about it
and go get it!
whether it be something you can hold on to
physically
or something you want to feel
it's possible
dont give up
dont let the light fade away with darkness
push yourself
and go get it!

d.

omFg

omfg
what is this all about
omfg
why are we really here
omfg
what is our true purpose
omfg
why do some go so soon
omfg
why do some stay forever
omfg
why is there so much drama
omfg
what is this path we choose
omfg
why are we scared to love
omfg
what are the chances of true love
omfg
why is there pain in our hearts
omfg
why do we hurt those we love
omfg
why is there suffering in this world
omfg
why do bad things happen to good people
omfg
why do we idolize the wrong people
omfg
where do we belong and where do we fit in
omfg
who made the rules of life, love and the universe
omfg
who, what, where, why, when
so many questions
never any answers

d.

ClusterFUCK

I want to hand my soul over to another
I pray to the energy out there
to get my path chosen
and walk me down it
to find a brighter light
each time i start to see the light
it begins to fade
then it repeats all over again
like a vicious circle
mental health
medical health
physical health
pain
confusion
impulsivity
anxiety
rid me of the evil
shine with me instead
by shining the light down on me
and let me shine the light to others
and make it contagious
to those who I encounter
I know what I "want"
you have to go out and TAKE what you want
like I have taken and made things happen for me
if i can just fix the machine within
so i can run a bit more smoothly
to enjoy this life i was given.

d.

Vamp Me Over

Oh what I would give
to have a bite
from the dark one
to have that ever living soul
to never have to face death
only to keep living
to feed off the blood of those who deserve to go
to see the decades and centuries ahead of me
and to write about all that you will never see
to have that ever lasting longing to be accepted
as I would continue to be a unique individual
who only lives by the blood of another
and find the one true love to love me forever
and have eternity behind and ahead of me
to never have to say goodbye to the one i love
to make a difference in this world
and the worlds to come
so vamp me over
c'mon and bite me
transform me
take away my pain
and bring on the eternal youth

vamp me over

d.

It's Happening Again

It's happening again.
My mind is on it's own destination.
My body has overcome with those feelings.
My heart is racing.
My emotions are out of whack.
My fears are full forced.
My voices tell me things.
My impulses are pulsating.
My threshold is about to explode.
My irritability is on the edge.
My brain waves are crossed and mixed signals.
The electrical impulses are shocking me.
Withdraw from challenges within.
How will I get through this again.
This gets old.
Real quick.

d.