Constellation Conversation

I have given it all my best
treated you better than rest
left cold and lonely in the trail
of these tears that stream my face
like a gypsy, i've traveled around
to find that one and simple place
to call home and know it will all end
but failure seems to be my only trend
as a parent
as a friend
as a husband
as a employee
times like this i just wanna disappear
into the mist that is floating above my head
instead i lie here screaming in the pillow on my bed
what is wrong with me i continue to ask myself
why does my body hate me so much
where is the cure or the doctor to help me
the push
the shove
the back
the forth
yet here i am more angry again
all i want is a warm embrace
and a kiss on my long face
to be held and know that in fact
it will be better someday
will i ever be able to function fully
on every level
love
home
sex
work
parent
was there a spell put on me from the devil himself
for me to just sit and rot like some book on a shelf
someone please come open up this book
and you will see deep within if you only look
that i am dying
that i am screaming
that i am good
and take me away from it all
even for a second

Lost Cause

Lost Cause
by Douglas

A smiling sunshine came my way
to wipe away the darkness felt so long
I became determined to find my soul
and find myself was the ultimate goal

I just wanted to start again and move on
but the physical pain and discomfort
has continued to ruined my chances
just as a newfound soul gave me glances

I been home a year now and still alone
I go online to have interaction with others
At the end of the day all I want is to be held
as I cry away this pain and the loneliness away

As I meet new people I put on a pretty smile
but inside the struggles are going on awhile
You dont much about my life and my past
But here I sit here and another year has passed

No progress in my present situation
I did make a huge breakthrough
With one of the people who ruined me
Forgiving him instead of being vengeful

Another test, another doctor's appointment
No answers yet I can't keep a job or provide
I just want to stand on my own two feet, literally
and have what I thought was rightfully mine

Instead, I am confined to this body that aches
The pain is a reminder that I am trapped with no key
How did I get to this place and this space I invade
When one thing is fixed another gets broken

I am thankful for my child, he's my saviour
Even in these preteen years, he's testing me
but in return I want to reward him for his surviving
He's been through so much in such a short time

I sit here typing this not really knowing what i am saying
I've lost my faith once again and tired of the praying
I have fallen once again, do I have the strength again
I have lifted myself up so many times but I am tired

I want to be held.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the one.
I want to be a fighter.
I dont want to be a victim.
I dont want to be a survivor.
I dont want to disappoint
Myself.
My son.

Again.
And Again.
And Again.

Cause it's a lost cause...

Reach

As I sit here going through my day
Time and time again I begin to pray
For the time when we are together
Holding you in my arms forever
I reach out for you and you are not here
but knowing that inside you are there
In moments of loneliness I think of this week
Then remember to be stronger than I am weak
You are there setting up our future in Maine
As I'm trying to figure out how to fix this pain
The day will come when I will drive up to our home
Until then we just have chat and the use of a phone
I wonder what you are doing throughout the day
Thinking about when you call and what I will say
I pray for you to find work and get settled in
As I work to figure out how to get out of where I am
Thank you for accepting me for who I am inside and out
When I look at your face I no longer have reason to pout
Your embrace around me with the energy we felt was great
There will be more of that cause that is one of our traits
Your lips are greatly missed each night before we closed our eyes
It took our own battles to get us together to just sit and realize
That we are meant to be and no one can will break our souls
So let's just keep working towards are everlasting goals

d.

A Time of Firsts

a first face to face
a first smile
a first hug
a first kiss
a first shower
a first walk hand in hand
a first night slept together
a first embrace
a first real connection
a first intimate encounter
a first face to face conversation
a first movie
a first boyfriend
a first family time
a first future exploring
a first kiss in public
a first feeling of contentment
a first laughter together
a first surprise of emotions
a first feeling of depth
a first movie in bed with embrace
a first exploration of internal beauty
a first feeling of togetherness
a first time where there will be more
this is just the first times of these
the future is ahead
our future
our lives
our family
forever

isolation

withdrawn and isolated
lost feelings and violated
never seeing the light
barely sleeping at night
racing thoughts run about
living again i feel a doubt
caring less for the world around
not even energy for the rebound
emptiness has taken over
fulfillment is nothing but a cover
dont want to even go on at times
this is payment for my past crimes
layers of my soul have been stripped away
no longer do i even feel a label of being gay
a wandering soul has been taken control
by the devil which i have become so cold
feelings of hoplessness
thoughts of helplessness
seems it will never end for me
climbing up this endless tree
only to find more hurdles ahead
but the waters so much to tread
dare i even say what my mind shares
thoughts scare me but who really cares
which path does my heart want go
looks like i just will keep with the flow

d.

Virtual Invisibility

time
distance
between us
you are so close
yet you are so far
how can i feel
the way i feel
when the hopes are gone
cause reality takes over
a broken heart
yet we never met
fingertip relationships
only bruise the heart more
why give in to that emotion
when we don't know the result
why take a risk only to lose
your heart is so simple
something i want in my life
more hurdles
more than i can handle
hoops and more hoops
tired of jumping
why break another heart
when i can't even feel yours
i've made this mistake before
in this online world of "love"
frustration takes over
instantaneously unavailable
you are there
i am here
we are nowhere
you are a dream
i am a nightmare
i am poison
dont touch me
you'll die
of a broken heart
goodbye

Tangled Webs

life's promises
life's disappointments
a love that was so close
yet he fell through the cracks
an opportunity a fingertip away
never even given a chance
so many positives to dream of
but the negative energy swallows them
times like that i miss escaping to the beach
now all i can do is run to my bed
so tired of challenges that i can't achieve
but still not giving up on the goals at hand
feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
devour my soul on a daily basis around here
just as I begin to feel better in one realm
another towers down like a demolition
when will i be given the chance to rebuild
the soul that has been tainted and damaged
my spirit is still there but it's cold inside
God, where are these tools I need
to get where I need to be at this point
I dont want to lose at this game of life
Yet winning seems so far out of reach
I feel so alone in this complete chaos
Loneliness takes over my body and heart
Prince charming is no where in sight
to hold me through these rough tides
give it some more time they say
so i guess that's all i can do
for now

Dear God...

Dear God:

I know I never thank you enough for the things I should be grateful for but I hope you realize in my challenged mind that I do thank you for all the great things that have been presented to me over the years. I know I always come to you or summon your energy when I am in trouble and not enough when I am stable. I

I am thankful for my life that began with you. I wasn’t even supposed to be born in the first place due to my mother’s medical and physically health. First and foremost, in itself, that is a miracle in many aspects and I want to thank you for that and believe I am here in this life shell to do something good. I am thankful, no matter how bad my mother’s health remains, that she is here to be with my son and I and thank you for not taking her the times you could have.

I am thankful for the good health that has been granted to me over the years. I was never really sick in my whole life and only recently has my unknown pain caused me more trouble than ever. I don’t have a lot of experience with having a lot of poor health other than my long term mental health challenges. I am grateful that I have never been ill or experienced any major trauma.

I am thankful for those in my life who have come and gone leaving a bookmark in my pages of history. For each person I have had contact with over the years, I would hope that I brought goodness yet also have taken advantage of some as well. Over the years, I have met some wonderful people who ended up teaching me more about my self and learning about the gift of love. The darkness I showed to some also taught them a lesson about me. I have hurt a lot of people, some intentionally, and others not. I am not perfect, nor have you made anyone perfect. I have been forced to accept others and have helped others accept me in return. I hope those who I have wronged have forgiven me and in return I want to forgive those who have brought about pain to my life whether be emotionally or physically. I know that those in my life now know I love them and for those who have left my circle, I think about them frequently and hope them well.

I am thankful for the paths, however good or bad, that led me to the creation of my child. I have not been a very present father for the first half of his life and that was because I honestly felt I needed to get out and experience more than I ever would have had I stayed here. I am thankful that my son was born healthy and has remained healthy to this date. I am thankful that I am now able to be part of his life at this time to help guide him in the coming years before adulthood. I am currently trying to figure out my place as a father. I am scared. I am upset. I am frustrated. I am hurt. I am trying to pave a path now to alter some past years of habits that has become more difficult everyday. I am learning more about myself with this test of parenthood. I am questioning my own way of parenting as I can’t seem to get my rules and structures set in place in a one way world. I am challenged daily with the realism that I am doing my best but yet succeeding. I look at him daily and am so proud that he is my son. On the other breath, I am torn about what is right and wrong anymore. Am I ever going to get my fatherhood presented to him where he understands and he will listen? I feel so empty and alone in this challenge that I am forced with now. I am alone in this quest to want to make it a better situation for him and his future. Tough love is not working God. Grounding him is not working. Rules and structure is not working. Screaming and yelling is not working. Crying is not working. Patience is not working. I feel I am running out of options in a one parent vs. another household. I am at a crossroads where I am tested my boundaries and don’t know where to go anymore. Please God, help guide me in this journey so that I can show the goodness we both know lies within me. You are the only one that knows what I am trying to do. I am asking that you send the energy down here so that it will be less frustrating with what I am dealing with as far as parenting goes. I don’t want to fail him. I don’t want to fail myself. I am asking for you to show me the way in this path. Only you truly know how much I love him and really want the best for him.

I want to thank you for allowing me to get this far in my life. I have caused a lot of the downfall in my life, probably all. I am in a current situation that I never imagined I’d ever be in. I know there are worse ways to live a life. I don’t want a “pity” conversation with you God, but I am asking to know why the things that goes on in my mind? I am scared living within my own skin. I have been tested to the boundaries of what I can take. Yet, I am feeling as if I can not function in my own brain and feel as I am losing my mind. I try to be strong and as of late, I realized I am a lot stronger than I thought. I have gone from one lifestyle just a few short months ago to this present lifestyle and I don’t know how I am going to get out of it. I am trying to get my health better, both mentally and physically. I don’t want my mind to see the things it sees nor hear the things it hears. I am concerned where I will be at if I don’t get my current goal to come through. I want out of this living situation that I am in. I am unhappy here more so since I can’t leave when I want. I have become so independent over the last six months, which is the one thing I never truly had. I am very used to being alone now in the capacity of a relationship that if I do find someone again, I will be okay. I spend a lot of time crying because I feel helpless, lost, confused, frustrated and just don’t know how I will move forward with finances, with self, with parenthood and with life overall. I don’t have any answers but I have so many questions. As I sit here with tears in my eyes typing this, please listen to my heart and show me the way. I am not asking for a cure or a million dollars. I am asking that you guide me to the right path so that I may walk down that path and find my way home again. Life is not easy. You never made it so that it was. Life is short. You give us one chance and I don’t want to fail. I know I am here for a reason and need to find what that is. I want to make a difference in this world and be known for making my mark.

I felt I had to write this out because I get lost for words when I start to speak to you. I am only asking for what is mine, and that is my mind to be healed so I am not scared. I feel living within this body is a cage and sometimes the bird want to fly out but I am not ready to go yet. I want to find a solid ground for my feet to be planted and so I can show love to someone once again, to be loved again someday, and when that day comes I will know you heard me tonight as I write this. When I see my son is getting what I am trying to do with him, I will know you listened to me. When I feel a sigh of relief come through me and feel less traffic in my mind, I know you were here when I wrote this tonight. Simple enough to ask for I would think, but I just thought I’d ask you for the guidance and I will do the work.

Amen.

(this was just a prayer to GOD, a way for me to speak to the energy above and within)

**reposted from April 2007

Have You Ever

Have you ever knew someone so well
Have you ever loved someone so much
Have you ever felt that they were the one
Have you ever realized your past is over
Have you ever realized your future is near
Have you ever looked in the mirror
Have you ever fantasized about having him
Have you ever touched yourself thinking of him
Have you ever imagined the time you saw him (again)
Have you ever wished that he was there right now
Have you ever cared so deeply about another soul
Have you ever blushed thinking about the one you love
Have you ever danced in your room wishing he was there
Have you ever held your pillow so tight thinking it was him
Have you ever looked at his picture and felt happy
Have you ever smiled so big that no one could knock you down
Have you ever showered and wished he was in there with you
Have you ever drove by something that reminded you of him
Have you ever sang a song outloud wishing he could hear you
Have you ever fell so hard that you are afraid that it will hurt
Have you ever wondered if you are really the one for him
Have you ever thought if he wonders if he is the one for you
Have you ever just once
Have you?
Because I have.

Haunting You

A whisper you hear yet no one around
A memory you remember but not sure who
A thought you get but dont know why
A feeling that rushes over your body
A drift of breeze brushes you as you walk
A figure you can't see in the distance
A loneliness you feel once again
A realization you made a mistake
A vision of the past but try to forget
A voice you hear but nothing in sight
A song reminds you of a time before
A tear streams down your cheek again
A gift you realize you never gave
A special place you recall being
A familiarization is coming to you
A keystroke away from knowing the truth
that it is I
I am haunting you
I am never far away
Just in your heart
Just in your reach
I am haunting you.
I love you.

Bye Bye Dear, Goodbye

Oh funny how time has changed things
From the good times to lowest of lows
We shared such fond memories to count
Raised voices to sweet whispers in the night
The days of walking hand in hand on beach
To the days where all we did was battle a fight
The stepping stones I felt I had to walk on
to protect the valuable assets I treasured
Left me standing out in the rain with nothing
Nothing to remind me of you any longer as you go
You left me in an emotional whirlwind sandstorm
After the dizziness wore off I didn't know where I was
Filtering out the distance I noticed I am in a new world
A world without you, yet you are as close as a keystroke
Worlds apart, oceans in between us, knowing I wont see you again
I know I wont have you again, because I hate you for what you did
You hurt me in ways you can never reflect upon in your guilty world
The brain stem in your soul is clouded by resentment and broken-heartedness
Does it make you feel good to see me cry this river and stream
It is not the first time or the last time that you have cause me to cry
No more will I have to think about the future with an empty soul
A coward you have become stooping to the lowest points that a person can
You are spiraling out of control now and where will you end up now
Maybe you will see the lowest of lows now since I been here for so long
Forget the rules of this so-called life we live and make your own now
Cause it's the end.
Again.

The Secret

What have I done, once again?
I manipulated and schemed
To alter your future
for my own agenda
a deep vengeful spirit
for a hurt soul you caused.
a leopard never changes it's spots
once deceitful, always deceitful
now you are suffering
at the hands of someone else
i am responsible for it all
had i not got involved
you would have not been encouraged
to drop the matters at heart
and be where you are today
one way or another
i always get my way
the next step is for me to back away
for good.
for ever.
Forget about me
as you have nothing to remember me by.
Forget abou tme
as I am no longer your problem.
Forget about me
as I know we will never be.
Forget
about
me
please.

(poof begone)

Gravity Took Over

today i was hit with something negative
gravity took over trying to pull me down
i had to break through and not let it win
my determination has taken over to outbid this war
the weight was weighing me down long and hard
i jumped up causing a rift in the ripples of the gravity
cause it was pulling me down so far
taking me to places i hadn't been for a while
the light started to shine blinding the gravity
creating a beam of light that pushed the gravity back up
and relieving me from that weight that was taking me back there
to where i use to be for so many years
i wont let it win this time
i am not a victim and i will fight for happiness
and to share the light once again with you

Be With Only You

distance is what keeps up apart now
no matter what i will fight to find you in my arms again
i wanna be with you again
over and over creating new memories together
i dont want to be with anyone else
i want to be with you only
when i see your name pop up online my eyes light up
creating a fast paced heart racing rhythm i can't explain
you touch me even from afar and never know it
no one else can bring the visions, the memories and the feelings like this
let's talk about this again and find out if we can forward
to reconnect our lights together and make this creation a reality
i wanna be with you only, no one else to call my name
i wonder what you are doing right now.
are you really happy wtih him?
does he make you smile?
does he make you laugh?
does he complete you?
or is he just a stepping stone on your own selfish adventure?
just drive yourself back here to your home, where your roots are
you had your years out there, baby it's time to come home
until that happens, i will wait for you.
143

Visual Breakdown

no matter where i go
no matter what i do
no matter who i am with
i see you.
You are everywhere. You are everything. You are everyone.
driving down the street i have flashes of a time when we were together
reminded of so many fun times yet reminded of where we ended up
then taken to a place of self hatred for ruining the one thing i loved, you.
i see someone and when i look at them i see you
i go somewhere and i see us there like when we were there
i look around and i sense you there and wonder why i sent you away
i love you so much and how could i ever have you again, not a chance huh?
i had no idea that being back in this place would take me to this darkness.
but somehow i must fight and reconnect the light.

All I Exist For

silence. i hear nothing.
vision. i see nothing.
heart. i feel nothing.
i am at a point in my path where i have no sense of direction.
i don't know which way my life is going to go.
i feel as if I have been put in a test to pass or fail.
should i pass?
should i fail?
i feel as if i have nothing to live for.
i don't cry anymore, as my tears dried up long ago.
i just feel empty, confined to a constant mistake pattern.
i have no desires to go into a new direction.
i am exhausted from the struggles and self hatred has risen again.
i lost my sense of direction and ended up somewhere but do i belong here?
why have i let the darkness back in to cover up the light that once shined?
all that i am living for right now i have yet to unravel.

Anywhere But Here

faded from white to black
the memories are all around me
everyday i am now reminded of a time
a time when you and I were happier
a time when you and I were new
a time when you and I were alive
i'd like to be anywhere but here
somewhere where you are
to have another chance
to hold you
to see you
to smell you
to feel you
and let you see what you are missing
i know you have moved on
i know you are happy now
but what if i can bring it all back
relieve it all over again in a different light
to see me in a way you've never seen me
i had no idea these new surroundings would hurt
i have stepped in places where we were once before
and immediate flashes of you and those times around me
the light faded in me
but the light is back
and brighter than ever before
why does it still hurt after so long
why must i continue to harbor this pain
the energy i get from these memories
inspires me to continue forward
making everyday a new and brighter day
wondering if one day down the road
you will be in my arms again
i'd be anywhere but here right now
to be with you
once again

What Have I Done?

as i venture through my own path of life
i have tried to do something right and ended up wrong
my child you are a beautiful soul lost without a father
you are getting older now with no real direction
getting into trouble in ways that are not being watched
my heart aches because something tells me to stay far away
yet it reminds me of the lost youth that you are fighting to find yourself
your influences, your friends, your foes, your mother, you are a child still
doing things that will lead you into an area of long term pain
from a distance it aches my heart as i learn of the demise you are entering
what can i do
where should i be
do you know how much i love you and that i want the best for you
i brought you to live with me this spring and you turned against me
wanting your mother when i can give you so much more than her
you lied to me, you hurt me, but i am the father and you are the son
you chose to move back home to your mom leaving me empty inside
you are not the only lost one my child, daddy is still on his path as well
i hope you know i love you so much deep inside and that one day
you will be with me again for good and i will try to fix all the years i broke
my tears of pain will turn to tears of joy when i see you follow your dreams
i send you now as much positive energy as possible to enable you smiles
and release the anger you hold inside you towards me, towards the world
no one wrote the book of life, or of parenthood and with that
i have done what i thought was best for me in order to later give you me
happier, healthier and more successful to give you all you need
but more importantly i give you love from afar or even next door to you
i love you my child
always

Unimaginable

there i was dancing all night
sweat dripping down my cheek
minding my own business
a simple glance
you wrapped your arms around me
binding yourself within the beat
injecting your rhythm in my veins
thinking why are you here
nobody is supposed to be here
leave me alone because it's not time
i bring you to my nest
hatching a part of me unknown
you have awaken something broken
have i been lying to my body all this time
denying it from the purest feelings possible
where do we go from here
you have so much to experience and learn
i enjoy your companionship and attention
yet i want to push you away because i am afraid
afraid you will fall for a work in progress
and not get the full imaginable soul i have inside

and it's just unimaginable

Let The Light Shine In

i've had to fight a lot in my life
always paying the price for my decisions
cursed to never learn my lessons
hurt people in the process
but i must let go of the past
and let the light shine
let the light shine
empty out my baggage of years of pain
forgive myself and those around me
it's time to get back to the core of who i am
work my body out to find it's freedom
work my mind out to find it's clarity
work my soul out to find it's light
let the light shine
shining so bright
to radiate once again
but brighter than ever
let the light in
let the light in
and let the light shine
i am an empty portal
ready to exhale the light
you will see me coming
the confidence will be visible
the smiles will be more true
the happiness will sweat out
as i let the light shine
let the light shine
i see a hint of the light now
it's going to shine

Pushed Me To Be A Better Man

looking back over the last twenty years
i am overwhelmed with all of the realities
that have brought me to where i am today
at so many times i have wanted to give up
i even tried to exit life a couple times
yet i am still standing here at this moment
with each struggle
makes me stronger
with each hurdle
makes me more determined
with each decision
makes my future change
all i ever want to do
is be a good person
and do the right thing
so i continue everyday
facing each obstacle
and not giving up on myself
if i give up
who will help me
if i give in
who will win
no one dictates how my life will go
God has his design for me
how it pans out i don't know
i am determined
i am dedicated
but i have to
push to be a better man

I Hate Myself For Hurting You

you met me right after the divorce
didn't know what was going on
we never met first
we just took a wild chance
you came
you left
you came back again
we failed
we were so comfortable
yet so very unhappy
i felt it was time for you to go
for good

i met you and you were confused
didn't know what you wanted
i forced a love out of you
it wasn't pure
it wasn't real
it was fantasy
we were together for amost four years
i tried leaving you several times
i needed an outlet to be healthy
a cleansening of sorts but didn't ask for help
so i figured it was best you moved on without me
and i did
now i regret it

you came along when i didn't want anyone
but you opened up an opportunity to get my baby
i had no idea that i would endure yet another man
and someone who would do anything for me
but the one thing I wanted was not you, it was him
and i would do whatever it took to get to him
i left you alone, cold and broken
i didn't love you
the way you say you loved me
i only wanted one thing
not you i am sorry

i look back at those three angels
who made me get to where i am from
i will triumpth over the past
and whatever chapter i create for the future
will allow me to feel again
to love for the first time
but one of you i loved more than any other
and must let you go
it feels like yesterday you were in my arms
but yet so long ago that you have moved on
i hate myself for hurting you
all of you
please forgive me

Should You Stay Or Go

you caught me by surprise today
walking up to me with flowers in hand
saying all the right things i love to hear
think you can get down my pants tonight
wait right there
shh
you say you love me
you say you want to be with me
you say all these wonderful things
but do you mean them
or am i just another trick in your treats
i fall weak to your poison
swallowing all your words
one by one
until you get me under your spell
i am now comfortably numb
take me now as i fall
i have to reevaluate if you should stay
or if you should go
because i dont want to be tomorrow's gossip
but rather tomorrow's love
but how can i trust that you aren't pulling me under rug
with your sweet words
loving thoughts
romantic advances
but do you mean it
being burned by so many others
my future is at stake
as i am afraid to let you in
so maybe you should go
and i will stay

For Good

without you
i keep walking
looking to my left
no one there
looking to my right
just a vision
of where you used to be
another's heart you have found
leaving me on this path
looking for you on both sides
no more visions are around me
as you have faded away
a year has passed
you have truly moved on
what more can i do
continue to wait?
and hurt as i see pictures
hear your stories
and know that he is yours
something tells me to keep waiting
as i continue down my path
i see a figure ahead of me
it's not you
it's not him
it's not me
it's unfamiliar
do i walk near it
do i run the other way
it's a door
i put my hand on the knob
i turn it
a light shines through
with a warm sensation
with the strength to keep going
leaving you behind for good
leaving my love at the door
leaving my thoughts in my head to sleep
and finding a new route
to follow
to walk down
and see where it takes me
i look back
i see you
you wave goodbye
i now know it's time
to give up on you
for good

I'm Afraid Of You

i see you in the distance
coming upon me so fast
i put up my wall instantly
to protect myself from the pain
from the truth
from the consequences
of a love that could be true
i will never let another man in
i will never let anyone through my wall
i will never let you through
a mistake
a whisper in the dark
a thought that crosses
but because of you
i will take that chance
that risk
to not be infected mentally
of the chance you could be true
my walls are made of steel
no keys are to be found
do you know the secret
that it takes to pass by
i wont tell you
you will have to fight for it
but in reality i am running
running from you
i don't deserve a real love
but wait does it really exist
it's all movies
it's all tv
it's all romance novels
roses
wine
dinner
love notes
it's all a farce
it's all a dream
they make it up for us to believe
and when they don't live up to that
then we are hurt
and continue to search for someone
something
anywhere
somewhere
to fill those shoes
of the love we desire
but i am afraid of you
will you break through
or will i continue to hold you in the distance
but wait, i'm gone

Beautiful Destruction

i don't know what you are after
because no one has ever entered
i put up a wall afraid of not knowing
if you will accept me for me or not

caution
i tell you ahead of time
worried that you will fall
and become another victim
of my beautiful destruction

road bumps all over
blinking lights
every warning
warning you to stop ahead
because sometimes i poison
and taint the ones I love
unknowingly

not sure how to let go of my worries
stomach in knots to just be accepted
be part of something special
rather be left behind
the walls must come down
please break through
if not
you will be in trouble
with all the rubble
of my beautiful destruction

maybe i am wrong
maybe i am right
no one will know
now will they?
yet willing to take the chance
or else i may miss out
free the fear

Pages In History

picking up an old journal of mine
turning each page i am remembering
of the times through out my life
both good and bad and in between

we all live our lives differently
never really knowing what is next
trying to remember yesterday
but i keep on writing everything

each day provides a new challenge
trying to overcome the obstacles
that makes us stronger
with every fiber in my being

looking back over the years
i have shed so many tears
but what does crying really do
did i ever really have a clue

the future is ahead of me now
i no longer want to feel down
a higher high i plan to travel
and the mysteries still unravel

a love in myself i must find
for someone to enter my heart
and have a more clear mind
and empty out my mental cart

when one door closes in our life
we continue on to the next chapter and

look back up on our pages in history

I Feel You

lying here in my bed all alone
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've wait oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?

Time And Distance

like a snowflake drifting to the ground
you came into my world unexpectedly
filling my heart with hope and happiness
even if it's momentarily or even minute
that feeling is something so special
yet obstacles lie ahead us in this mystery
time and distance keeps us apart in the real world
yet we can be so close in so many other ways
you have such a great smile and great chemistry
that provokes my inner soul to rethink my heart
knowing you are there and i am here is just
time and distance
if we can erase the distance, i'd be right there in your arms
holding you tightly and loving you every minute of the day
instead i am held captive in my dungeon so far away from you
close your eyes and i am there for you
and tonight when you sleep
your pillow is me
hold me

Embodied In Pain

Take my hand, let me lead you down this path
to let you see what i am going through if you will
enter my body, enter my mind, enter my heart
i want you to feel what it is that is going on inside
do you feel the pain i feel now that you are there
my mind, so broken, cluttered and confused
hearing and seeing things that am afraid to accept
my body, so brittle, crumbling and poisoning me
every little move i take affects me in every aspect
my heart, so bruised, lost and afraid to love again
knowing that it will take someone special to love me
sometimes i feel like i am locked in a body that is not mine
hurting in every aspect yet knowing it could be worse
but trying to survive in this pain that has lasted so long
my body, my mind and my heart all go hand in hand
so when one fails the other fails too
too weak to push the others to keep going
now that you can feel what i feel
do you understand why i am where i am at
this body and mind is exhausted
if i climb one more mountain
it could be my last

Another Kind of Gay

Okay, stand back and listen to what i have to say
I am so tired of this gay community that we are in
Always being so blunt and going straight to sex
Top or bottom?
How big are you?
Wanna hook up?
Looking?
Whatever happened the basic "Hello!"?
Gay men are way too consumed with their dick
and less with their heart and future of love
Would rather poke another mindless stranger
Than love someone and accept them for them
Age? Sex? Location?
How big are you?
How tall are you? How much do you weigh?
Stats?
Does any of that really matter at the end of the day?
What the fuck does a number got to do with the mind?
No one ever says "How big is your heart and brain?"
Always just so consumed with showing their dick
Pictures of their ass, dick, chest, showing off their body
Their body will fade in time yet the mind will remain sharp.
Lonely nights they will spend when they keep being too picky.
What happened to romance?
Did it ever really exist?
Are what we see in movies just a real life fantasy?
So I am here to tell you that I am not like that
My search to find someone like that is fucking hard
Because with each new person I meet
comes all the above
leaving me to realize that I am probably better off alone
Living a celibate, asexual life alone on my own.
I have so much love to give to the right person
Yet since I am not consumed by my sex drive, or lack of one
Then I am left out in the field waiting for my prince to show
So if he's out there, he's going to accept these things
I don't have a good body at all
compared to what Hollywood shoves down our throat
I don't have a lot of money,
compared to whoever you want me to be compared to
I don't have a normal healthy sex drive that
leads me to cheating, never have and never will.
Love me, accept me and want me for me,
cause I wont change for anyone but myself.

Closed For Repairs

it's been a year now since i walked away
looking back it's been a rough year yet
i am going to continue to keep going on
believing that one day in the future that
you will come to me
search around for me
look within your heart
and you will find me
but for now i am continuing to take time
time for myself
time for goals
time for strength
time for healing, still
it's not time for me as i have nothing to give
i don't want be yet another taker as usual
i am broken, call the life mechanic
it's not time yet
so if you come walking my way right now
you may something you weren't expecting
step up closer and you will see it
read the sign that is hanging from my neck
it says....
"Closed For Repairs"

Your Heart Yearns For More

Here I sit in the dark thinking instead of sleeping,
With you on my mind I can not help wonder how much I am to blame,
Have I become so absent in my mind,
Have I lost I all my reason,
Your situations is similar and yet so different,
Our views can be so contrasted and yet so mirrored one could not ask for more,
You are a member of this world in which I live but yet your stranger to it and you asked me to be your guide,
How is to two lost souls can find one other in such odd circumstance..
Should I keep my mouth shut, advise you no more?
Or shall I show you a path that which I am not even sure where it goes.
Your intelligence tells you what your heart desires.
Your heart yearns for more...

You tell the truth and now your in pain,
I feel responsible,
I feel as if I should be there to rescue you,
But I can not and I feel powerless
The space, the distance is too great for a simple trip,
Asking you to leave everything you've ever known is something I can not do.
You worry about what others will think of you,
I remind you that only you live for you, They have no real clue who you really are,
Should I have told you to live out your days in your lie?
Advising to live within the status quoi?
Should I have told you that you would learn what I could not?
Something that a decade and offspring could only complicate?
Should I have filled your heart with hopes that will more than likely not ever be?
What should I have done?
What can I do?
Your smarts tell you what I say is right,
Your heart yearns for more....

Powerless, to assist in any other way than emotional support,
Yet you consume my thoughts, always at the forefront of them,
Since you have trusted me with a view into your life and hearts aspirations and more.
I dare not say what i feel for I hardly know you,
But yet I feel sad for you, sad for what we can not have,
Sad for the happiness lost due to doing what is right and preventing something that happened to me from happening again.
Reminding that we cannot love for a particular reason
How can we love for more than its own reason?
Diluting our selves depriving our souls of what we need, is living a lie, taking our lives and throwing them away does not mean we are doing right,
Shakespeare said it best I feel.
"To thy own self be true"
Your feelings tell you what is right for you,
Your heart yearns for more...

Words are failing me,
Words are fleeting from me,
I know not what to say!
I know not what to be!
Still trying to find what it was I was meant to be, now you are on the path as well as me,
Restored from disillusion,
Am I a savior?
Am I a saint?
Or am I a simple a selfish dark taint?
My desires to help are pure but they are more, seeking something for me as well.
You seek a guiding light to your situation and I am but a star in a canopy of light, so far away yet shining bright enough to bring a glimmer of hope.
I share with you my soul,
I answer you truthfully as I know at the moment and yet I fear to tell you more..
We all change,
Will we all disappoint in the final hour.
Are we are not always whom we seem.
Trusting is the greatest of all gambles and yet I choose to take it with you
Your faith in humanity is your grounding post
Your heart yearns for more...

You want a lover that is there for you and not their own gratification,
You want someone whom you love and not feel like you owe them
While no one is perfect, no one will be the one completely for you, flaws and things that can not be changed, differences like yins and yangs.
But as long as you can accept that you will do fine in this life.
Do not seek to change the ones you love for you love them for who they are anyways.
Keep your heart true
And no one can fault you
Accept no substitutes , no good enough's for now
Demand what you give of your self from others…

I am here to let you know that I will be here when you need me,
Tell me what you need and I will do my best to retrieve,
And if I fail, I will find an alternative that will bring you to be able to rest.
In your heart, and in your soul you ache, you want more from life than what you have, you dream, you yearn for simple things that you are deprived...
Your dreams tell you what you heart desires...
Your heart desires for love unconditional…
Your heart yearns for more …
Your heart yearns for more

For You

the lightening struck tonight
the bolt hit me so unexpectedly
when i came to i look around
only to have this amazing feeling
something i haven't felt if ever
i look over and there you are
a shadow of my future standing there
i have yet to meet you in person
but spiritually we have connected
unlike any feeling i have had before
you take my breath away each day we talk
your eyes pierce me into a trance of love
they say i had to kiss a lot of frogs to find you
but i was the frog so many times before
and yet you found me in this crazy world
time and distance will keep us apart for now
one day we will be in each other's arms
we will find a way to make it happen
your house will be our home
i am falling for you more and more each day
my angel
my source
my love
you.

Just Maybe

i have seen a lot of movies and read a lot of stories
always thinking that this can't happen in real life
but as i turn the page of my own history, you appear
where have you been all my life
did i have to hurt other and be hurt
in order for me to find you now in my life
you popped in my life all of a sudden
i wasn't even wanting anyone in my life
as i have been determined to focus on fixing me
then the clouds disappear and there you are
maybe you're the next best thing to happen to me
or maybe I am the worst thing to happen to you
just maybe
just maybe
just maybe this once - I will get it right this time
i am ready for love this time around
i want to do things right, not wrong
always headed into something like this eyes closed
now my eyes are open and ready for love
i am ready to settle down with that special one
just maybye
just maybe
just maybe, you will be the one for me finally
maybe five will be my lucky number this time around
thank you for clicking on my name and now we click
so here's a toast
for us
for you
for me
just maybe, just maybe

Tell Me I Am Safe

When you hold me in your arms
It takes me to a place like no other
Shower me with your wonderful charms
I dont care if you do it but you can smother
Whisper in my ear
Tell me your secrets
Unload your desires
In your arms tell me I am safe
Security in a man is where I want to be
A sense of direction and hope I wish
Let go of all my fears and just learn to be
Just grab a hold of me and give me a kiss
Hold me in your arms so ever tightly
Knowing you are always there for me
Always be right next to me nightly
With you can let go and be so free
Whisper in my ear
So I can hear so clear
No one will harm me
You will protect me and
Tell me I am safe
Love me
Protect me
Husband me
Marry me
Take me

One Night Seduction

Here we go again
Letting someone in
Thinking they are different
Only to learn that you
Are just another
One night stand seduction
The man who comes and goes
Never wanting more than this
Saying all the right things
Making me more vulnerable
Always feeling incapable
You waltz into my life talking your shit
You are handsome
You are everything I wanted
You are so admirable
You are sexy
I could get used to you
Then the door slams right in my face
Realities strike like a thunder bolt because
I ended up another one night stand seduction
No more than that you really wanted this to be
Just another one of your many dramatic productions
Well I am dropping you out the door to be free
To find whatever it is you are looking for
Because I have decided to lock up my door
Goodbye
Dont waste my time
I am not listening to you anymore
You are a liar
You are so typical
Why do I let anyone in
Friends Only I state
Yet the seduction falls into play
And then look who is stuck here
Being a victim of your lies and seduction

Not Good Enough (For You, For Me)

For so many years I have often wondered
Is anyone out there that will complete me
To open up my emotions and lie them out
On a table so the world can see me
Always feeling that I am
Never good enough
For you, For me
Cant you see
Dont come near me
I am just as guilty
Cause nothings good enough
People come and they go
Always unknown to the outcome
My intentions have been for one thing
And only the end result will remind me
That you and I are not meant to be
No matter how many bridges we cross
To find each other because we are
Never good enough
For you, for me
Cant you see
The signs are all there
Caution
A work in progress cause
Well never be good enough
We can still believe that its possible
But its only going to fail in the end
Because I will never be good enough
Because you will never be good enough
So we will end up both alone and scared
With you I had to open up and share
That this is so very tough
But I dont want to not feel good enough anymore

Miles To Go (Before I Rest)

You want to talk about being exhausted
Try walking in my shoes and you will see
Ever so tired but yet still going each day
Wont give up quite yet until I am long gone
Too many things I want to make right
I am not going down this without a fight
I want to see through and find the light
At the end and have a peaceful night
There are so many miles to go before I rest
Roads still ahead with awaiting my travel
Once this is over I hope to be at my best
Until then I am starting to have things unravel
Many obstacles continue to hold me up
Breaking down these walls all around me
You want me to fail but I refuse to at this time
I want to find a way to make my mark in this life
Leave behind the truths that have yet to tell
Fighting and kicking to get ahead
Listen to me I will get my time because
There are miles to go before I rest
And at that time I will have everything I have wanted

Rejected

Caution
Slam
The door shuts
Another one down
I let you in
You came over
You got what you wanted
Its just another case of being
REJECTED
You said you wanted friends
And nothing more at this time
Then led me on to think more
Playing games with my heart
Teasing me with your kisses
Wasnt good enough was i
In the end I was the one who was
REJECTED
You gave into your own desire
And engulfed me into your fire
Burning me with your caress
Yearning for more
Then you left me
Alone
And feeling
REJECTED
I wont shed a tear over you
I wont waste a moment of pain
You are just another reminder
That in this life that men cant love
Its whats down below that you want
But its your turn now because you are
EJECTED

Some Guys

So I heard about your story
Someone has bruised you
Was it all worth the glory
Hope it was your wake up clue
I dont have all the answers
I do have a lot of questions
Give me the chance
And I will show you that
Some guys arent forever
Some guys are full of lies
Some guys are just clever
Some guys arent worth the tries
But I am not some guys
No one will ever hurt you
I tell myself all the time
Yet that isnt always true
I am still standing in line
I want to take care of you
Hold you in my arms all night
I will never make you black and blue
Wont be seeing me start a fight
Some guys can love you
Some guys can protect you
Some guys can stand by you
Some guys can hold you
This time I am some guys

My Life For Rent

Sitting here in my room all alone
Yearning for someone to call my own
I hope you call me on my phone
Maybe you can even ask for a loan
Because
My life is for rent
I need a break from this loneliness
Maybe someone can do this better
Fix my pieces
Then I will move back in
Hang my sign around neck
For the world to see I am leaving
On another mental vacation trek
When I come back you will be leaving
Because my life if for rent
Let someone else deal with it all
I just need some time to vent
Everytime I get a little further, I fall
Rent out my life
Cut it out like a knife
When the time is right
Invite me back to my life
So I can sleep through the night
And you will see me for me
Till then my life is for rent

What He Has

I want to feel what he feels
I want to see what he sees
I want to love what he loves
I want to hear what he hears
I want to tastes what he tastes
I want to hold what he holds
I want to touch what he touches
I want to kiss what he kisses
I want to smell what he smells
I want to do what he does
I want to live what he lives
I want to caress what he caresses
I want to say what he says
I want to sing what he sings
I want to know what he knows
I want to want what he wants
I want what he has
You

Tell Me You're Coming Back

I may have walked out last year
Blinded by what I thought was right
I was overpowered by internal fear
But I dont want another lonely night
Tell me youre coming back
And I will show you the lost soul
Yet still as a matter of fact
You will fall in love with me my goal
I will never get lost on my track
Please honey
Tell me youre coming back
I didnt give our love a fighting chance
Running away instead of a head on collision
I want you to give me a second glance
Dont want to be part of this eternity division
Tell me youre coming back
And I will make love to you
You will see that I have lacked
My love for you is so very true
You gotta fight for me, dont slack
Please honey
Tell me youre coming back
I know that you have moved on
Another mans arms you are in
Are you feelings for me really gone
I have already paid deeply for this sin
Tell me youre coming back
Tell me youre coming back
My door is open for you
My heart is open for you
Tell me youre coming back
I will lie awake at night for you
Oh baby please
Tell me youre coming back

Invisible Bandages

i can not even put into words, written or spoken
on how you have altered my wounds so deep
faith in you has restored what was only broken
knowing now that it is you that i want to keep
distance is between us, but just for the time being
before you know it we will be in each other's arms
it takes all my strength to not have my heart fleeing
since i am so swept up in your ever loving charms
you sincere smile and sweet words haunt me everyday
waiting for the quick moments you come to share with me
appreciating the seconds until i count down till i can stay
a better man i plan to be with this newfound life you'll see
removing the pain of the broken body i must take on
then move in for the plan to love you forevermore
dont you are dangle the carrot in front of me and it's gone
i want to love you all night and take you to the floor
i am coming home to love you
closing a lot of chapters ahead
this empty space will be filled now
with the energies of you and i
please be patient baby
time will heal all wounds - they say
so we must wait...