Lost Cause

Lost Cause
by Douglas

A smiling sunshine came my way
to wipe away the darkness felt so long
I became determined to find my soul
and find myself was the ultimate goal

I just wanted to start again and move on
but the physical pain and discomfort
has continued to ruined my chances
just as a newfound soul gave me glances

I been home a year now and still alone
I go online to have interaction with others
At the end of the day all I want is to be held
as I cry away this pain and the loneliness away

As I meet new people I put on a pretty smile
but inside the struggles are going on awhile
You dont much about my life and my past
But here I sit here and another year has passed

No progress in my present situation
I did make a huge breakthrough
With one of the people who ruined me
Forgiving him instead of being vengeful

Another test, another doctor's appointment
No answers yet I can't keep a job or provide
I just want to stand on my own two feet, literally
and have what I thought was rightfully mine

Instead, I am confined to this body that aches
The pain is a reminder that I am trapped with no key
How did I get to this place and this space I invade
When one thing is fixed another gets broken

I am thankful for my child, he's my saviour
Even in these preteen years, he's testing me
but in return I want to reward him for his surviving
He's been through so much in such a short time

I sit here typing this not really knowing what i am saying
I've lost my faith once again and tired of the praying
I have fallen once again, do I have the strength again
I have lifted myself up so many times but I am tired

I want to be held.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the one.
I want to be a fighter.
I dont want to be a victim.
I dont want to be a survivor.
I dont want to disappoint
Myself.
My son.

Again.
And Again.
And Again.

Cause it's a lost cause...