One Way Love

This masquerade is getting old don't you think
The curtain has fallen as your show is over
Tickets have sold out as you continue to drift away
The crowd has swallowed you whole as you have wandered

One way love is no way to live in this world
So many people thrive to find someone to love them
We grasp at any and all hopes to be loved in return
Yet you think you have it all but you are not even here

The award goes to you as the best actor in this relationship
Seeing you with another guy just opens my eyes to the true reality
I was being taken for granted and I was the fool to believe you
Your bags are packed, how was I to know the story would end like this

One way love is no way to live in this world
Humans have desires and my desires were not in the same league as yours
You had many chances to come to me and be honest as I would have to you
Yet you chose to find a new chapter without even writing out this one

Saying goodbye will be easy now that I see how fast you change
No hope for those who do not want to try and make it in a world so hard
You will see that I can go on without you, no need for tears, am stronger
I don't need a man by my side to make it in this world, am tougher than that

One way love is no way to live in this world
My faith in love has not been destroyed, but my faith in you is gone
I will find my way to a new home, somehow I will be loved in return
All by myself is all I need at this time, so go, time for you to go

Nobody can take my spirit, my soul, my inner love from me
I am my own, I am a survivor and will keep on fighting
because one way love is no way to live in this world.

d.

Knee Deep In Trouble

Help me as I have fallen down
Mistakes I continue to make
Where’s the smile, always a frown
Just don’t want to make another mistake

I feel like I am in knee deep in trouble
Always swimming towards the sea
Can’t get air from my ever popping bubble
I am always so exhausted can't breathe

SOS can you please help me out now
I am crying for your help but do you hear me
Don’t want this to be my last and final bow
I am better than this and just want to be free

But
I am always in knee deep in trouble
Always torturing myself with all this shit
Shovel my way out of all this rubble
To see the light again would prevent a fit
Until then I am in knee deep in trouble

No wonder you wont come around
You know that I burn all my bridges
Lost and hoping you know I can be found
Always falling over board on the ridges

(circa 2005)

Ever

Ever been struck
In the head
In the heart
In the moment
In the gut

Ever been on top of the world
Then bottom of the barrel
Swerve to the right
To the left
Up
Back down
The rollercoaster continues

Ever had a
Bad day
Bad week
Bad month
Bad life

Ever think you had it all
Then lose it all in a moment
Love
Romance
Job
Family
Security
Insurance

Ever do something wrong
In the past, in the present
Then things are taken from you
When you really want them the most

Ever sense that
The light is coming
The road is shorter
The smile at the end
turns to darkness

Why must we be punished?
Why must we be labeled?
Why must we be in pain?
Why must we be alone?
Why must we be fighting?

One day
Someday
Soon
The light will be seen
Just wait and see
Mark my words.

d.

The Best Thing About Me Is You

A lot of people take life for granted
I have been known to do it myself
Life just passes us by each day
Never knowing where tomorrow takes you

Some of us are blessed
Some of us get lucky
Some of us are happy
Some of us are chosen

You came into my life so unexpected
You were dreamed of for so many years
I never thought in a million years you’d come
You are here now and no turning back

I have been given a chance to redeem myself
In your eyes and inside your heart
You have been the reason I have fought so hard
And you have now arrived in my life again
As you enter your own teenage years

No one wrote the book on parenthood for us
Especially when you don’t have a role model
I try to create ways in order to bring peace
And educate you to have a wide path ahead

I've loved you from miles away and up close
One day I hope to see you understand
Why I made the decisions I did whether good or bad
Life's about learning, regrouping and moving forward

No one is perfect, I am a prime example
Yet I am trying to filter through the choices
To find the answer to land us on even ground
You are the motivation that drives me to be

In the years that have passed and to follow
You will look back and see I was trying
If you ever are in my shoes down the road
Remember that it’s not easy and know

The best thing about me is you!

d.

Chasing Dreams

Keep in my mind all my life
I have been searching
For something so pure
So real
So perfect

Boy have I been around the block
In every way possible
I have had every job
I have tried to love every man
I have lived all over

What is it that I am looking for?
What is it that I yearn to hold?
Time has passed me by so long
Why am I not happy yet?

I’ve been chasing dreams
Exhausted from the many travels
I am full of silent screams
Sore from the yelling at the world
But I will not stop chasing dreams

Now I have grown this year
More than any time in my life
I see things so differently now
Focusing on others than me

Bridges broken
Bridges burned
Where do I find the tools to rebuild?
Where is the strength to love again?

Should I trust you?
Should I trust myself?
Will I let go of the inner demons
Will I let someone in again?

No matter what I will be chasing dreams
Running, walking, driving
I will find what my dream really is
Turning, twisting, tumbling
I will continue to succeed in chasing dreams

Beautiful Soul

Beautiful smile
Beautiful energy
Beautiful self
Beautiful soul

My eyes lit up today when you walked towards me
My heart raced as we walked closer to each other
My palms dripping with fear and anxiety
My arms reached out to you

The grip of your hug tranquilized me
The firmness of your hold took me back
The smell of your skin took me there again
The feel of your lips on my neck as we hugged

Tears welled up in my eyes
Sweat dripping down my body
Fear overcame my entire soul
Knowing I had let you go

My life was a mess
My purpose was lost
Yet I found my way
I am too late

You found another man
You have a better plan
I will never again be with you
I know now that we are over

I will never get over you
As you have gotten over me
I had to take this path to grow
But you didn’t wait for me

I put you on a pedestal
I always looked up to you
For you I owe my change
For you I want us again

I will always be here for you
I will wait forever if I have to
I know I belong to you
You complete me, beautiful soul

(circa 2006)

The Village of the Surrending

Falling down the endless tunnel
Slapping against the realities of life
Painful injections of a daily life gone wrong
Hitting my head against the wall of doom
Bruised hearts rain on my eternal soul

I am surrendering my self to you
I am surrendering my heart to you
I am surrendering my prayers to you
I am surrendering my freedoms to you
I have surrendered

Incomplete pathways are in my future visions
Getting lost within the realms of the ride
Out of my mind until I find my permanent reason
All by myself in this journey of the unknown
Turning each page brings closure to one chapter

In this village that encompasses my breath
I can’t find my way out of this village
The sign points me in every direction
Losing my sense of direction
My sense of who I am
My sight to be free

I am surrendering my self to you
I am surrendering my heart to you
I am surrendering my prayers to you
I am surrendering my freedoms to you
I have surrendered

Knowing you will guide me
You have complete control now
Direct me into the light
The vessel awaits me
I am Lost no more

Unknown Territory

You found me
Right when I was lost
We have never met
Yet I feel I have known you
Forever

You fill my spirit up
Leaving me wanting more
Yearning for a closer bond
Yet I am the unknown

I am an unknown territory
Dare you to come explore
Take a chance
Even a second glance
I am an unknown territory

What will you be expecting
What will you think of me then?
You’re going to turn out to be like them
Typical men will lose out in the end

You want a perfect body?
You want the hottest guy?
You want fast cars?
You want it all?

With me you will receive more than that
A package of love
A passion for living
Sincerity, caring, passionate, seductive
family, security, love, sensuality,
randomness, sense of humor, laughter

Will you walk away from me?
Will you not give it a true chance?
Will I not be good enough?
Will I not get a chance to show you?

You warm me up
You keep me going
You help me smile
You bring laughter to my day
Yet I am unknown territory

d.

(yep, that pic is me!)

When I Cry?

When I cry do you feel it
Tears run down my cheek
Onto my pillow late at night
Vision suddenly blurred

When I cry do you know it
The thoughts the lead to tears
Runs like a movie in my head
There is no switch I can find yet

When I cry do you care
To know that I am dying inside
Yearning to be with you once again
Knowing that it’s a dead end road

When I cry can you hear me
The breath I hold to not let it out
Bound by the truths of the failures
Hanging by a thread to stay sane

When I cry can you hold me
Even though you are no longer here
I still envision you holding me tightly
Reminding me that I am safe now with you

When I cry can you understand
That it hurts to know that I am better now
But so lonely inside without you near
Loving you from afar lets the river run free

When I cry do you know it’s for you
Because I long for what we had before to return
That is irreparable, the bond is gone
You have a new life with no tissues for me

When I cry
I wipe them away
As you have wiped me away
When I cry

(circa 2006)

How Do I?

How do I move on from a love I once had
How do I leave the refreshed feelings at the door?
How do I forget all the memories that we made
How do I go forward knowing I was wrong
How do I find peace with myself now?
How do I look at you in the face with pain?
How do I deal with you and a new man?
How do I recover the past and create a future
How do I talk to you and not want to kiss you
How do I express my sincere, heartfelt apologies?
How do I put one foot ahead of the other now
How do I love you now more than ever before?
How do I let myself into someone else’s heart?
How do I trust someone again completely like you?
How do I just be friends with you when my heart aches?
How do I know how long to wait until I hear you say no?
How do I appreciate what I have with you now?
How do I sit in bed and not cry for you every night
How do I just erase you from my heart and mind?
How do I hide my emotions inside when I want you so bad?
How do I keep my eyes from not tearing up when I see you?
How do I forgive myself for walking away without help?
How do I fight this overwhelming love that has surfaced?
How do I promise you that loving me now is different?
How do I tell you now that this is our last goodbye?
How do I send this to you now and not melt inside
How do I thank you for everything you have done?

How do I?

(circa 2005)

Undercover Lover

Seasons come and seasons go
Just as you have for so long
In with the wind and back out
Just another piece of your puzzle

You hide me from the world
No one knows I exist at all
I am just there for you whenever
A door mat I will no longer me

I don’t’ want to be your undercover lover
Someone who is by your side when you say ok
This is the not the position I want to be in
Spread my arms not my legs and I’ll fly away
Never do I want to be your undercover lover

You said I can never leave you
That I am yours for the taking
It’s you that doesn’t have a clue
It’s me that has done all the faking

Dictate, lie, abuse, push, and pull
Orders, slap, hit, no more fool

But to you I was just your undercover lover
Yes, I am running away from this evil role
You can’t stop me no longer will you hover
A new path is where I am heading is my goal
You can find a new undercover lover

(circa 2005)

Throw Away Your Past

Sometimes you need to do some self cleaning
Open up the window to your soul and beyond
Sift through the memories clouding your future
To release all the anger, guilt, pain and troubles

You are the one who is writing your future
But you got to throw out the past
Throw it out now before it consumes you
Unload the weights that have you drowning

I know for example how this can hurt you
I have held on to way too many memories
Even created memories to run from truths
Losing my internal strength from the consumption

Pealing back all the layers you will see
But until then you got to do this
Clean out the trash that has your in chains
And throw away your past

Unlock your emotions
Unlock your fears
Unlock your doubts
Unlock your guilt

Throw away your past
Nothing you can do about it now
Focus your energies on today
Who knows if there is a tomorrow
Because you can’t change yesterday
So throw away your past

d.

The Reason

An innocent child
A childhood still exploring
Expectations are rising
Changes are all around
Memories still to be made
Lessons still to be taught

I dont want to mess up
At this one chance I have
God gave me the strength
To give you all that I have

You are the reason that I love
You are the reason that I care
You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I work
You are the reason that I live
The reason is you

I dont have the answers
I ask a lot of questions
I ask for the power from him
I feed off your energy
I will not always be the good guy
Yet you have to learn from me

Id give you everything I have
But you must learn to earn
Its not been easy these years
Youve seen a lot through those eyes
You are loved by oh so many
I wont give up even after a million tries

You are the reason that I try
You are the reason that I cry
You are the reason that I fight
You are the reason that I go
You are the reason that I do
The reason is you

(this was written for Chase, my son, in 2005, picture from March 2006)

Tears and Pain

I sit alone at night
Lying in my bed
Looking out my window
Yearning for something
Even for someone

My pillow is my best friend
It sees me at my worst
It feels the wetness of my tears
It feels the force of the pain

Tears and pain
Cheers and rain
Fears and sane
I am hurting now

I toss and turn
Waking up a lot
Seeing no one around
Again just alone

My heart has been yanked out
Bleeding to death into loneliness
Falling further away from reality
Realizing I am not going anywhere

Tears and pain
that is what I feel now
I cant stop crying
I cant stop dying
I cant stop lying
With these tears and pain

I pull back the curtains
I know it is not certain
But I know there is a ray of light
Awaiting me out there

(circa 10/05)

Reality Strikes

You come along talking all your talk
Saying how you own a home
Fast cars, beautiful things
Thinking that will impress me
But youre sadly wrong

Put yourself in my shoes for a change
I dont own my own home
I dont have a fast car
Or have beautiful things
But I am happier than that

See when the reality strikes
You will be the one who loses
Because money cant buy happiness
It wont buy my love
It wont buy what I have to offer
It wont buy my family
When reality strikes

You take me out
You dine me
You wine me
You charm me
You take me to the parking lot
You kiss me goodnight with passion
Then before I know it its been three weeks
No word from you

Looks like reality strikes
Didnt it?
You cant compete with someone less than you
Convenient how you say you are too busy all of a sudden
You think I will believe those lies
You are just another typical man
Thank you for the reminder
Now my reality strikes

(circa 11/05)

Be Free

Reflections bouncing off the walls
Back and forth, left and right
I cant see my own self image
Blinded by the light with no sight

Falling down the pebbled path
I get back up again and try forth
Trying to recapture my soul once lost
I will find my invaluable self worth

Standing on my own two feet someday
Is something I am working towards now
Dont know what tomorrow will bring me
Just trying to get through the day here

I have pushed myself down to the grown
Stepping on my own backbone until none
No positive attributes have I found within
But know they do exist but being held down

Bursting to get out of this emotional cage
The key is within an arms length from me
I look around and see nothing yet its there
To unlock this barrier is what I must do

I want to be free of the pain
I want to be free of the self torture
I want to be free of the self hatred
I want to be free of the lack of desire
I want to be free of the loneliness still
I want to be free of it all
Let me be free

(circa 2006)

Why Did You Love Me?

In my quest to answer some questions
I look into your eyes and ponder this
I see a face that seems so innocent
No clue who you really are inside
You came to me in the worst time in my life
You touched my heart
You surrendered yourself to me
You made me feel something never before
The mass confusion of the goals overcame me
I took advantage of a soul unknowingly
Something tells me to ask why did you love me
Within a month we started a cross country quest
Continuing to ride the rollercoaster
We never saw things on the same page
Yet you continued to ride along with me
So I continue to ask why did you love me
I was not happy yet I tried to make it magical
You gave up a fortune to get me my own
I can never give you back all that I owe you
Time, money, pain
but do know this I look up to you and thank you
I don't know what the real purpose of this was
but look at us now, we are moving on to a new path
What did you see in me?  Let me know so I can find self value.
but in the mean time I continue to ask why did you love me
because I did love you

(circa 2006)

Frozen Stiff

I have so much anger inside
My body has been violated
The mind and heart collide
My eyes have been dilated

You try to touch me, I pause
I clench to the thought of it
Afraid that you will hurt me
You and I just aint going to fit

You see I am not like others
I am afraid of something deeper
Its like my body is paralyzed from touch
Afraid I am frozen

My mind
My body
My soul
All are frozen stiff
Afraid of you
Afraid of me
When will the leave me
Where will I be when you come

No one else can hurt me again
If I dont let them touch me
Am I making up excuses to avoid it all
The one thing I am supposed to enjoy
I run from the moment someone is near

Damn you for raping my mind
Damn you for raping my soul
Damn you for raping my body
You took away my innocents back then
It continues to haunt me fifteen years later
Until I can thaw out, I am still frozen stiff

(circa 2006)

I Got UR Secret

You think you are safe now
You told the wrong person
You are going to be saying wow
I will be hearing you cursin

Cause I got your secret
And I am a bomb to explode
I am going to tell everyone
This will fuck up your life for good
Just as you have fucked mine up
No secret will be safe with me
Watch your step cause you will get burned

Look at you walking your walk
You think your shit dont stink
All you can do is talk the talk
Step off cause you are about to sink

Cause I got your secret
Tick tick tick toc BOOM
There you go your lies will make headlines
You are about to lose everything
You fucked the wrong person this time around
I wont stand back to take your shit
Payback is hell when you fuck with this bitch
Cause I got your secret

Look behind you every step of the way
Because when you take the next step its over
I have slipped out of the shadows as you go away
Forever I hope as you have ruined all of your chances
And never again will you even get a second chance
With me
Cause I got your secret

(circa 2006)

Quotes

“You have to see it for yourself and once you believe it, practice it, then life becomes the reality of your most loving desires and things don't happen to you, they happen for you and because of you"

"You are a unique divine emanation, a child of God first and foremost. Then you are a human being, then you are a male, then you are I AM. Nothing beyond that matters because all the words in the world can't define you. You define the word of the world!"

"The future is now, in the form of the present you, reflective of the past, but reminiscent of the now."

"I no longer live in the land of what if, but in the universe of what is. It begins with an idea, progressed to an intention, transcended as your awareness, manifested as your experience, and practiced as truth." This one I am most proud of because it came through me when I needed it most and defines the very principle of life, it is done unto you as you believe.

"Live for the day, not by the minute or the hour but by the lifetime that has preceded you, in all of it's wisdom and knowledge. You will evolve and grow and you will know the ultimate unfolding of your own future and destiny. Not to be clouded by your desires and wants but by the simple truth that you wrote your own future and you made choices before you came here into this life. You are simply here for God. See it, recognize it, accept it and embrace it"

"If you can see a quality in other people, it's merely a reflection on some level of what you already see in yourself, maybe unaware on a conscious level"

(these were quotes I had collected over years and wanted to share with others to pass them on)

Slam!

Can you feel it
It's coming
Ready for take off
Get set
Ready
Flow..

Slam
Can you feel it
The door slamming on you
You try to creep in every day
This better be a wake up clue
Cause you wont want to stay
You ready for more

Slam
Do you want more
The chapter you have created
Has been destroyed finally
Not letting this devil in my life
Cut you out using this sharp knife
Get ready cause I am

Slam
Hear that loud noise
I will not let you interfere
And be one of your many toys
Manipulating me every day
Recreating my visions
Have you left yet

Slam
Slam
Wham bam Slam
I locked the door on you
Knock all you want
But you are not part of my plan
You killed yourself this day today
If I see you come near me
This is what you will hear

SLAM!

It

It

buy it, use it, break it,
fix it, trash it, change it,
mail it, upgrade it, charge it,
porn it, zoom it, press it,
snap it, work it, quick it
erase it, write it, cut it,
paste it, save it, load it,
check it, quick it, rewrite it,
plug it, play it, burn it,
rip it, drag it, drop it,
zip it, unzip it, lock it,
fill it, curl it, find it,
view it, coat it, jam it,
unlock it, surf it, scroll it,
pose it, click it, cross it,
crack it, twitch it, update it,
name it, rate it, tune it,
print it, scan it, send it,
fax it, rename it, touch it,
bring it, pay it, watch it,
turn it, leave it, start it,
format it.
oh fuck it.

Identity

people who know me
or who think they know me
really dont
because only recently i have started to know myself better
meaning they haven't seen who i am becoming
or who i always have been but overshadowed by society
lost in my own pursuit of happyness
my identity is one that only i can know
others only have perception of my past
the last three years have been a doug-ology class for me
learning now more about me than ever
i do know now that i am not a label
not gay, not straight, not this, not that
i am me. i am douglas
i am not perfect and i definately know this by years of mistakes
living within this body which is slowly breaking down
has been a wild ride of highs and lowest of lows
being single and becoming independent the last few years
which has molded me to have more time to myself to just see
exactly who lies within this body
the soul that inhabitats the shell we call our person
i dont really forsee myself with anyone in the future
honestly
i am a unique person and it will take a special person
to love me
to accept me
to complete me
i am currently not looking for someone who wants to be sexual
rather just romantic and sensual
where are they, do they exist, i dont know
for the first time i am confused
because at a young age i was told i was gay
and followed that lead later escaping to marriage thinking it was my real "out"
only to be dragged back into what i thought was what i wanted
but now i see and know what i want
i want a human
flaws and all
i want a friend
good and bad times
i want a companion
to enjoy the daily life
i want to feel
i want to experience
i want to live
so tired of this almost thirty five years of randomness
i want some old fashioned romance to ground me further
planting me in one place
to be there when i get home
the helpless romantic inside me
knows there is someone out there
but these walls have been up for so long
i need to take them down
brick by brick
day by day
to allow that someone to find me
and put the bitter hatred out the door
so here i am if you are out there
the door is open
just knock
ill be waiting

d.

Somebody's Everything

I've watched a lot of movies
I've watched a lot of tv
I've listened to a lot of music
I've seen a lot of other people
and I know it will happen for me too

I wanna wake up being loved
I wanna fall asleep in someone's arms
I wanna be the one to make you smile
I wanna learn to let someone love me
and I know it will happen for me someday

I've lost my faith
I've lost my beliefs
I've lost my pride
I've lost my path
and I know it will return again someday

I just want to be
I just want to be
somebody's everything
I am going to be
I will be
somebody's everything

I am unsure of who you are
I am unsure of where you are
I am unsure of what your name is
I am unsure of a lot
but I know I will be somebody's everything

He Will Never

He is a man of many arrivals
Yet so full of more departures
He has led you down a deceived road
On more than once or twice before
You say you can feel him but why
Walk away now that you are released
A new spirit has entered your life
Dont discount the energy that transpired

He will never love you half as much as I do
He will never hold you in his arms like I do
He will never make you a priority just an option
He will never care for you till the very end

The path that was paved was not what you intended
He has moved on with his life, now so shall you
The road ahead that lies is still bumpy
Dont get discouraged just keep going full force
You are where you are supposed to be, you made it
Let go of this darkness that is creeping in

He will never want to stand by your side like I do
He will never believe in a future that we desire
He will never inspire you to find a better version of yourself
He will never be the man that I am today for you

d.

Red Velvet Carpet Ride

Take this trip with me my love
Give me this one chance
Let me show you everything
Look its us up, up and above

Go ahead, take a second glance
I can promise you anything
Join me as I show you the world
Flying high above the clouds

Looking down at the land below
Seeing that it is all just there for us
Hold on tight on this red velvet carpet ride
I will take us anywhere you want

Your safe with me traveling afar
I want you to know this is not a front
Look over there, its a shooting star
I am a first class love for you

We have front row seats to life
Imagine if you only had a clue
Cut away your past and be my wife
Join me as I give you all I can

Up and down, weaving in and out
Never knowing what lies ahead
Give up your fears and welcome me
And relax on this red velvet carpet ride

Baby I love you
I'd do anything for you
Hold you all night
Show you the world
What more can I do
Besides this
a red velvet carpet ride

Home Alone

so we had a fight the other night
does that mean that we don't love each other
wont change the fact that you are my love
challenges will arise that will test ourselves
the strength that originally brought us together
will maintain it's hold on the emotions within

you walked out in the middle of the night
i haven't heard from you at all this week
what am i to do when i am reaching out to you
i came to your house early in the morning
you didn't come to the door when i knocked
i looked in your window and i saw you
you were crying into your hands

don't be like this baby
why must you be afraid
we can get through this
dont' just stay home alone

days have passed and still no word from you
i wont give up on the true love i have inside
i am going to break down these walls of yours
showing you that i love you forever, always
people make mistakes, things get all unraveled
and head in the wrong direction

i know you are not coming back now
enough time has passed us by
the flowers
the phone calls
the emails
the candlelight
all ignored
how can i tell you i am sorry
and for you to know i am sincere
please baby
dont be home alone

d.

(this is fictional)

Never Again

I let it slide the first time
i let it be forgiven the second time
i let it be the last time this last time
you think you are all big and bad
coming along and hitting me when you want
think that it doesn't leave eternal scars
the outside scars that i have to cover up
and tell others i fell down
but i am getting up again

never again will you hit me
never again will you push me
never again will you hurt me
never again, never again
love should never hurt like this

you wanted things done your way
"or else" you would say over and over
throwing me against the wall again
threatening me this, threatening me that
made me scared of my own shadow
you knew you had me at hello
yet wanted to hear goodbye for so long
but i finally found my own strength
to leave you for good

never again will you punish me
never again will you harm me
never again will you force me
never again, never again
never again

(ps: this is fiction - from another's view)

By Your Side

since i can't be kissing you right this minute
since you dont know i'm even still missing you
there's no way to show you now, if ever
how much different my internal soul is

he has shed layers over the last nine months
awakened by a new light and energy lost for so long
i had a good chance in you but threw you away without trying
i want to change your mind about who i was then
and show you who i am today, stronger

cause i want you to be by my side
too forgive the negativity and share this light
that lies within me dying to love you once again
i crashed, burned but arose from the ashes
shining brighter than any star you've ever seen
you are so far now, i did things to push you away
i want to let you know how i feel now even afar
i wished i had one more night to spend with you
away from the past

closing that chapter forever, letting you in on my secrets
and to see in your eyes the delightment of the person you never knew
i was too stubborn to let you in and think i could ever change
it wasn't even about change, it was about really opening up the door
letting the light in and screaming out the darkness that weighed so long

one more night by my side
to see inside my eyes
a clearer picture
a brighter blue now shines
i'd know you would be proud to walk with me hand in hand
on the beach, listening to the shores by my side once again
i know you are happy now, at least you seem you are
someday, maybe someday you will realize this all
letting me enter in once again to shine with you
and you will shine as bright as i do now and

i love you always and you will always be by my side
spiritually, maybe one day physically and emotionally
until then.

d.

Who Said?

who said who we can be
who said what we can wear
who said where we can live
who said why does it hurt
who said when we die
who said who we can love
who said what we can do
who said where we can go
who said why there is pain
who said who we choose to love
who said what we want in life
who said where we can work
who said why we are here
who said when our time is up
who said who we really are
who said what life is about
who said where life begins
who said why we have sadness
who said when we it's over
who said who is your almighty
who said what we are supposed to believe
who said where we belong
who said why there are no choices
who said when it's not fair
who said who is responsible
who said what the meaning of life is
who said where our paths will take us
who said why our heart bleeds in pain
who said when we would have the answers
who made these rules?

d.

Stuck

Just then I was reminded of a time
When things were ever so peaceful
No stress, no pressure, no darkness
To a point of no arguments

A certain calmness
A familiar vibe
A sense of carelessness
A time of beginnings

This all happened when...

We got stuck
Stuck in the elevator
Stuck in that moment
Stuck for that second
We were stuck

Your face was priceless
Your touch was present
Your body was warm
Your kiss was sincere

Not that we can turn back time
Not that we can make it ever right
Not that we can try to recover
Not that we can breathe out the bad
Not that we can breathe in the good

But for that moment when...

We got stuck
The thoughts of being alone with you
Trapped in the ever present space
Could have been our last moments ever
Knowing it was with you eased me more

The doors opened
The relief felt
You walked away
Back turned to me
Away to your life

d.

Shared

Stand back and just wait right there
You come walking up in here like you care
Where were you when I needed you the most
I had thought it was over, labeled you a ghost
Visions of you have faded far away
Now you are here acting like a stray

Walking in
Walking out
What is this all about
You told me that you cared
Apparently I was being shared

Who is he, whats his name, dare to tell
Little chicken shit thinkin I am going to yell
I have put up a wall to break the pain
I was at home waiting while you were out pulling a train
Thought you were different, thought you would be cool
Silly oh me, boy wasn't I the big ol' fool

Now go, leave before its too late (already is too late)
I no longer will be carrying this weight
Hope he is the one for you, so please get a clue
I seen him with a trick before, oh yes its true
Boy, you thought you could pull the rug over me
Backfire, pow baby, burn me and you will see

Oh but before you leave, this ain't quite it
Here is your clothes, torn and ripped, no shit
Catch you later, if you are lucky (you're not)
I hope he gives you everything that he's got
Money, time, love and another broken heart
yet hear me now, loud and clear
This where we end and I begin

d.

Questioning the Reality

Faith?
How can one have faith these days?
Terror plots. Terror attacks.
Mother nature destroying lives, homes and the planet.
Murderered families, no answers, no reasons.
People dying every year from no health care.
Disease infesting people everywhere, no cures.
Racial crimes. Hate crimes. Seriously, still?
Bin Laden's army is building, no end in sight.
Killed Sadam, yet the real enemies still exist.
No equality for everyone to love whom they want.
Two wars, so many deaths for what, nothing!
Another attack is inevitable, 9/11 was the beginning.
Economy destroyed, trillions in debt.
Other countries want out of our country.
Nuclear threats. Missles at standby.
Swine flu attacking human bodies, killing some.
The Towers fell, nobody rebuilt, they won.
Good people have horrible things happen upon them.
Yet, bad people get away with murder, fraud, theft.
Families torn apart by unfaithfulness, destroyed.
Teenagers now are so vulnerable to predators, sexting.
Medicare, Medicaid, healthcare debilitated, we'll all be gone.
My mother suffering from one medical horror to another, why?
Drugs, guns, gangs, destroying our youth, who will step in?
Teabaggers protesting for what, will their voice be heard?
Our President inherited a nationwide mess, 9 months wont fix it all.
Hurricane Katrina survivors, still homeless so many years later.
Greed has consumed our country by banks, Wall Street, Washington.
I am one in millions without health care insurance, will anyone help?
Technology has made us more stupid, brainwaves not at their full potential.
Movie stars making $20 million per movie, when there is the hungry, poor.
Media only shows us a small portion of the reality I am questioning.
So again, where can faith really change a world that is falling apart.
What God would let this happen? Why would any God want us to experience this?

Where is your faith?

d.

untitled

what's wrong with me?
when did this all really start?
was i predetermined to be on this path?
is this what it's all about?
why have i come to this roadblock again?
when will i ever have a clear road ahead?
what's the purpose of the monsters in my head?
when all i want is to show the love in my heart?
i am a good person yet the demons take over!
mental, emotional, chemical inbalance, whatever it is
it needs to leave, pack up and leave town for good
but no it has to stay put and haunt me when i sit here all alone
i don't see any hope to a brighter future
i definately don't see a happy ending at this moment?
yes, it's the darkness talking, maybe light will befriend me?
tomorrow, the next day or next week i will write differently
but today, this moment is all i have and the tears tell me the truth
no matter what f*ckin path i take, or decision i make, or goal i make
all tumbles, crumbles and falls to the ground, even when the energy is there
sick of tackling all this on my complete own inside this body
i overcame a lot in recent years and in my life but i want OUT of this
depleted all avenues of help, my fate is hands of tomorrow, or next day
lack of motivation, determination, imagination all runs amock and leaves me
what's the real reason of the repeated falls i keep experiencing
i write to express myself, to get it out, but it's still inside
"you need therapy?" i hear, i go, it helps for a day, inner demons reside
i am so ugly inside that i know i will never be loved and have a partner
i know this that whatever time i have left will be alone
nobody ever will meet the expectations of what i want out of someone
as i am alone in my own community now with no one like me in that sense
this dr. jekyl and mr. hyde performance is exhausting, mentally
the actor doesn't want to work anymore inside and needs to retire
nobody can really say anythin to me to help, this is my reality, not theirs
not a soul could understand this friction inside my heart, mind, soul
no one.

d.

Bullet To My Heart

he can not imagine the hurt he has struck upon my bleeding heart
he does not know that as he plays his games, i am slowly dying
he could not understand as he in not as mature as he thinks he is
he wont budge for even a second to let go of his own emotions
he is missing out on so much that i could continue to give him
he continues to hold the gun only to point it making it all about him
he does not sit and remember the good times we had and just who i am
he just is so inconsiderate, ungrateful and troubled to even care
he holds all the cards now with no intention of every giving in
he has a heart of coal right now with no respect for what i have done
he may be at the critical time of his own change but it affects all
if a change does not come soon, he may as well pull the trigger
because this is like a bullet to my heart
game over kiddo

d.

Words

tonight lying here in my kingdom of doom
not knowing anything that is up in the air
unsure of where my path is heading this time
with my heart shattered by recent events
overcome by sadness, anger, hopelessness
i am in a place right now where i hate
a place where i check in every so often
actually too many times, too close together
don't like this place, why can't i escape
not knowing what is lingering above me
putting all my eggs in one basket
when only what if all the eggs break
and left with nothing, no detour, no fork in road
so alone right now i feel as if i am on autopilot
not looking for self pity, not looking for love
wanting to have a stable week mentally
my faith has been yanked out of me
the hardship i currently am under is taking me down
mentally, physically, financially and emotionally
this really isn't even a poem, this has no intention
this is just words, words that dont mean nothing to anyone
as i am alone in this single man's journey
fighting for my own rights as a human, a father, a person
not going to close the door for good, no no no
tired of the only connections i have want more than i want to give them
just wished i could catch a break, shed some light, know something
i want the phone to ring for an interview
i want the post office to deliver good news about my settlement
i want the knowledge that i will not lose my apartment
i dont want to be back on streets, without a stable roof over my head
hell i can't even afford cat litter, toilet paper or milk right now
can't even buy a stamp to send my son a letter since he wont talk to me
hard to deal with mom's emotional and physical meltdowns when i have my own
tough to be strong when you feel so weak inside and just want to disappear
how does one go on with such an empty void in your heart as i have now
running out of time, running out of this week's energy, tired of running
again, these are just
words

d.

four

four
each year it will grow
to yet a new number
yet is a reminder of you
takes me back to a time
when you and i were happy
when you and i had fun
when you and i laughed
when it was just you and i
four
the years have passed i know
the memories are still in tact
of the greatest ones i can remember
because of you i experienced some amazing things
i still regret letting you go back then
four
you have moved on, had several lovers
you have moved on, you ventured into college
you have moved on, new friends, new experiences
yet i am forgotten in your memories
why didn't i fight to get better
four
so on this day, i want to say thank you
for the memories
for the laughter
for the love
for the fun
for the adventure
because four years ago this week
is when i made a huge mistake
now life continues on.

d.

Looking For Me

Running. Scared.
So dark.
I ran into the darkness of the unknown
searchin for the light that someone said was out there
i ran from the home that i no longer wanted to be a part of
my family was broken - i wanted more than that
i felt i never had a real chance
the traffic in my head was jammed up
i ran to through the woods in my brain
onto the top of the treetops to see the sky above
looking down around where i should be and jumped down
only to find myself in the same path as before
i was in a labryinth of my own madness
the tears
the fears
i kept running grasping onto anything and anyone i could
i was scared of where i was and who i wasn't
the fork in the road always was ahead of me
always choosing the wrong direction
silly me did i even know why i was running
i saw people on the left in the lake swimming
i choked as i saw the cruelness of the world around me
i looked to the right and saw the dreams i have had wanted
the ground beneath my feet was moist
the earth began to swallow me into the darkness more
screaming for someone to help pull me up and out of harms way
an energy ripped me out
i began to run again, faster this time,
why is this path not taking me anywhere
i smelled the fires of the bridges i had burned
i kept running wanting to go back to rebuild those bridges
i traded my family out to find something that i thought i wanted
i felt the walls closing in over and over
nothing can be a substitute for love when the end result is damage
i didn't even think twice when i made all these decisions in my journey
i ended up getting some things i asked for but hinesight i suffered
my body started to break down slowly, the actor couldn't pass the smile off anymore
the mind inside began to melt turning into a hot mess of madness
i've created monsters inside me that are ripping at my flesh to get out
while in crowded rooms i just wanted to be left alone
the spotlight began to fade away and i stopped
i stopped running. i was tired.
i had to ask God what the hell was I doing, where was i going
i was told i was looking for me
now with some rest and mental rehab those layers will shed
leading me to a new path with no more darkness
no more merry go rounds will i want to ride
so if you are looking for you, you will face some demons and the devil itself
because all i have been doing is lookin for me

d.

Beautiful Nightmare

life is a gift.
life is from love.
life is a lesson.
life is life.
life.

we all have our own individual goals, ideals, motivations
we all have our own yearnings, paths, destinations, careers
we all have our own chance to make it how we want it to be
we all have our own share of playing the victim, we're not

we must get stronger. we must work hard. we must tear down walls.
we must get mad. we must cry. we must sweat. we must focus.
we must endure pain. tragedy. loss. heartbreak. tears.
we must figure out who we are, learn, adapt, mature, grow

life. it is a gift from God.
life. we don't know why we are here.
life. the questions lurk with no real answers
life. the choice is yours to where you will shine

it has the capabilities of being all so beautiful
it has the unfortunates of being a horrible nightmare
we are in charge of our own life, we make our own decisions
the vibrations of our journey ends up a beautiful nightmare

d.

Splash Into You

like a rocket bursting into the heavens above
falling back down into the beautiful blue oceans
swimming frantically around casually through the waves
knowing that you are here in the same deep blue sea
i continue to swim hoping to just splash into you

like a kite out over the beach upon the sands and water
the wind causes it to crash down into the pool of liquid
i come up gasping for air to give me the energy
wishing the crashin waves drift me into your direction
i continue to swim hoping to just splash into you

like a balloon a little child lets go up into the air
after some elevation it pops and falls down into the blue
i push harder, faster, inhaling hope and faith as i move
like a mermaid looking for her prince the motivation is there
i continue to swim hoping just to splash into you

like a firework at the boardwalk the lights fill up the sky
desolving into the water and disappearing yet i continue my path
i see the light that didn't fizzle out and i see that it's you
glad i did not give up on you because i knew you were here with me
i continue to swim to you and we finally splash together

d.

dragonflies and hummingbirds

simplicity of the simple forms exist all around us
other animals of the whole spectrum live within our world
they do not have to worry about taxes, wealth, greed,
or even depression, anxiety, any human emotion we have

cows just stand all around eating the grass taking up space
birds just fly around to see all that is beyond our eyesight
fish just swim all day with no worries in the big water world
ants just build an army and go out for a day's work for their family

why can't we as humans have a world where it's simple like that
where we can just live for ourselves and not have the care of drama
i want to just buzz around like dragonflies and hummingbirds
just doing what i want, flying where i want, and dodging the swatters

we all, in every form, have a purpose here on earth and even beyond
why must we suffer, why must there be so much heart ache and pain
where is this path taking us, life is short for some, long for others
when will the light shine down and take away the darkness from here

d.