just let me let me

roadblocks slapping me in the face
every door is locked i try to open
i am doing my best to get through
why are you in my way
why have you come back to stop me
i came pretty far without you
now here you are again
just let me
just let me
through

i want my life better
i want my world better
i want my health better
i want my love better
i want my self better
i want too
just let me

you insert yourself around me
within me
near me
with all your clouded mystery
your darken clouds
your negative lightening
zap
bang
pow
and then you knock me down

everytime i get back up
i am doing great
then you come and greet me at the door
and then i land right back on the floor
i can't sleep on the floor forever damn it
i am waking up and trying to be a better man
a better father
a better son
a better employee
a better boss
a better spirit
my soul has never left
it's within
screaming to be revealed

when will you leave
when will you disappear
and stay gone
leave me to my path
that i have chosen
so i can move forward
and stop keeping me from
making those damn repeated mistakes
those fucked up flaws that surface
that prevent me to fly high

just let me
let me
please

Identity

people who know me
or who think they know me
really dont
because only recently i have started to know myself better
meaning they haven't seen who i am becoming
or who i always have been but overshadowed by society
lost in my own pursuit of happyness
my identity is one that only i can know
others only have perception of my past
the last three years have been a doug-ology class for me
learning now more about me than ever
i do know now that i am not a label
not gay, not straight, not this, not that
i am me
i am douglas
i am not perfect and i definately know this by years of mistakes
living within this body which is slowly breaking down
has been a wild ride of highs and mainly lows
being single and becoming independent the last year
has molded me to have more time to myself to just see
exactly who lies within this body
the soul that inhabitats the shell we call our person
i dont really forsee myself with anyone in the future
honestly
i am a unique person and it will take a special person
to love me
to accept me
to complete me
i am currently not looking for someone who wants to be sexual
rather just romantic and sensual
boy
girl
man
woman
i dont know
for the first time i am confused
because at a young age i was told i was gay
and followed that lead later escaping to marriage thinking it was my real "out"
only to be dragged back into what i thought was what i wanted
but now i see and know what i want
i want a human
flaws and all
i want a friend
good and bad times
i want a companion
to enjoy the daily life
i want to feel
i want to experience
i want to live
so tired of this almost thirty five years of randomness
i want some old fashioned romance to ground me further
planting me in one place
to be there when i get home
the helpless romantic inside me
knows there is someone out there
but these walls have been up for so long
i need to take them down
brick by brick
day by day
to allow that someone to find me
and put the bitter hatred out the door
so here i am if you are out there
the door is open
just knock
ill be waiting

a letter

This is a letter I sent to Chase today, each week I send him an allowance pending his weekly school report, and this week since he missed again he didn't get his $10, but I reached out to him via letter. If he will read it, or if he will absorb it, just if.
d.
------------------------------------------------
Chase,
Oh Chase Jordan. I am sitting here thinking and thinking, "How do I reach out to my son?" and "How can I help my son benefit the most from me as a father?" – and I just come up blank and lost because so many things have happened in your very short but filled, almost, 13 years of life. I am working on a personal project right now, or about to start, and when it's complete and you are older – you will be introduced to this project to help better understand me, who I am, how I think, where I have been and where I hope to go in the future ahead.

I want to tell you first and foremost, and believe me with all your might and you should know this, but I love you more than anything. You are the inspiration that keeps daddy going everyday. You are the reason I go out in this crazy, madhouse of a world and try to find that place to call 'home' and do right for myself so I can do right for you, and your mother. You are the reason I am here today. I have been through a lot myself, and a lot you don't know because you don't need to know at this time, and there are things I've never told anyone – but you are my son, always and forever until they day we both are gone off this Earth.

I moved home a couple years ago to tackle two obstacles. The first being YOU. I wanted to come home and help ease the pressure off your mother and be more of an influence in those years which were 10, 11 and 12 years old. I wanted to help by putting down some ground rules and show you that you are a child, not the adult. I wanted you to be proud of yourself for raising your grades from D/F's to A/B honor roll at Eastside Elementary. You did the work. I was just there to guide you. I know you have been mad at me, said hurtful things, slammed doors, screamed at me and "hated me" – but it's because I am your father that I have to do those things in order for you to learn, and not repeat the same mistakes.

My father and I were never close, not like how you and I are. I want to give you as much of me as I can, be your father and still remain that friendship with you. I want you to trust me and know that I am always here for you, no matter what, and I mean that. You are a very smart child. Yes, you are a lazy student and a small framed kid, but you know only you are in charge of yourself . No one can change you except you. I know that. People tried to change me for years and I even tried to change me, and that's how you came along. I am so grateful for the fact that I am a father. I am so grateful you are healthy. I am so proud of your accomplishments in your life – but remember you must push yourself harder and "BELIEVE" you can DO IT! Because the truth is, Chase, you can do it. I have learned so much about myself just by trial and error, meaning try something and if it doesn't work, try something else. I have made a gazillion mistakes in my life, and am still paying for some of them up till this very day, but what I am trying to say is that you can make a change in yourself to be a better student, a better son and a better Chase overall.

I don't want you to end up struggling like your mother and I. I don't want you to spend your life in that town where it's a dead end for a future. I would love for you to wrap yourself up in your school and attend college, get a degree, be proud of that and go out and do something you love – you may not know what you want to do when you "grow up" yet but it will come. The sky is the limit and only you can make it or break it. You want something in life – only YOU can go out and grab it and make it yours.

But you have to try – you have to say "I want this!" and go for it! You have learned so many things, a lot of bad stuff as well. You know way too much for a child of your age, and that is not your fault, it's our fault as parents for not being more strict on who you were around, what you watched, the video games we let you play and what you witnessed in your life.

I am sorry for moving away and back so many times, but you just don't understand the real underlying situation for why I do what I do. This is not normal. My own father moved my mother and I around so much, so maybe it's in our blood, I don't know. I am trying to find a home of my own, a place to call home, and living up in Indiana is just gloom and doom for me, no matter how hard I try. The workforce is very hard up there, the area is just not a positive place to be and I want something better for myself and honestly for you as well. It hurts so bad since the day I moved out of your mother's home and we got a divorce, leaving you both – up until this day, because I don't have a full time son. I didn't sign up for being a part time father, I have wanted to have a child of my own and I created this issue by getting married so young and having a child and then leaving the family unit. It's my own fault – but I pay for it each day because I look around and see fathers with their children and it just is a knife in my heart and I scream inside saying "I want my OWN child!" – this is just honesty coming from your father to you. I want to be a dad with my child and myself, alone.

Maybe someday I will get my chance at another child to raise completely on my own, but for now, I want you to know how much I love you and want you to be proud of yourself and do for you. I am sending you an "allowance" just for attending a full week of school and doing good at this alternative school. I want you to learn and earn. I want you to trust me and count on me. I want you to come down here and spend your holidays with me. I want you to come down next summer for a month. I have the right as a devoted father to be with you, even if I am far away.

You are my ray of light. I don't want you to just give up at age 13 and not care anymore about life. You have witness your mother and I struggle with our health, with our finances, and if you want something better than that, then you must absolutely work your ass off to build that confidence in you, raise those grades, get back to North Side, move on to high school, then hopefully college and make Chase Lancaster the best guy he can be.

I sent you a cell phone prepaid to use so that your mother or I can reach you when we need too. It needs to be used only if we call, or you need to call and there is no phone to use and for emergencies. I will add money to it when it gets down to 15 minutes. I want to teach your responsibility and taking accountability for your actions. For every action, there is a reaction – whether positive or negative.

This is all adult talk but I am writing to you as a father who loves their son and wishes upon a star that one day God or the Creator will bring you to me so I can get my chance at true happiness of being the father I have always desired to be on a full time basis.

Just listen to your mother. Focus on your goals. Make some goals. Stay out of trouble. You know right from wrong. Remember that mama bagienski is watching you from up above and she is there with you always. Also remember that nana loves you and that you should respect her and give her some of your time since she is your only living, loving grandparent that wants to be near you.

We are not perfect. No one is Chase. We all have made mistakes in our lives. We should learn from them and move on to the next day in our life. You have to learn to forgive those who hurt you, you don't have to forget, but you are a child still for 6 more years and you must listen to us as your parents until then.

I want you to come with my father to bring Noah and Twilight down here. He is coming down and staying all night, going home the next day. This is completely up to you. I am not going to bribe, force, or twist your arm – if you don't want to come, then that's your loss, and I will wait for the next chance to see you.

Be good.

Listen.

Study.

Practice.

Try.

Learn and

Earn!



I love you…



--
check out my sites at http://g0ssipguy.blogspot.com
and
http://theredstr1ng.blogspot.com

childhood losses

I normally write poetry, in my own form, but this is something I just need to write about in this format because I dont know how to express what I am feeling and have been feeling for such a long time. Since moving to Asheville, I have changed, altered, shed a layer, developed, I dont know the correct term, but the energy here and the atmosphere has shined a new light on me, or perhaps an old light that I have hid in darkness. What I am talking about reflects on many things but this particular issue is in regards to children. I sit on a bus day after day, going to and heading home, day in, day out; I see the same kids, parents; I also go out to eat at some local places near my home and I see fathers with their kids, mother's with the daughters, parents with their children; Like last night, I went to eat and in front of me was a nice looking father and he had two beautiful kids; those kids looked up at him like and just adored their father. I felt like an arrow was shot into my own heart wishing I had that relationship and that connection with my own son. Ever since I decided to try to change my sexuality, I wanted to get married, have a family and be the "family" that we all desire to be and have in life. I did that, and my way about having that family created a domino effect of many years of doubt, financial and emotional turmoil, the rollercoaster ride of emotions when I divorced my ex-wife and had to give up that daily fatherhood routine. After that happened, NO ONE and I mean it, no one, even can understand the pain I have had up until this day still. I feel so responsible for bringing Chase into this world and having him go through so much in his young life. His maternal grandmother was a Godsend for his first five years until she sadly passed away in 2001; something happened after she passed and I got this feeling to flee and I headed to Houston from Indiana to grasp on to anything I could; I felt defeated without having a way to have full custody of my son, and even I knew I wasn't stable enough financially to show the courts I could do it and taking a child from their mother is a tough thing, even if you yourself have doubts in their parenting. I tried and tried, I thought I did, to be the best father I could be as I traveled from state to state trying to find "home" and yet I never was successful until now. The last two years I spent in Indiana during my health issues, I became more in tune with myself, I spent a lot of time alone and got to know me better and started to shed those layers, and then I finally came to a point where I was tired of the way my life was and now I have ended up here where I feel different, more secure, more grounded. I am working, I am getting my own place (first time ever living totally alone, taking care of myself) and working on getting my credit fixed, so that I can have a better future. Keep in mind, during the last (almost) 13 years of Chase's life, I did a lot of things for him and because of him; I was even teased for six months while he lived with me and thought FINALLY! and yet things changed and he ended up back with his mother. I have done things for him, that a father should do, I potty trained him, I got him off the pacifier, I taught him to walk at 1 yrs old; however, I was not there during his "learning" years and missed out on a lot; but when I moved back in 2006, I am proud to say that I helped him by guiding him to change behaviors at school for his grades to change from D's and F's to A/B honor roll to graduate elementary. My son is a follower. He does what others do. He had hung around the wrong crowd, getting into a lot of trouble, he knows things that a child of his age shouldn't - even if it is 2008, a child should not be subjected to sexual knowings, drugs, alcohol - not saying he has done it, but has been around it. I dont place total blame on his mother anymore as I chose to leave town so many times, in efforts to try improve my life by bettering my finances so I can provide child support for him; and I even failed at that. So, why am I writing this? Well, after being here and seeing all the "family" love from father and child/ren, I feel I deserve the right to raise a child. I want to give a child out there who needs a loving father/family, just that - me! I want to adopt within a couple years of being stable at same job, and nice savings account. I want the chance to be that father from early age all the way. This DOES NOT say I dont love Chase, I love him so much, but I feel I have failed. He is 13 almost and I have been absent for so many of the years, I feel like I have failed him. He does not look up to me and adore me like I see those children out there. I have tears in my eyes right now because it hurts so bad inside and no one can understand the emotional toll it has taken on me, the lengths I have went to, to attempt to get closer to Chase. He loves he me he says; but it's not the ideal situation and I am the one responsible for that, no one else. So, I will have that chance to have another child to myself and be that father I know I can be and will be; not to replace Chase, but to add to my already existing small family. My intentions were always pure but so impulsive that he has to pay for it by being in the living situation he is in; I wanted better for him; to give him what I didn't have growing up. I messed up and I want another chance at a childhood. I dont know if I made my point but I know what I am trying to say, like I said, no one will ever understand what has happened to me.

isolated

alone in my room
filled with quietness
silence is golden
no one to talk to me
no one to bother me
no one to interrupt me
enjoying the ipod on
zoning out to another world
no need to be around others
enjoying my own company
becoming more independent
no more yearning for him
i am still living
no more just existing
goals are becoming achieved
past is become forgiving
present is becoming stable
future is looking bright
finally
i am all i have right now
all i need
not a club kidd anymore
no more smoke filled bars
tired of the energy wasted
of looking for this, that, etc.
when all the energy can be
refocused on more important things
and send the light out
and those things i long for
will be achievable just by living
doing what's right
sending off good karma
asking forgiveness for those i hurt
asking forgiveness for those i owe
in time, all gaps of dishonesty will be filled
and restoration of my character will be restored
then i will be loved again
for who i truly am
whom no one has ever really known
since i hid behind a facade for most of my life
so get ready
douglas is emerging at this time
step by step

d.

It

buy it, use it, break it,
fix it, trash it, change it,
mail it, upgrade it, charge it,
porn it, zoom it, press it,
snap it, work it, quick it
erase it, write it, cut it,
paste it, save it, load it,
check it, quick it, rewrite it,
plug it, play it, burn it,
rip it, drag it, drop it,
zip it, unzip it, lock it,
fill it, curl it, find it,
view it, coat it, jam it,
unlock it, surf it, scroll it,
pose it, click it, cross it,
crack it, twitch it, update it,
name it, rate it, tune it,
print it, scan it, send it,
fax it, rename it, touch it,
bring it, pay it, watch it,
turn it, leave it, start it,
format it.
oh fuck it.

gaydotcom

gaydotcom
a joke
u wanna chat
u get fucked
u get a pic of a torso
u get a pic of a dick
u get a pic that is 10 yrs old
u get someone yearning to get attention in the room
u get not what you are looking for
a room full of 100 people and no one chats in main room
everyone is "hooking up"
why must men just go online to look for sex
why can't other men just go online to network and find conversation
friendships
a possible date
who gives a shit about the way a person looks
who wants to type to a torso, a cock, or faceless
"top or bottom?"
"what u into?"
"i can host"
"(insert city here)looking" (looking for what?)
"24, 6'2" 195, blonde, blue, 7.5 cut, top..."
'stats' - please guys, they are just numbers
like a locker combination
or numbers to the winning lotto
you cant trust that what you see is what you are going to get
the ones without pics are so self conscious and afraid
come out, come out wherever you are
dont be scared, it's a chat room
if you want sex, then be sure you to put in your profile
profile? (you say)
no one reads them
whether they are to the point wanting to fuck
or someone who spills out their heart to you
you still get the same ol' fucking story as cyndi sings
you could be just that one lucky person
who gets stuck
gets stuck with someone who
just may...
may be approachable, conversationalist, and interesting
ask them out on a date, dont be afraid to say yes
you wont end up on dateline for murder
trust your instincts
so when you see me there
in the room full of that sex addicts
just know i am me, looking for simplicity
amongst the drama that gay men to carry in their wallet
signing out...

xoxo g0ssipguy

emotionless

the tide has turned
a time
or two
went from the highest of the mountains
to the lows of the bottom of the ocean
seems the older i get i am becoming
just a little different than that
my instant emotions are no longer taking toll
i am somewhat numb inside now
thinking of positive thoughts
i have came far
yet i have more to learn
being on my own
single, nonetheless
for three years now
really has changed my outlook on life
on love
and lack of
the challenges i have faced
i crushed them all
even when the walls were crumbling around me
i have become more of a fighter
stronger
tougher
yet still not tough enough
i am threw with the old habits of the way that was
looking forward continuing this journey and learning
developing
creating
the real man that lies within
all along
no more do i "need" someone in my life
to love me
to care for me
no more wasting energy on looking for someone
to hold
to love
to hold
when one spends so much time searching
that energy is wasted
and "they" could have passed you by
you must open your soul,
energy,
heart
and soul to allow that special someone
to enter, re-enter or find you life
my time is coming
and if my doors remain open
and my heart is never filled
i know i have experienced a lot in my life
and can continue to do so
alone
and be okay with it

betta tell him

coming home to me every night
smellin' a little different than usual
the usual kisses that say "hello, i love you"
are slowly diminishing with each passing day
i sense you are pulling further and further away

what have i done for you to run away like this
when all i have done is been the man you wanted
i changed my life and became a different person
only to sense you are falling out of love each day

is there someone else out there
who keeps you happier
who loves you harder
who sexes you nightly
who has what i dont have

well you betta tell him
tell him that your time is up
betta tell him you guys are through
tell him that the journey comes to an end
betta tell him
before i show him

i hear all of your excuses each day
getting so old for me to hear this babble
why ya going to go and fuck up a good thing
is it the man in you that makes you so typical
after all

who ya textin
who ya callin
who ya kissin
who ya fuckin

i could just drop you like it means no difference
but after all the blood, sweat and tears
to get this far and let you just to leave me
you got another thing coming
why can't you just be honest
with me
with him
with yourself

betta tell him
betta close that door
betta tell him
betta open your heart

after thought
let me think
should i waste anymore time on you
cause you are wasting time on me
fuck that
i am moving on
but ya know what
hope he fulfills your dreams
and makes you happy

does he even know about me
well now he will
cause im gonna tell him
but not by voice
but by me leaving you tonight

get your clothes
get your shit
cause love aint in this home anymore
and neither are you

betta tell him

looking for labels

in a world where we are all consumed by labels
rich, poor
Gucci, Kmart
fat, skinny
tall, thin
beautiful, unattractive
comes a time when we must throw away them
why must we attach a word to a
feeling
emotion
status
when we can just be simple and just be us
who cares what the others say
no rules were written on how we are to be
so just be ourselves
if someone is new to meeting someone
just enjoy their company
and see what times will bring ahead
if you are not in great shape
love yourself
dont go overboard and try to become skinny
just to please a man, a woman, just yourself
if you can't afford to buy expensive clothes
then dont do it
do clothes really show what you have inside?
No.
If you dont make a lot of money
be thankful you have a job
always can improve your skills in time
then you can take them out to eat instead
just be yourself
no need to justify your reasoning to anyone
but yourself
are you friends?
are you dating?
am I going to see them again?
people tend to worry about things they cannot change
instead just enjoy the moment you are engaged with the person
within time you will know and/or feel what you both are
live in a world of simplicity
a world without chaos
and mental dramatics
take a breath
and know you are not alone
i know i am not

(Let's) Finish What We Started

so you needed your space
so you needed your time
so you needed your mind clear
so you needed your life back

get up off your ass
show me what you got
throw the depression away
stop using your mind to confuse you
you know what you want
now go get it

you say you dont know you are
you say you dont know what to do
you say you dont know where you are
you say you dont know who you are
you say you dont know who you love

you had it all
you gave it up
are you happier
no

you had a big family
you gave it up
are you healthier
no

you had the perfect situation
but you felt out of sorts
and threw it all away
for what
nothing
nothing has changed

get up off your ass
and do something about it
make things happen for you
dont put pressures on yourself
just get up and do it

i want to hold you in my arms
cry out loud how much you are missed
but more importantly i just want to say
i am no longer the man that's pissed

you made your bed
you must lie in it
you hurt those you love they say
so what comes around goes around
you will always be loved
by the man you left

so let's finish what we started

P.S. I Love You

I miss your hugs.
I miss your kisses.
I miss your arm around me.
I miss my arm around you.
I miss our playful moments.
I miss our showers.
I miss our intimacy.
I miss watching you drive my car and we die. LOL
I miss just talking to you.
I miss seeing you.
I miss loving you - yet I will never stop.
I miss your help with Chase.
I miss you playing with Chase.
I miss our plans we would make together for the future and present.
I miss our hopes and dreams.
I miss your kids.
I miss my guidance to you to help you.
I miss listening to your stories.
I miss us laughing.
I miss your smile.
I miss everything.

Will it ever be the same?
Will it ever be given the chance in time?
Will you ever fall in love with me?
Will I ever heal from this?
Will these dark feelings I have disappear?
Will you be able to work your mind out?
Will my heart go on once glued together?
Will I wait for you (yes)?

You are my everything.
You accepted me for my body.
You accepted me for my pain.
You accepted me for my situation.
You accepted me for my imperfections.
You accepted me, for me.
No one ever has.
It took 34 years for my soul mate to find me.
Then within a blink of an eye - you vanished.

Please take the time you need to heal
from your past
from your inner mental health
from your family
from yourself
and maybe, just maybe
you will space in your heart for me again.

i love you

d.

I Love You (But I Am Not In Love With You)

love is such an amazing feeling
whether you are giving it
even better when receiving it
how a person loves differs
the emotions that take over
feelings that you can't control
especially hard when one loves
but others are not in love with you
you are left empty, lost, confused
unsure of what they truly ever felt
I never felt real love until recently
then in a blink of an eye it was gone
my heart has sunk deep within
pounding to every heart beat of life
wondering if I will ever find someone
a someone who will love me for me
like he did
a someone who accepted me
like he did
a someone who understood
like he did
a someone who is patient
like he was
i finally found my soulmate
i felt it the moment we met
but I must have been wrong
cause he didn't return the love
the way that I felt
I took myself away from ever being found
yet he found me
he woke my soul up
i felt alive and ready to live
instead of just existing as i have
but now that part of him is gone
if it was even ever there
and now i must regroup and regain
the strength i had built up before him
and put up a stronger wall so that
no one can enter my heart ever again
I wont give in to any man ever again
I cant handle the loss of a broken heart
when I dont know how to heal the one i have
he felt we rushed into something so fast
without giving him time to heal from his past
i understand that, I truly do
but what I could have given him
would have been the healing he needed
we must move on
he must move on
i must move on
once he is healed he will make someone so happy
i just am so saddened that it was not me
And then I told him "I love you"
and he replied, "but I am not in love with you"

Quicksand

walking along this path we call life
i have found so many forks ahead
taking whatever one felt was best
only to get to my destination alone
pushing through the crowds around
only to look back and not see you
i slipped and fell into this earth
trying to get up it keeps me close
i am being pulled down even further
this energy is dragging me harder
i begin to grasp onto anything
just to get another chance
its taking me down under more
i pray i can get gasp for more air
no one can hear me scream so loud
i realize quickly that my life is over
as i cant seem to pull myself out
of this ever sinking quicksand
i see no more light above me
i am running out of air now
then suddenly an energy comes down
enters this entity that is pulling me
and brings me afloat and when i look up
to see what this energy is that saved me
it was you

Worth the Wait

Could it just be that simple
that if you met me you'd like me
for me
only me
accept me for the flaws
and all
no judgement
hold me in your arms
look into my eyes
talk all night
cuddling on the couch
being next to me
sharing happy memories
if i fall, would you catch me
if i fail, will you help me succeed again
will you look inside my soul
and leave the exterior to be beautiful
because i believe and have faith
that it can be and
will be worth the wait
for you

Somebody Save Me

Ever lost in this path I call life
I've done my share of good and bad
Fallen down and got right back up
Scared I will lose myself again

save me from my darkness
save me from my fears
save me from my body
save me from my pain
save me from my past
save me from my manipulations
save me from my passions
save me from my loneliness
save me from my addictions
save me from my yearning
save me from my tears

I know this may get me in trouble
but knowing that I am not alone
I am tired of the struggle I've faced
but fearing the future is scary

somebody save me
help me let me guard down
for one more time
and be free of the demons eating my soul alive
the good is hiding inside
the good is worth it
the good is overwhelming
but it's deep
peel the layers back
and somebody save me
from me