childhood losses

I normally write poetry, in my own form, but this is something I just need to write about in this format because I dont know how to express what I am feeling and have been feeling for such a long time. Since moving to Asheville, I have changed, altered, shed a layer, developed, I dont know the correct term, but the energy here and the atmosphere has shined a new light on me, or perhaps an old light that I have hid in darkness. What I am talking about reflects on many things but this particular issue is in regards to children. I sit on a bus day after day, going to and heading home, day in, day out; I see the same kids, parents; I also go out to eat at some local places near my home and I see fathers with their kids, mother's with the daughters, parents with their children; Like last night, I went to eat and in front of me was a nice looking father and he had two beautiful kids; those kids looked up at him like and just adored their father. I felt like an arrow was shot into my own heart wishing I had that relationship and that connection with my own son. Ever since I decided to try to change my sexuality, I wanted to get married, have a family and be the "family" that we all desire to be and have in life. I did that, and my way about having that family created a domino effect of many years of doubt, financial and emotional turmoil, the rollercoaster ride of emotions when I divorced my ex-wife and had to give up that daily fatherhood routine. After that happened, NO ONE and I mean it, no one, even can understand the pain I have had up until this day still. I feel so responsible for bringing Chase into this world and having him go through so much in his young life. His maternal grandmother was a Godsend for his first five years until she sadly passed away in 2001; something happened after she passed and I got this feeling to flee and I headed to Houston from Indiana to grasp on to anything I could; I felt defeated without having a way to have full custody of my son, and even I knew I wasn't stable enough financially to show the courts I could do it and taking a child from their mother is a tough thing, even if you yourself have doubts in their parenting. I tried and tried, I thought I did, to be the best father I could be as I traveled from state to state trying to find "home" and yet I never was successful until now. The last two years I spent in Indiana during my health issues, I became more in tune with myself, I spent a lot of time alone and got to know me better and started to shed those layers, and then I finally came to a point where I was tired of the way my life was and now I have ended up here where I feel different, more secure, more grounded. I am working, I am getting my own place (first time ever living totally alone, taking care of myself) and working on getting my credit fixed, so that I can have a better future. Keep in mind, during the last (almost) 13 years of Chase's life, I did a lot of things for him and because of him; I was even teased for six months while he lived with me and thought FINALLY! and yet things changed and he ended up back with his mother. I have done things for him, that a father should do, I potty trained him, I got him off the pacifier, I taught him to walk at 1 yrs old; however, I was not there during his "learning" years and missed out on a lot; but when I moved back in 2006, I am proud to say that I helped him by guiding him to change behaviors at school for his grades to change from D's and F's to A/B honor roll to graduate elementary. My son is a follower. He does what others do. He had hung around the wrong crowd, getting into a lot of trouble, he knows things that a child of his age shouldn't - even if it is 2008, a child should not be subjected to sexual knowings, drugs, alcohol - not saying he has done it, but has been around it. I dont place total blame on his mother anymore as I chose to leave town so many times, in efforts to try improve my life by bettering my finances so I can provide child support for him; and I even failed at that. So, why am I writing this? Well, after being here and seeing all the "family" love from father and child/ren, I feel I deserve the right to raise a child. I want to give a child out there who needs a loving father/family, just that - me! I want to adopt within a couple years of being stable at same job, and nice savings account. I want the chance to be that father from early age all the way. This DOES NOT say I dont love Chase, I love him so much, but I feel I have failed. He is 13 almost and I have been absent for so many of the years, I feel like I have failed him. He does not look up to me and adore me like I see those children out there. I have tears in my eyes right now because it hurts so bad inside and no one can understand the emotional toll it has taken on me, the lengths I have went to, to attempt to get closer to Chase. He loves he me he says; but it's not the ideal situation and I am the one responsible for that, no one else. So, I will have that chance to have another child to myself and be that father I know I can be and will be; not to replace Chase, but to add to my already existing small family. My intentions were always pure but so impulsive that he has to pay for it by being in the living situation he is in; I wanted better for him; to give him what I didn't have growing up. I messed up and I want another chance at a childhood. I dont know if I made my point but I know what I am trying to say, like I said, no one will ever understand what has happened to me.