a letter

This is a letter I sent to Chase today, each week I send him an allowance pending his weekly school report, and this week since he missed again he didn't get his $10, but I reached out to him via letter. If he will read it, or if he will absorb it, just if.
d.
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Chase,
Oh Chase Jordan. I am sitting here thinking and thinking, "How do I reach out to my son?" and "How can I help my son benefit the most from me as a father?" – and I just come up blank and lost because so many things have happened in your very short but filled, almost, 13 years of life. I am working on a personal project right now, or about to start, and when it's complete and you are older – you will be introduced to this project to help better understand me, who I am, how I think, where I have been and where I hope to go in the future ahead.

I want to tell you first and foremost, and believe me with all your might and you should know this, but I love you more than anything. You are the inspiration that keeps daddy going everyday. You are the reason I go out in this crazy, madhouse of a world and try to find that place to call 'home' and do right for myself so I can do right for you, and your mother. You are the reason I am here today. I have been through a lot myself, and a lot you don't know because you don't need to know at this time, and there are things I've never told anyone – but you are my son, always and forever until they day we both are gone off this Earth.

I moved home a couple years ago to tackle two obstacles. The first being YOU. I wanted to come home and help ease the pressure off your mother and be more of an influence in those years which were 10, 11 and 12 years old. I wanted to help by putting down some ground rules and show you that you are a child, not the adult. I wanted you to be proud of yourself for raising your grades from D/F's to A/B honor roll at Eastside Elementary. You did the work. I was just there to guide you. I know you have been mad at me, said hurtful things, slammed doors, screamed at me and "hated me" – but it's because I am your father that I have to do those things in order for you to learn, and not repeat the same mistakes.

My father and I were never close, not like how you and I are. I want to give you as much of me as I can, be your father and still remain that friendship with you. I want you to trust me and know that I am always here for you, no matter what, and I mean that. You are a very smart child. Yes, you are a lazy student and a small framed kid, but you know only you are in charge of yourself . No one can change you except you. I know that. People tried to change me for years and I even tried to change me, and that's how you came along. I am so grateful for the fact that I am a father. I am so grateful you are healthy. I am so proud of your accomplishments in your life – but remember you must push yourself harder and "BELIEVE" you can DO IT! Because the truth is, Chase, you can do it. I have learned so much about myself just by trial and error, meaning try something and if it doesn't work, try something else. I have made a gazillion mistakes in my life, and am still paying for some of them up till this very day, but what I am trying to say is that you can make a change in yourself to be a better student, a better son and a better Chase overall.

I don't want you to end up struggling like your mother and I. I don't want you to spend your life in that town where it's a dead end for a future. I would love for you to wrap yourself up in your school and attend college, get a degree, be proud of that and go out and do something you love – you may not know what you want to do when you "grow up" yet but it will come. The sky is the limit and only you can make it or break it. You want something in life – only YOU can go out and grab it and make it yours.

But you have to try – you have to say "I want this!" and go for it! You have learned so many things, a lot of bad stuff as well. You know way too much for a child of your age, and that is not your fault, it's our fault as parents for not being more strict on who you were around, what you watched, the video games we let you play and what you witnessed in your life.

I am sorry for moving away and back so many times, but you just don't understand the real underlying situation for why I do what I do. This is not normal. My own father moved my mother and I around so much, so maybe it's in our blood, I don't know. I am trying to find a home of my own, a place to call home, and living up in Indiana is just gloom and doom for me, no matter how hard I try. The workforce is very hard up there, the area is just not a positive place to be and I want something better for myself and honestly for you as well. It hurts so bad since the day I moved out of your mother's home and we got a divorce, leaving you both – up until this day, because I don't have a full time son. I didn't sign up for being a part time father, I have wanted to have a child of my own and I created this issue by getting married so young and having a child and then leaving the family unit. It's my own fault – but I pay for it each day because I look around and see fathers with their children and it just is a knife in my heart and I scream inside saying "I want my OWN child!" – this is just honesty coming from your father to you. I want to be a dad with my child and myself, alone.

Maybe someday I will get my chance at another child to raise completely on my own, but for now, I want you to know how much I love you and want you to be proud of yourself and do for you. I am sending you an "allowance" just for attending a full week of school and doing good at this alternative school. I want you to learn and earn. I want you to trust me and count on me. I want you to come down here and spend your holidays with me. I want you to come down next summer for a month. I have the right as a devoted father to be with you, even if I am far away.

You are my ray of light. I don't want you to just give up at age 13 and not care anymore about life. You have witness your mother and I struggle with our health, with our finances, and if you want something better than that, then you must absolutely work your ass off to build that confidence in you, raise those grades, get back to North Side, move on to high school, then hopefully college and make Chase Lancaster the best guy he can be.

I sent you a cell phone prepaid to use so that your mother or I can reach you when we need too. It needs to be used only if we call, or you need to call and there is no phone to use and for emergencies. I will add money to it when it gets down to 15 minutes. I want to teach your responsibility and taking accountability for your actions. For every action, there is a reaction – whether positive or negative.

This is all adult talk but I am writing to you as a father who loves their son and wishes upon a star that one day God or the Creator will bring you to me so I can get my chance at true happiness of being the father I have always desired to be on a full time basis.

Just listen to your mother. Focus on your goals. Make some goals. Stay out of trouble. You know right from wrong. Remember that mama bagienski is watching you from up above and she is there with you always. Also remember that nana loves you and that you should respect her and give her some of your time since she is your only living, loving grandparent that wants to be near you.

We are not perfect. No one is Chase. We all have made mistakes in our lives. We should learn from them and move on to the next day in our life. You have to learn to forgive those who hurt you, you don't have to forget, but you are a child still for 6 more years and you must listen to us as your parents until then.

I want you to come with my father to bring Noah and Twilight down here. He is coming down and staying all night, going home the next day. This is completely up to you. I am not going to bribe, force, or twist your arm – if you don't want to come, then that's your loss, and I will wait for the next chance to see you.

Be good.

Listen.

Study.

Practice.

Try.

Learn and

Earn!



I love you…



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