What was supposed to be the conclusion of my cousin's birthday weekend part 2, even with him gone due to his mother's passing, my friend Jessica and I decided to return to the scene of last weekend where we all had a blast together getting a tad too drunk, smoked hookah and danced the night away. Well, that wasn't the case this weekend. While we wanted to have to have a blast, it turned out quite the opposite as it was the most fearful night of my life. I (We) have never been so scared in our lives as this is what happened...
We got to the area where we were going to spend the evening, we walked to the area from the car and there was a woman riding a lime (like a bull), a bumble bee like drag queen, a concert being done up by B.O.B., people doing Amazing Race type climbing up walls, and it was just an over all wild vision to see upon walking into the area of Ybor City last night.
As we walked down towards the hookah bar that we first experienced last week, we sat down and ordered a "strawberry/pineapple" flavored hookah, bottled water and a spiced tea. Jessica and I sat there waiting for a while and then before we knew it, they brought the hookah to the table and we were just talking up a storm.
We took one hit a piece, then two hits, I started feeling the "high" per say, and then a third hit, at the same time after the fourth hit, something happened...everything stopped...it was like The Matrix as if time was stopping and restarting, I looked over and the anxiety and fear in Jessica's face replicated the very fear inside of me, things were chopping, as if a movie was skipping and repeating itself, everything was so slow and we couldn't even move, we tried to get up but our legs were numb and my throat was feeling swollen as if I was having trouble to breathe. No amount of journalistic words could describe the fear of the moment. We sat back down and I recall telling the people working there that we were scared and something wasn't right, he kept telling us to relax, sit back and let it wear off as it has only been a few minutes and we felt it had been hours because the time was so slow. When we would move, it was very choppy and Matrix-like, I was fearful and so scared that we were dying.
We managed to get up and she grabbed my hand as we walked down the street, the lights, the people, everywhere was so intensified and the sounds of the street and the loud music from the clubs were making all the visions feel worse and amplified. We got worse, we were scared and unsure where to go, I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of the street celebration where nobody would even recognize if we did. We saw a police officer and asked for help, he thought were making it up and pointed us to the fireman. We approached the fireman, four of them, and explained what happened, they didn't believe us either and thought were drunk, but we hadn't even been drinking, and only four hits off this so called hookah that had to be something more (last week the four of us had a great time and NOTHING like this happened).
The fireman asked us to drink water and go sit somewhere and let it wear off, after what felt like an eternity we managed to find somewhere to get bottled water, and sit for a while until we finally headed back to the car. I kept telling her to not drive or we'd definitely end up dead; but our focus began to clear but still very much messed up and somehow she managed to drive us 20 miles home and safely to a local diner where we ordered food hoping it would help, our senses began to soften and things started to become more realistic, enough for her to drop me off and she made it home safely. All of this happened in 90 minutes but felt like endless time.
I woke up this morning and still this evening I am not 100% as everything is moving slow and very foggy, memory is very vivid yet dark from last night. I must say we are very lucky we didn't die, overdose, or whatever could have happened last night, and this was a MAJOR wake up call for us, and especially me to NEVER wish to be dead as my depression sometimes says to my spirit, because last night was a near death experience and I can't imagine what life would be like stuck in that time warp we were in last night.
What was intended to be a safe and LEGAL concoction, turned out to be the worse night of my life, ever.
Don't do it. EVER. We were drugged and it could have been so much worse than the hell it already was.
d.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What's THE Purpose?
I mean really? What is the purpose anymore? What is the reasoning for all of this that hovers of my head on a daily basis? I'm just plain exhausted. The light that comes and goes in my spirit has faded slowly as it has come to a halt. I am physically so exhausted now every day from my job, stress, depression and mentally draining strains that weigh down on me on a daily basis. I have come to a point where I am getting desperate because I am so alone. I have been single for going on six years since my last true relationship and even while that relationship wasn't the greatest, I still had someone in my life to be there on a daily basis, be there for me and have a comfort level that I have never had again since. I am not your typical guy. I deal with the guilt and anger over having sexual performance issues with a very low testosterone level which prevents from having erections with other people, no sex drive physically and the over all low energy level from having very below average hormone levels. I know in my heart I will always be single and alone. Nobody wants someone who does not want or desire intimacy. I long so much to be held, to be looked at, to cuddle on couch just being with someone who cares for me for me. It ain't going to happen, I know the community for which I am ashamed to even be a part of yet I know deep inside that there isn't anyone for me. Dealing with this day in and day out burdens me to the deepest and darkest realms of my mind and broken spirit. Yes, I can get insurance someday and get hormone therapy to raise my levels, and maybe, just maybe, I can feel good and enjoy the part of life that we are all meant to enjoy.
I have had a roller coaster of a mental wipe out for most of my life going from in and out of therapy, suicide attempts some landed me in the inpatient hospital, from being a victim of brutal sexual abuse twenty years ago next month, going through "coming out" as a teen, never feeling part of a family, getting married to run from who I am or wasn't, fathering a child that has drained me with the adventures he and I have endured, the abduction nightmares from when I was five years old, to the constant feeling of never being able to please anyone including my mother most of all who has made me feel less than perfect since I was a child.
I have traveled all over the US in the last ten years trying to find my home, getting restless and uprooting again as all of this follows me where ever I go. I went through a period when I got involved with Kabbalah that I felt alive and energized but that spirit has faded and I am more broken than ever. My mood goes from one extreme to another in a split second. My quality of life had deteriorated to the point of taking all my energy to even make it through a normal day. I can list pages of experiences that have brought me to who I am today, but I am tired, I am exhausted and I just am losing all my passion for life, for goals, for the fact I know I am destined to be alone for life.
So I ask, what's my purpose? Why even bother with this life as it's path has drained me to just being a flesh shell with a damaged soul. My obsession with being validated and loved has taken me all over and now my gas is running out. There are people who know me (what they think) real well, and others who I have met online who only know me via my words, there are others who I have hurt, unintentionally, and those who have hurt me; I have survived many challenges in my life in every possible genre of life including spiritually, sexually, physically, mentally, medically and emotionally, and I have kept pushing myself.
My physical health is a main priority as I have not felt good for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. I have continued to TRY to do right by others, fighting every obstacle that gets in my way, but in the end, always ruining all the work I had accomplished in the meantime.
The situation with my son has warped my soul for the last almost 16 years now as I have been part of a troubled child who has turned out to be such a messed up young man and the guilt and anger that I harbor inside has destroyed the pilot light that has barely been burning for so long. NOBODY can understand the situation with my son and his mother, and what has become of my son. I worked so hard, fought the courts, the law, the teachers, the probation officer, the school and his mother to save him and after all that in return I got to the point of mental exhaustion as I had nobody on my side to fight with me to get the help he needs/needed in order to get his life about face; so once again I gave in to him and gave him back to his mother, who has been the #1 reason of his failures, and I left again never to look back again.
Another big cloud over my head is the downfall of my relationship with my mother; I have exhausted all avenues of that family bond after thirty plus years of trying, what I thought was my best, only to continue to fail in her eyes, and be thrown to the wolves as in her eyes I am a failure, and her words and actions have caused me to think even more about the fact that I am a fuck up, whether born this way, environmentally or just a mental case, I am flawed beyond repair.
Here I am in Florida, a new state where I know nobody, lonely as ever, trying to stand tall and move forward only to crumble upon to ashes within. I even already plan on moving again to another location, and the bohemian spirit within wants to experience so much more as something brought me to this area, and maybe it will reveal itself why I am here.
Go back to therapy? Get a job with insurance? Get my hormones leveled out so that my mood, sex drive, physical overall health together? I dont know how to do it, I am struggling to get through each day with a job that stresses me out without any insurance possibilities until six months to a year, if I make it.
I get encouraging words from people from all over, but nobody, I mean NOBODY knows how I feel, or don't feel, and I have failed in so many ways and burnt so many bridges that I don't have the strength to even go any further some days.
I don't know my purpose of writing this blog, but I just am frustrated and am on the edge of slipping into a deeper pit than I already am. I feel nobody knows me, nor will take the time to listen and really BE a true friend or family. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us, so I dont want to spend the remainder of my days with such a low spirit that is damaged and broken.
TMI? I don't care, I wanted to share, because if you were in my shoes, you'd be in despair as well.
d.
I have had a roller coaster of a mental wipe out for most of my life going from in and out of therapy, suicide attempts some landed me in the inpatient hospital, from being a victim of brutal sexual abuse twenty years ago next month, going through "coming out" as a teen, never feeling part of a family, getting married to run from who I am or wasn't, fathering a child that has drained me with the adventures he and I have endured, the abduction nightmares from when I was five years old, to the constant feeling of never being able to please anyone including my mother most of all who has made me feel less than perfect since I was a child.
I have traveled all over the US in the last ten years trying to find my home, getting restless and uprooting again as all of this follows me where ever I go. I went through a period when I got involved with Kabbalah that I felt alive and energized but that spirit has faded and I am more broken than ever. My mood goes from one extreme to another in a split second. My quality of life had deteriorated to the point of taking all my energy to even make it through a normal day. I can list pages of experiences that have brought me to who I am today, but I am tired, I am exhausted and I just am losing all my passion for life, for goals, for the fact I know I am destined to be alone for life.
So I ask, what's my purpose? Why even bother with this life as it's path has drained me to just being a flesh shell with a damaged soul. My obsession with being validated and loved has taken me all over and now my gas is running out. There are people who know me (what they think) real well, and others who I have met online who only know me via my words, there are others who I have hurt, unintentionally, and those who have hurt me; I have survived many challenges in my life in every possible genre of life including spiritually, sexually, physically, mentally, medically and emotionally, and I have kept pushing myself.
My physical health is a main priority as I have not felt good for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. I have continued to TRY to do right by others, fighting every obstacle that gets in my way, but in the end, always ruining all the work I had accomplished in the meantime.
The situation with my son has warped my soul for the last almost 16 years now as I have been part of a troubled child who has turned out to be such a messed up young man and the guilt and anger that I harbor inside has destroyed the pilot light that has barely been burning for so long. NOBODY can understand the situation with my son and his mother, and what has become of my son. I worked so hard, fought the courts, the law, the teachers, the probation officer, the school and his mother to save him and after all that in return I got to the point of mental exhaustion as I had nobody on my side to fight with me to get the help he needs/needed in order to get his life about face; so once again I gave in to him and gave him back to his mother, who has been the #1 reason of his failures, and I left again never to look back again.
Another big cloud over my head is the downfall of my relationship with my mother; I have exhausted all avenues of that family bond after thirty plus years of trying, what I thought was my best, only to continue to fail in her eyes, and be thrown to the wolves as in her eyes I am a failure, and her words and actions have caused me to think even more about the fact that I am a fuck up, whether born this way, environmentally or just a mental case, I am flawed beyond repair.
Here I am in Florida, a new state where I know nobody, lonely as ever, trying to stand tall and move forward only to crumble upon to ashes within. I even already plan on moving again to another location, and the bohemian spirit within wants to experience so much more as something brought me to this area, and maybe it will reveal itself why I am here.
Go back to therapy? Get a job with insurance? Get my hormones leveled out so that my mood, sex drive, physical overall health together? I dont know how to do it, I am struggling to get through each day with a job that stresses me out without any insurance possibilities until six months to a year, if I make it.
I get encouraging words from people from all over, but nobody, I mean NOBODY knows how I feel, or don't feel, and I have failed in so many ways and burnt so many bridges that I don't have the strength to even go any further some days.
I don't know my purpose of writing this blog, but I just am frustrated and am on the edge of slipping into a deeper pit than I already am. I feel nobody knows me, nor will take the time to listen and really BE a true friend or family. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us, so I dont want to spend the remainder of my days with such a low spirit that is damaged and broken.
TMI? I don't care, I wanted to share, because if you were in my shoes, you'd be in despair as well.
d.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
President Franco and The Miami HEAT!
At the spur of the moment, I decided to drive to Miami on Thursday instead of Friday afternoon as the anticipation of seeing James Franco at the poetry event was making me more anxious. So we drove down to Miami on Thursday evening, stopping in West Palm Beach to see my friend, Pat, then finally driving down to find a hotel in Hollywood and crashing after the sun-filled drive. We finally found the hotel within reason and within the budget of very little cash on hand. I showered, which felt amazing after sweating in car all day, then fell asleep so that the time of meeting Franco would be there faster.
Morning arrived and we set out driving down the A1A to Miami Beach where we finally decided on parking at the event parking garage and walking around Miami Beach. It was SO hot, only reached 86 degrees but felt like 100 with the sun scorching down on my fair skin causing slight discomfort and sweat-athon! We walked around Miami Beach, up and down every street as we arrived 8 hours before the event. Our eyes laid upon the most beautiful men, women and children we've ever seen. I had lived in Los Angeles and Houston, but yet never seeing any beautiful people like we saw. The men were perfection, so many ethnicities that caused my heart to flutter as I could only imagine having one minute with any of them. The heat was unbearable, there was people everywhere, we kept walking all over eventually walking to the beach where there were flocks of people from all over the beach, beautiful waters, salt like sand and Baywatch lifeguards that could save my life any day. Even saw some topless women just sunbathing in the sun, kinda took me back a bit to see that as I wasn't expecting it.
The day was slowly passing by as we continued to walk all over and we did not have the funds to enjoy food and water as much as we wanted too but we managed and later hung out at Starbucks until closer to event time. After a spit bath in the bathroom, I was ready to see James as we headed over to the event. It was a beautiful Symphony Hall and we waited in line to get in, they let us in and my nerves were on fire as we were an hour away from seeing James perform poetry with two other poets.
The event began, we were seated as I was on edge of seat awaiting for James to arrive, only to find out that he was still in the air with no ETA for his arrival in Miami. The first two poets continued reading for just over an hour and then the worse news of all, "James Franco will not be here tonight, his plane was re-routed to Orlando due to President Obama flying into Miami International but if you stay we could try to get him to Skype in"
My jaw dropped, I had tears in my eyes and could barely breathe. Here I spent my last dollars to get down here, faced my anxiety and fears with driving a long distance, dealt with hours of the sun and money for tickets to NOT see him. I was devastated. Many of the fans who were there just for James left as we hung around, because I had this feeling, something was brewing within, then it happened. The announcer came out and said, "If you can wait a little bit longer, James Franco is in route from Orlando to Miami and will be arriving at 10:00 PM" - alas! I had a sigh of relief to know he was coming. "He will not be reading any poetry but he has agreed to do a book signing for Palo Alto for everyone who stays" - I just smiled from ear to ear yet disappointed he wasn't there for his, what could have been, hour long poetry read.
I ran and got in line right off bat and was like 8 people back from front of line. We all waited patiently for the arrival and after about an hour of waiting in line, he arrived.
He was so tired. He looked beyond exhausted. He looked mad and disappointed. Yet five feet in front of me was the man I have loved for over 10 years and he was here! We all had our books open and ready for autographs. I was sweating, shaking and so nervous here is this amazing actor, Oscar host and Academy Award Nominee, student, teacher, writer and over all amazing human, finally...right in front of me.
I walked up and he looked up after signing my book and as I told him, "You made a grown man cry, thanks so much for getting here," he replied with "Thanks Douglas for waiting" and that 30 seconds was over and snagged a couple quick pictures and was escorted out of the hall. I looked back in the building at him and just was in awe that he made this happen for his fans even with the untimely arrival of the President that caused what I had waited months for to be short lived but still well worth it.
I no sooner got in my car and was driving home 4 hours to the other coast of Florida, facing every demon inside with the anxiety of driving long distance but with the fuel of Franco in my blood, I made it home safely and fast asleep.
We were told they would be giving refunds for the event and I plan on asking for that because he was the sole reason I made this adventure. So bottom line, Obama caused this delay and change in a once in a lifetime experience, but over all a great experience and thankful I had that "moment" with Franco.
Special thanks to James Franco News http://twitter.com/JamesFrancoNews and on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/James-Franco-News-giftaways/125870137491431 and to O, Miami http://twitter.com/omiamifestival for the festival!
@ItsJustDouglas
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
It's Break Time
I have come to a time where I feel I am going to scream within from social media obsessions. The social media sites we love (to hate) of Twitter and Facebook have consumed my time creating major distractions to things I once loved to do including reading, writing, socializing, interacting, watching tv and movies. I have become so addicted to the sites posting my every thought, sharing links, comments, status updating literally every second of the waking day that I have come to a point where I must put down the laptop, close the sites or turn off the iPhone where I spend 90% of my day since being out of work.
It has to stop, it has to completely stop, and learn that do my tweets even mean anything to anyone else? Do my Facebook status updates really matter to the reader? Are the people who follow you or your FB friends really care about you, yes some of them do, but it's like a popularity contest on Facebook anymore, people add hundreds and thousands of "friends" and why? Is this high school all over again? I believe it is. I had recently deleted over 400 people from Facebook to only keep the people that actually interact with me. I am not going to delete Facebook, nor Twitter, but I must slow down and go back to enjoying non-electronic induced fun again. I know that society now has the biggest A.D.D. ever with these sites, I have my phone in my hand more than anything all day, from posting tweets, updating FB, playing mobile games, texting, using GPS, googling something, it's just crazy. So, I had a breaking moment today where I said I need to slow down, but wont delete them (yet)
Being off work for the last four months it got really bad, because when I work, I work, come home, cook, watch tv and go to bed, but since I am literally addicted now, I need to start backing off NOW before returning to work so that I dont use it at work, and get caught, putting myself at losing my job because I had to see who tweeted? Really!?
Am I being a bitch? Am I an asshole? No, I am just venting because I am worried about the future of our society as we have become so disconnected from each other. People rarely call other people, we all text each other, or tweet and Facebook. Now, going out with friends here in town, to a restaurant or a bar, everyone has their phone out non stop, how can humans enjoy company as we once did if all we are doing is being rude to each other by being on the phone ignoring those friends that we love and have spent so long trying to build friendships. Can't we put our phones down for a couple hours and enjoy each other for a change? Can you try it with your friends? I was a bar on the dancefloor recently and majority of the people dancing all had their phones out checking their latest Grindr application (a gay GPS based profile app to locate gays in the area that normally want to hook up) - I mean REALLY, can't we just dance and enjoy the music, well I know I am from now on.
Even watching tv now has # (hashtags) now such as Glee last night with #Glee on the television, meaning for you to go to twitter and follow the show via the #Glee hashtag on Twitter. For those who know me, I have always been a movie fanatic, but the last six months or so, I always have my phone out or laptop out and miss most of the show, and have lost interest in movie watching unless I am at a movie where I dont take my phone out at all.
I am frustrated with the quality of life I have succumbed too, the addiction to knowing everything, posting everything, this also stems from my previous addiction to the online dating sites and gay sites that I used to obsess over trying to get that little attention from anyone possible I could get any from. Being that I am not quite the typical homosexual, those sites do NOTHING for me and I am not satisfied from the staring at those sites day in day out because I am not stooping to nor changing who I am to be that low of a person to hook up with strangers for meaningless sex. For those of who you who love the sites like grindr, Adam for Adam, gay.com, bear411 and all those sites, go for it, it's what you enjoy - but I am also just stating my opinion that there is so much out there than sitting behind a keyboard, laptop, mobile device on those people who really amount to nothing. Just broken promises, broken attempts and failure on their end. Majority of them post pics of their torso leaving nothing to the imagination, oh yeah once you get that one night stand from them, they vanish. Simply, a waste of time.
Any take aways from this for the reader, if anyone does, not really, just my opinion of the social media craze out there and my open acceptance of my addiction to it and where it has ruined my life and I must reclaim my life and get back in touch with me without sharing it all with other people.
Thanks for reading...agree? disagree? leave a comment...
d.
OMG!
In two weeks, I get to meet my favorite actor, James Franco, down in Miami! I am SO excited you dont even know! Ill post pictures from my trip and hopefully Ill get his book autographed! (below and link to purchase)
EVENT LINK FOR MIAMI!
http://www.nws.edu/eventdetail.aspx?EID=475
http://www.amazon.com/Palo-Alto-Stories-James-Franco/dp/1439163146
Can't friggin' wait!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thoughts, Ponders and Wonders
Three months, almost, here in The Sunshine State...has it been all glam and glitz? Nah. The truth is that no matter where this body goes, the mind still has to deal with the undealt with, the past, but while I am working on my present for my future to be better; I still have the battles within. Has Florida been a good choice? Yes. By all means, this place is a paradise of many sorts.
I have met a handful of great people in my life now that I consider as family, and met other acquaintanceships as well. I have seen many beautiful things including the sandy beaches of the Gulf. Just a simple visit to the beach can clear the mindset that may clog me on a negative day. I'm happy yes, but I have been out of work for almost four months and start my new job in just a couple weeks, then life will be back to the grind of the daily in and out of life; yet I will be happy for that because being off work for four months I have grown so bored with life even in the new city where there are many of things to do but yet to me, sitting at home, being online and watching tv and movies is just as simple as things can be. I like the simple life, no need to be out and about every night. Just do what makes YOU happy and quite frankly doing nothing at home is my kinda day.
Yes, I could have done that back home in Indiana, but there was no future of employment there, and I needed to be in an area where I could meet and create a family for the future. I am haunted daily by the situation with Chase, I thought I could be all big and bad and tough regarding the decision to allow him to return back to his mother, yet I am daily reminded how much I love him, miss him and wished things turned out so different. He hasn't reached out to me, yet I send him a weekly post card to let him know I think of him and love him so very much. I'll never stop.
Then came my cousin, Maurice, who moved here just a few weeks ago, which has been a great addition to my move. We will be getting our own apartment in the summer; while he is here it's been fun to laugh, and have someone I trust to hang out with along with the other folks I have grown into my family tree of Florida. I miss my mom a lot, she's dealing with her health on her own up in Indiana, and hope she can get to an even health so that she can come down and visit us when she's better.
End of the day, this is my life, I have been quite brave to move all over the United States since 2001 embarking on never ending adventures that has helped me grow as a human. Many people never leave their comfortable life in their little towns, and yet I ventured out and created so many memories I can even imagine from Houston, Los Angeles, and back home in Indiana. I wanted things and had to go out and make them happen, sitting at home in your safe life will not amount to much if you dont reach out and make things happen for you. You only get ONE chance, so make the most out of it.
Who am I even preaching too? Why am I even writing this, I just feel like I have things to say, that's why I Facebook and Tweet nearly every voice in my head that comes out, because I have all these words buckled up in my mind and I need to find my voice again and find my muse to let the poetry poetically be released from within and find my voice to type blogs/journals to just say it.
I have things that may never change within me, but I have come a long way, and literally I have people who judge me and think I am "this" or "that" but when in reality, that's their problem to cast stones at me when I am the only who knows the adventures I have had, the truths within and the goals I really want to achieve yet in my young life.
Not the greatest health within but I hope with this new job I can take advantage of the insurance and find ways to FEEL better, and explore so many areas of Florida in the summer and fall, to go out and MAKE the memories because that's all we have, are memories.
Until next time...bookmark me, I may have more to say, VERY soon...
d.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Challenge
You challenge my mind
To wonder how I ever lived
Before you were in my life.
You challenge my eyes
To dare try to compare you
To be beauties of the world.
You challenge my hands
To touch things
That are not a part of you.
You challenge my lungs
To grasp to air another moment
Without you here to share.
You challenge my heart
To remember how to beat
When you aren’t around to love me.
You challenge my soul.
To work to become
Everything I want to be for you.
You challenge me to love
Every moment I spend
On earth with you.
To wonder how I ever lived
Before you were in my life.
You challenge my eyes
To dare try to compare you
To be beauties of the world.
You challenge my hands
To touch things
That are not a part of you.
You challenge my lungs
To grasp to air another moment
Without you here to share.
You challenge my heart
To remember how to beat
When you aren’t around to love me.
You challenge my soul.
To work to become
Everything I want to be for you.
You challenge me to love
Every moment I spend
On earth with you.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Held
by Douglas
Lying here alone in this bed
I turn over to see the darkness
For which lies next to me each night
Where you should be looking back at me
I know you are wanting to be here too
Yet you are apparently still so far away
My heart longs ever so long just to be
Held in your arms
Held in your embrace
Held within your soul
just held.
The spot that is reserved for you awaits you
Along with my eyes that long to meet yours
No words needed when you feel what I feel
Just a look that I need to give for you to know
I know you are near me and in spirit as well
Yet you have yet to make your move to find me
Dont waste too much time as life is short
Set forth your energy to find me cause I want to be
Held in your charms
Held in your fingertips
Held within your spirit
just held
i'm waiting for you to reach out
hold me
Lying here alone in this bed
I turn over to see the darkness
For which lies next to me each night
Where you should be looking back at me
I know you are wanting to be here too
Yet you are apparently still so far away
My heart longs ever so long just to be
Held in your arms
Held in your embrace
Held within your soul
just held.
The spot that is reserved for you awaits you
Along with my eyes that long to meet yours
No words needed when you feel what I feel
Just a look that I need to give for you to know
I know you are near me and in spirit as well
Yet you have yet to make your move to find me
Dont waste too much time as life is short
Set forth your energy to find me cause I want to be
Held in your charms
Held in your fingertips
Held within your spirit
just held
i'm waiting for you to reach out
hold me
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
No More
No more self sabotage.
No more darkness.
No more putting self down.
No more putting things off.
No more swimming in negativity.
No more claiming the victim role.
No more bad thoughts.
No more fears.
No more worries.
No more running.
Stop.
Pause.
Think.
Move on.
Forward.
Period.
No more darkness.
No more putting self down.
No more putting things off.
No more swimming in negativity.
No more claiming the victim role.
No more bad thoughts.
No more fears.
No more worries.
No more running.
Stop.
Pause.
Think.
Move on.
Forward.
Period.
It Was You
Lying here with you, never expected it to ever come true
You whisked into my life when I needed you so ever so
Turned my life inside out to reveal the inner love within
Each passing day has brought more light to my darkness
Revealing that in fact that my time has come to love again
You've reminded me that I can love again
You've reminded me that I can be loved again
You've reminded me that I can be somebody's somebody
It was you I've been waiting for
All the work has paid off for this amazing adventure set ahead
Patience has taught me that you were the reward for my struggles
You've now seen my tears, my pain and yet you stand by me daily
Our future together has yet to be determined but will be endless love
You've accepted me for who I am
You've created the possibilities
You've helped me in ways thought inpossible
It was you I've been waiting for
I had given up on any chance of a real connection ever being made
Yet you enter my world putting a spell on me to wake me up inside
The fire is burning, the candles are lit, the engine is revving
Now we must carry this on for the rest of our lives
You are everything I've ever wanted
You are everything I've ever desired
You are everything
It was you I've been waiting for
d.
(2011)
You whisked into my life when I needed you so ever so
Turned my life inside out to reveal the inner love within
Each passing day has brought more light to my darkness
Revealing that in fact that my time has come to love again
You've reminded me that I can love again
You've reminded me that I can be loved again
You've reminded me that I can be somebody's somebody
It was you I've been waiting for
All the work has paid off for this amazing adventure set ahead
Patience has taught me that you were the reward for my struggles
You've now seen my tears, my pain and yet you stand by me daily
Our future together has yet to be determined but will be endless love
You've accepted me for who I am
You've created the possibilities
You've helped me in ways thought inpossible
It was you I've been waiting for
I had given up on any chance of a real connection ever being made
Yet you enter my world putting a spell on me to wake me up inside
The fire is burning, the candles are lit, the engine is revving
Now we must carry this on for the rest of our lives
You are everything I've ever wanted
You are everything I've ever desired
You are everything
It was you I've been waiting for
d.
(2011)
Friday, July 16, 2010
2010: The Year of the Concerts!
This year has been full of unexpected concerts, more this year so far than any year in my music loving life. In February, I was able to fly out to California for Adam Lambert's big "one night only" (pre-Glam Nation summer tour) concert at Fantasy Springs (blog below about that event) and was the most amazing weekend ever meeting so many fans, invited to VIP with the band, and seeing Adam for first time since Idol concert last fall.
I then invited Cassidy Haley to Indianapolis to perform for a small intimate crowd for an amazing evening (blog below)...
Then as we prepare for Adam to finally start his tour, I took mom and I to see Chelsea Handler in Chicago and The Comedians of Chelsea Latley in Indianapolis...
...then Michael Buble in Indianapolis in May....
...then took us to see Adam Lambert in Hammond, IN (full story below - FRONT ROW!) (met quite a few OMRG! fans)
...and now got a summer line up of even more shows...
In August, I will be seeing Adam Lambert in St. Louis, MO on 8/8 with mom and meeting Sally (again) from OMRG! and then in Indianapolis on 8/31...with Pat from OMRG!
Then in September going to see Maroon 5/One Republic in Indianapolis - FRONT ROW! (9/1) - going alone!
Then Adam Lambert in Peoria, IL on 9/5 for my final show of The Glam Nation Tour (with Rebecca from OMRG!)
Then Clay Aiken back up in Hammond, IN. (free tickets due to casino seating issue with mom at Adam's concert)
I am thankful to have these experiences this summer and with the fall/winter ahead, who knows who I will be able to sneak in then.
I love my music...it's what heals me!
d
I then invited Cassidy Haley to Indianapolis to perform for a small intimate crowd for an amazing evening (blog below)...
Then as we prepare for Adam to finally start his tour, I took mom and I to see Chelsea Handler in Chicago and The Comedians of Chelsea Latley in Indianapolis...
...then Michael Buble in Indianapolis in May....
...then took us to see Adam Lambert in Hammond, IN (full story below - FRONT ROW!) (met quite a few OMRG! fans)
...and now got a summer line up of even more shows...
In August, I will be seeing Adam Lambert in St. Louis, MO on 8/8 with mom and meeting Sally (again) from OMRG! and then in Indianapolis on 8/31...with Pat from OMRG!
Then in September going to see Maroon 5/One Republic in Indianapolis - FRONT ROW! (9/1) - going alone!
Then Adam Lambert in Peoria, IL on 9/5 for my final show of The Glam Nation Tour (with Rebecca from OMRG!)
Then Clay Aiken back up in Hammond, IN. (free tickets due to casino seating issue with mom at Adam's concert)
I am thankful to have these experiences this summer and with the fall/winter ahead, who knows who I will be able to sneak in then.
I love my music...it's what heals me!
d
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Can You Feel Me?
lying here in my bed all alone
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
no words need to be spoken
as i finally am feeling unbroken
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've waited oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
no words need to be spoken
as i finally am feeling unbroken
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've waited oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fears of the Unknown
It's been almost two weeks since I gained custody of my son; and honestly I never been so nervous, overwhelmed and scared in my life. I am so nervous all the time making sure he's okay, that he's adjusting, I am scattering around looking for a day job so I can set a schedule for me to be here for him; looking for us a place to move into within the next month before July 1; trying to accomodate his time with his mom and yet set boundaries; my stomach is upset a lot cause I want to do the best for us; and I worry about his schooling (and lack of) and his future while he goes to 9th grade next year; or whether he should retake 8th grade over due to the absences, my mind is always fluttering; and inside I am crying because I want to prove to self and him that I can give him the best future for the next four to five years. I am not really depressed, but just overwhelmed. I have not set any rules or chores, really, as I am letting him just adjust to being in our home here; yet once we move, there will be more concrete rules; chores, curfew, etc. I worry that I wont be able to find a day job, full time to be here at night for him; I am currently on leave from work, but when I return, I can only work weekends, because there are no day shifts at my employment, and I can't work nights this soon with Chase being new in my home. I guess it's the parenting shock and the worry to do what's right continues on. I will be okay, it's just that now I worry about him more than ever since now I am his direct parenting link on a full time basis. I dont worry about my life or personal affairs, as it's all about him. He's with his mom right now for the weekend, and he has six school days left; I am so proud of him for going to school everyday for the last month and very proud of him with him slowly adjusting to living with me. I will be a lot happier when we get a 2 bedroom so that he can have his own space in his own bedroom; for privacy and freedoms as well. I love Chase so much, and have wanted to be a full time father; but when we both are thrown together, it's an adjustment for all of us; I just want to succeed and I know once I get a better job, get us moved, and get a schedule set for him, that I will feel a lot more relief and can breathe; right now I just worry; and worrying is not doing anyone any good now is it? No. Well this probably doesn't make any sense to the reader, but I had to write something to sort out the mixed emotions that are bottled up inside; what I need is a good cry, but can't seem to find that chord to be stricken yet.
Until next time...
d.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Being a Father
As my readers know, a lot is going down with my son, his schooling, upcoming probation (again), his mother and the custody issue. I have been so stressed and depressed regarding this, and even if I put into words about how I feel, I cant even begin to find the right amount of adjectives, facts and written words to explore my inner self right now. For some time now, like a decade, I been wanting to write an autobiography about my life. I have been through so much triumph, tragedy and struggle, that I feel my stories of my life could help others but for whatever reasons (lazy, lack of concentration, memory, writer's block, depression) I have yet to begin it. No, that's a lie, I have started Chapter 1 so many times in the last decade but then lose focus and move on to some other life struggle or chapter of reality.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Redirection
Well, wow, what can I say, OMRG! has almost hit the six month anniversary, and I never imagined the doors it would open with it's creation and now with new doors opening, I look forward to the future of a new chapter yet again of my life as I plan to move back to Los Angeles this summer.
I have already started to do the pre-planning for my return to Los Angeles, but this time being a more thought out and well planned execution than the previous time of when I lived there in 2004-2008. With these new avenues opening for me, and more to be created, I am hoping my mind, body and soul can free me to live out these opportunities and create the new ones that have yet to be developed. My goal is to move back to the city of angels on July 1 after my lease is up, later if need be as my rent will be month to month at that time, and begin the crusade of my passion.
Who knows where this yellow brick road will take me, but I do know that I want the gang to follow me where I go, because I care about each of you, and the fact that you are here, is why I am going after my dreams, and bring you along for what could be an amazing ride.
Stay tuned for updates!
I have already started to do the pre-planning for my return to Los Angeles, but this time being a more thought out and well planned execution than the previous time of when I lived there in 2004-2008. With these new avenues opening for me, and more to be created, I am hoping my mind, body and soul can free me to live out these opportunities and create the new ones that have yet to be developed. My goal is to move back to the city of angels on July 1 after my lease is up, later if need be as my rent will be month to month at that time, and begin the crusade of my passion.
Who knows where this yellow brick road will take me, but I do know that I want the gang to follow me where I go, because I care about each of you, and the fact that you are here, is why I am going after my dreams, and bring you along for what could be an amazing ride.
Stay tuned for updates!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Finally, my "dream" car...
After I turned 16, I said to my dad, "I want a Miata" - and he laughed and I got a Chevette, which I loved til it died. Now fast forward 19 years, and I got one. It's a 1991 Mazda Miata MX-5 - OMG, it's so beautiful, excellent condition, very low miles for it's age, runs smooth as can be, and it's CONVERTIBLE, again, something I never thought I'd have. I look forward to many road trips and enjoying the upcoming weather in this new baby of mine...
d.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
OMRG! - Fantasy Springs Wrap Up
Wow.
Many of you know now that I was blessed to be part of the Adam's concert in Indio this last weekend, and I streamed live from as many places as possible at Fantasy Springs and my hotel to bring you guys as close to the party as possible. I bought an Ultra HD Flip Camera and documented my trip from getting on the airplane to arriving home yesterday morning, and plan on making a video compilation of the full events that I recorded for everyone in due time. I did post some exciting videos as I got to interview with Monte and LP. However, when I watched all my footage today, the video with Tommy was NOT recorded, and it was amazing footage just like the ones with LP and Monte. I must have been so overwhelmed (as any of you would be) and hit record twice and it turned it off, only to record the inside of my bag for 10 minutes. I am very upset about that, because it was epic. However, the picture of Tommy and I was uploaded moments after it happened, and it hit the net so fast I was on every major blog and fansite, which was amazing to hear and get all the links to see it. Our pictures of LP, Monte and Tommy were spread like wild fire so fast, amazing. I don't care about credit, but just know they are amazing photos and so blessed to have been in right place at right time. I added a handful of videos to the videos link at top of my trip already as a sneak peak of some of it, and will put together a nice "rock-umentary" when i get time. After meeting the band, and exploring the Fantasy Springs resort, I was able to meet some amazing fans from here on OMRG! and new fans. I did not realize how "popular" my site was or people who said "Oh you are Doug" or "Oh you are OMRG!" - wearing the shirt was GOLD for us here, as I was literally stopped every few minutes by fans of Adam, or fans who were already members here, and asking me about my shirt, where can I buy one (link is on main page at bottom), who I was, did i work for Adam, was I with press, etc. No ego at all, just took in all the energy from the passion of the fans. It was amazing, and as a writer, I am still so tired so I can't put it into words exactly how the entire event meant to me, still now as I sit here. I will be making a video conclusion to the trip when I make the film for the fans that is deep and emotional ending to the epic adventure.
I had no expectations other than meeting people from reunion, the site and seeing Adam perform. Never in a million years would I imagine being able to meet/video/interview the band, be 1 foot from Adam as he was coming off elevator (footage in videos here) and later being invited by Monte and LP to the VIP section of the 12th floor lounge. When you see the video of me meeting Monte (for the second time) he says something that you need to keep in mind as I can talk about it yet, but you will find out in time, I promise. LP and his fiancee, Joan, were amazing, so friendly. I met Leila, Adam's mother, and father Eber as well. I interviewed Isabelle, the oldest fan who was able to come to the resort to see Adam, whom she got to meet as well.
Speaking of the VIP party, only five of us were allowed in there, there was body guard/security and they wouldn't let me film, but Monte did take the camera and film for a while, but it's so dark, I have yet to listen to it, but will add it to the video footage once completed. He was beyond amazing. I told him that I have a link and section dedicated to him on my site and that I promote the whole band along with Adam. Watch the "meeting monte" video...all I can say for now. And Monte, what the hell drink was that you gave me? I was fu*ked up on that last one. I was able to get Sara, a fellow friend and OMRG! fan into the VIP at the end, and she got to meet/mingle with Monte as well. Overwhelming. I had no clue. I was not star struck, I handled myself well, I still can't believe it.
And that wasn't even the concert...lol
I was able to get even closer seats due to a fellow OMRG! member who's husband was unable to make it. So I filmed the full concert by videoing the jumbo screen and I tried to just focus my eye on Adam the whole time, the HD cam I used got great audio, but video was not important to me as I wanted my OWN memories in my head.
Adam was brilliant, epic proportions and hit a core within me on an emotional level. Again, nobody in the history of entertainment, has ever taken me to "this" place. Adam saved my life by restoring my faith in myself last year when I was at a very dark place. While I was at PS airport waiting to go home, I was streaming live and talking as I was as much as I could with the fans, and I broke down in tears and cried. I couldn't contain myself, because even now with writing this, I have no way to describe the weekend to you for you to "feel" what I felt. I am blessed and so grateful for Adam, his band and the energy from the fans.
During the Glamily Reunion, I was stopped a million times, which I loved, but I talked so much in ONE day, my throat was and still is so raw, and from screaming at concert. Out of the 20 prizes, I was one of 600 fans who got something, and I won a poster from the Adam advertisement for his performance. Stoked!
They played some FYE songs and fans danced in the middle of dance floor and I was the only guy and all my "fans" and ladies were around me dancing, and it was just so magical. Adam has brought together an amazing group of fans, family and glam to all of us, and it was felt within all of us. I have video of the glamily party as well to share.
A fellow fan insisted on putting guyliner on me, so I let her, someone filmed it (video posted) - and now people say I should wear it to really bring out my eyes even more. Ugh oh. LOL. I already have the beautiful tattoo (on my profile pic).
I met so many people, I can't remember everyone's names or faces, new members, current members of the OMRG site. I want to say a few thank you's right off bat to Linda E., Rosemary, Victoria, Bekky, Jennifer F., Katie, Sara, and Dee (whom was not getting to go until I hooked her up with someone with tickets to both concert and reunion)
To those of you who I met, I am sorry I dont remember you name, but I love you ALL, you are my family, you are my energy, you are my spirits...and at the end of the day it's all for your entertainment...
...and mine too!
Stay tuned for "Oh My Rock-umentary" - COMING SOON! - If it turns out good, I will burn dvds of it for the fans, but let me see if I can put together something special, but for now check out the video section for all the latest videos I posted.
Love you all so much.
PS: Our site doubled more than half, with going from 550 to 1250 members in 2 days. That is amazing. The Power of Adam. The Power of Glam. The Power of Love.
Until next time...
OMRG! (Doug)
UPDATE:
Oh
My
Rock
God!
A fellow fan here, Debbie M., has sent me this limited edition pendant that was created and embedded with Adam's signature last year, they retailed for $150, and she is sending me one tomorrow as a special gift. I am in shock, and literally tears. Thank you so much to the most amazing "fans" one can have. I will take pictures of me with mine when I get it. Much love to ALL of you. Wow. Lady Gaga sings it best, "speechless"....I should be getting in the mail in a day or so, so stoked. I also have a fan sending me Dior Homme cologne as well, which is a true blessing to have such amazing fans of the site, bottom line, it's The Power of Adam...
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Want My Life Back
selfishness is a way of life, we all have our reasons
for what we want, for what we have, for what we don't have
what does one do when you want something but your heart doesn't agree
how can you make yet another decision that will impact the people you love
life is not fair, nor is it supposed to be, yet we only get one chance
i feel like i am at a crossroad all alone lost in which direction to take
should i stay, should i go, shall i dream big, or let the nightmare within continue
why must my compass always be broken never pointing in the right direction
i am where i am today because of the choice to come here and achieve a goal
yet i am not happy, the level i am at now is low, sad, tears stream down cheek daily
happiness can be found in many different levels for i have felt them over the years
but sadness is like dying of a slow death, no matter where i try to stem the energy
i still feel all alone and now more than ever i feel useless in this shell i reside
what is my purpose now, why am i all alone, what is my motivation now
i am dying slowly within once again, the compass points in one direction
and that is out from where i am at now, but where do i go now, where is my home
my role for which i have to be is not fulfilling as i am just a body on a couch
i want so much more than what i am doing now, i want my life back, i miss LIFE
being young still allows me the ability to achieve even more goals than i have before
the mojo has been lost in the last year, the dreams, the energy, the light...
all has faded into a cloud of dust and it's time to find that motivation again
whatever i decide, does not change who i love, but this location drowns me
always grasping for anything possible to pull me up so i can breathe
destiny, fate, "meant to be" is all just a mirage of the reality that i am not there
in retrospect of reading my poetry from the last few years i see something deep
something more than my current capabilities are even reaching while just sitting here
someone give me a lighter, ignite my fire, flame the highest flame for which i am
nobody should have to just sit by and wait for something to happen, good or bad
i feel i am wasting away day in an day out, and am getting older each day
am only at the start of my journey i started years ago, but on pause this last year
so many ideas, so many hopes, so much change i want to be a part of, yet nothing
i answer to no one, and no matter what i do will never please those around me
whether i stay home and be a hermit or go out and conquer the next chapter of my life
someone, somewhere, here or there, will have me feel guilty for my decisions
i live for me and i live for my son, but for me i am not "living" and it's my time
selfish or not, i want my life back.
d.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Is There Really Somebody for Everyone
a lot of people have had their first loves
some of them have never even had a chance
they say that there is someone for everyone
i tend to think that is not true anymore
sending light and love out in the universe
only to get nothing back in return so far
with so much that i can give to someone
you'd think that someone would come this way
i put up the walls for so long but they are crumbling
wishing that some energy would whisk by taking me
in my heart i feel that i will be alone forever
even with the twinkle of hope that destiny has someone for me
i've gotten strong over the last few years, claiming i am fine
when in reality i've never felt so alone in my life
isolated self to my caged home looking for the key
but why bother anymore looking for a key
i am turning more into the bitter old man that i made fun of
the community for which i am a part of is filled with disgust
embarassed to even be a label for which i feel i even am not
so tell me is there really someone out there for everyone
because in my mind, i can't see me ever happy with someone
and this world for which i am in now is full of sadness
i dont need a fucking medication to force me to feel otherwise
it is the reality that i am alone and sick of it
i am human, i have desires, wishes, dreams, but that is all they are
false visualations of the reality that there isn't someone for everyone
it is all game in the world of love or lack thereof
nobody is good enough to just be themselves and accept others for flaws and all
to be "perfect" is only way to really make it right, beauty, no brains
well i say fuck that because i will remain alone as i wont conform
to be anything more than what i am now, which is a good human with a soul
not playing the victim card anymore, just my eyes see and my heart feels
the truth
the pain
the sadness
did i make my point, no
will i, no
just words written
nothing can express how i truly feel inside
i am from another planet
i am from another world
i am from another galaxy
i am from another soul
because the way i feel inside, nobody out there can even remotely feel the same way
finding mister or miss right is not even in the picture
none of this "the time will come when you least expect it"
along with all the other words of wisdom "they" say...
the simplicity of my writing is this
i just want to love and be loved in return
accepted for me
simple?
apparently not.
d.
some of them have never even had a chance
they say that there is someone for everyone
i tend to think that is not true anymore
sending light and love out in the universe
only to get nothing back in return so far
with so much that i can give to someone
you'd think that someone would come this way
i put up the walls for so long but they are crumbling
wishing that some energy would whisk by taking me
in my heart i feel that i will be alone forever
even with the twinkle of hope that destiny has someone for me
i've gotten strong over the last few years, claiming i am fine
when in reality i've never felt so alone in my life
isolated self to my caged home looking for the key
but why bother anymore looking for a key
i am turning more into the bitter old man that i made fun of
the community for which i am a part of is filled with disgust
embarassed to even be a label for which i feel i even am not
so tell me is there really someone out there for everyone
because in my mind, i can't see me ever happy with someone
and this world for which i am in now is full of sadness
i dont need a fucking medication to force me to feel otherwise
it is the reality that i am alone and sick of it
i am human, i have desires, wishes, dreams, but that is all they are
false visualations of the reality that there isn't someone for everyone
it is all game in the world of love or lack thereof
nobody is good enough to just be themselves and accept others for flaws and all
to be "perfect" is only way to really make it right, beauty, no brains
well i say fuck that because i will remain alone as i wont conform
to be anything more than what i am now, which is a good human with a soul
not playing the victim card anymore, just my eyes see and my heart feels
the truth
the pain
the sadness
did i make my point, no
will i, no
just words written
nothing can express how i truly feel inside
i am from another planet
i am from another world
i am from another galaxy
i am from another soul
because the way i feel inside, nobody out there can even remotely feel the same way
finding mister or miss right is not even in the picture
none of this "the time will come when you least expect it"
along with all the other words of wisdom "they" say...
the simplicity of my writing is this
i just want to love and be loved in return
accepted for me
simple?
apparently not.
d.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Be A Man
What's so hard to just look within your heart and you soul to find yourself
You have to experience some real self-reflecting times in order to say bye
Close off that world you thought existed when reality is that this is it
The way I feel for you can never be described in words that come across me
Clear your mind of all what you think it should be like and enjoy the time
Even for a while just give yourself to me and forget the world around us
For once in your life be a man and give yourself to someone else now
No more being selfish and stereotypical when there is so much you are missing out on
And you know I will be there waiting for you when you take that step forth
Hold on we can make it together if you are willing to give it a try, please try
Just call my name and I will be right there but I wont wait forever so be a man
Be a man, live your life for yourself, quit trying to please everyone else
Do what feels right within, the exterior rarely completes a set of lovers
The heart is deepened with layers of experiences and memories you can't imagine
Just know that I am right here watching you turn into the man you should be
The man who hides deep within the community that has turned him into this monster
Just be the man you are and let the light shine bright and welcome change and love
Then you can return to love someone fully instead of loving thyself more
Don't be sad now, just being honest with you cause the truth is heartfelt
I have been in your shoes, got sick and tired of being sick and tired of men
We live in a world where men don't listen, nor care, so I had to float away from it
No warning labels no more must you wear when you live the life you want to
Be a man, my friend, and you will find a light that burns your soul alive
Just be a man for the first time in your life...
d.
Left Outside Alone
It may be cold outside tonight during this snowy winter
I am heated inside knowing that you are waiting for me
Now I can say I know what it feels like to be left outside alone
It's cold out here, but I am warming up now knowing your there
All my life I have been waiting for a heater like you to embrace me
The cold is there but the comfort is there knowing you are heating it up
Being left outside alone for so long reminded me of what I had missed out on
Now inside I am warming up to the knowledge that my heart is becoming unfrozen
You exist I feel it, why did I shut myself out here all alone for so long
The presence of your soul is getting close as the heat is turning up hotter
I start to shake it off and look around, seeing you in the distance
I am no longer outside left all alone that you are here, you said you come
Baby you should realize that I waited a long time out here in the cold
For someone like you to step my direction and now I am all thawed out awaiting
What are you waiting for now, I am right here in front of you now, hold me
Never let me go and never leave me to be left ouside alone again
Every season will be comfortable now that you are in my world
You must have been sent from up above because I have prayed for this day
and now I know what it's like to be part of the fairy tale with meaning...
d.
I am heated inside knowing that you are waiting for me
Now I can say I know what it feels like to be left outside alone
It's cold out here, but I am warming up now knowing your there
All my life I have been waiting for a heater like you to embrace me
The cold is there but the comfort is there knowing you are heating it up
Being left outside alone for so long reminded me of what I had missed out on
Now inside I am warming up to the knowledge that my heart is becoming unfrozen
You exist I feel it, why did I shut myself out here all alone for so long
The presence of your soul is getting close as the heat is turning up hotter
I start to shake it off and look around, seeing you in the distance
I am no longer outside left all alone that you are here, you said you come
Baby you should realize that I waited a long time out here in the cold
For someone like you to step my direction and now I am all thawed out awaiting
What are you waiting for now, I am right here in front of you now, hold me
Never let me go and never leave me to be left ouside alone again
Every season will be comfortable now that you are in my world
You must have been sent from up above because I have prayed for this day
and now I know what it's like to be part of the fairy tale with meaning...
d.
When I Close My Eyes
No matter where I go, I always feel you with me
Walking through each day that is given to me
Knowing you are there when the time comes
Where you are is something I have yet to uncover
Hearing your heartbeat through your chest I yearn for
When I close my eyes late at night, I see you
When I close my eyes late at night, I hear you
When I close my eyes late at night, I feel you
I have not met you yet, but you are out there
I have not heard you yet, but you are talking to me
I have not felt you yet, but you are holding me
I have dreamt of you for many years, but fear held me back
Now time has come to let you in, if only you could find me
Life is so short, so precious, so hard, be easier with you here
Carry me over the threshold of love within my heart, it's beating
Love me from afar, but hold me close tonight
Never give up, that feeling you have within
Is me reaching out to you, I am right here
Keep looking and you shall find all you've wanted
I been wanting you, I've dreamt you to life
You just have to keep heading down the path
and we shall run into each other in time
When I close my eyes, I know you are out there.
d.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Hips to Hips, Lips to Lips
On the exterior of club in line waiting
Hearing the massive bumping of the bass
within the inner walls of the music filled room
making my way thru the crowds to the bar
grabbin' my drink moving to the music
interior of the club filled with amazing energy
all alone tonight in the club, it's all i need
just music and the moment, bodies next to bodies
step up to the dancefloor, feeling the warmth
my body starts to take control of itself
losing myself into the music
people all around me i forget everything
sweat dripping down my face then
out of the corner of my eyes i see you
you caught my glance, i turned as if i didn't notice
i slowly move my way closer to you
diving into the ocean of energy between us
face to face we meet not even stopping for a moment
you pull me closer to you as the music takes over
the lights are erotically stimulating the dancefloor
chest to chest we merge with the crowd around us
the tug of war of the rhythm pulls us even closer
our hips begin to melt together in an ocean of motion
without even consciously thinking we go from
hip to hip, to lip to lip
tuggin' on your lips gently
deep piercing stares from our eyes
we take a dip, back to hip to hip
ending the dance with another lip to lip
i walk away thinking that could never get better than that
until you pulled me back to induldge the night away
as we continue to be hip to hip and lip to lip
music taking over our souls, as we become one
d.
Hearing the massive bumping of the bass
within the inner walls of the music filled room
making my way thru the crowds to the bar
grabbin' my drink moving to the music
interior of the club filled with amazing energy
all alone tonight in the club, it's all i need
just music and the moment, bodies next to bodies
step up to the dancefloor, feeling the warmth
my body starts to take control of itself
losing myself into the music
people all around me i forget everything
sweat dripping down my face then
out of the corner of my eyes i see you
you caught my glance, i turned as if i didn't notice
i slowly move my way closer to you
diving into the ocean of energy between us
face to face we meet not even stopping for a moment
you pull me closer to you as the music takes over
the lights are erotically stimulating the dancefloor
chest to chest we merge with the crowd around us
the tug of war of the rhythm pulls us even closer
our hips begin to melt together in an ocean of motion
without even consciously thinking we go from
hip to hip, to lip to lip
tuggin' on your lips gently
deep piercing stares from our eyes
we take a dip, back to hip to hip
ending the dance with another lip to lip
i walk away thinking that could never get better than that
until you pulled me back to induldge the night away
as we continue to be hip to hip and lip to lip
music taking over our souls, as we become one
d.
Under Cover(s)
Electric sparks frictionalized in the darkness
You've got me where you wanna have me dontcha
We can be lovers for play or for real, forever
In the heat of the night the passion ignites
Trust me I know what I am doing, it's not that
Not that kind of guy you should know by now
The lights go dim, seduction consumes the moment
You want it all but you can't because...
we are just two people under cover
you can take all your clothes off
but keep those bedroom eyes on me only
as i just want to be under the covers
You need to be put in check cause this is not going to happen
Exposing myself to you with my heart on my sleeve is happening
What goes on downstairs is never to even been an issue now is it
Heart to heart, chest to chest, face to face, lips to lips
Keep your mind on the prize, don't let the elevator go down
be careful that the repairman will cut the power if you do
we are just two people under cover
you are there, i am here, we can't have it all
i am not giving you what you want too bad
take me for me, accept me for who i am
the vessel to my heart is welcoming you in
don't ruin it as i just want to be under the covers
Old school romance is so outdated, it's time for it to resurface
Allow someone play hard to get but don't expect something for nothing
First base, second base, third base, no, this ain't no game
You want me you gotta have all of me for the bigger picture
as I am not a toy you can play with, if so, it's game over
Remember you get one chance in this life, so fight for it
we are just two people under cover
not knowing where the road will take us
we can be something so great if given the chance
but dont think i will not walk if you take a glance
i just want to be under the covers, holding you
waking up with you one day, knowing you are there
d.
Click
Confused pathways that we walk along takes us to unknown destinations
You think you are doing the right thing, only to fall flat on your face
One could get up and dust themselves off, repeating it all over again
A moment where you feel you are all gung ho feeling hyped about a result
Flashes before your eyes as the fireworks burst to remind you to back up
You try a different approach thinking that maybe that would get you there
Slam right into the wall this time, now you are pissed cause you dont understand
What are you doing wrong? Why do you keep doing this and not getting anywhere?
Humans are not born with a manual of life, so we write our own as we age
Time does pass, lessons are dealt, some learn, some dont, some try but
When will it all click for you that you realize it's been right in front of you
All this time you were too blind to see it as you chased yet another direction
The mirror you stand in front of now shows you the truth as you look deep within
It's right there in front of you, do you see it, put your hand out, welcome it
The moment will come when all of a sudden it just clicks, honestly feel stupid
This summer I had my moment where it all clicked as I had exhausted every angle
Now as my compass is now pointing in right direction, am regrouped going forward
The inner soul replenishes you with such great energy when you have that moment
Is it growing up? Is it God? Is it your conscious? Is it denial? What is it?
You will know when it happens because it hit me like the sky was falling
After staring up at the sky waiting for so long it's now in front of me
The tools are there now to utilize to put the pieces to the life long puzzle together
Look within. Give in to yourself. Create yourself. Become selfless. Realize the truth
It will click.
d.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Allow Me
Don't cry my friend, it will all be okay now
I promise the hurt you feel now will fade in time
Nobody will cause you that kind of pain again ever
Listen to me as I mean what I say, if you allow me
Don't run away anymore as it will only exhaust you
When you end up at the finish line the problems still hover
You must face your demons, fight them, demolish them
I shall draw my weapons to help, if you allow me
Don't pretend that you can't love again
There is someone special out there waiting for you
Make yourself known, stand tall feeling confident
He could be right in front of you, if you allow me
Don't turn your head away as I lean in to kiss you
No need to be afraid anymore, nobody will love you like this
Drop all your worries at the door, locking them away
Invite me in, I am not like the rest, if you allow me.
d.
I promise the hurt you feel now will fade in time
Nobody will cause you that kind of pain again ever
Listen to me as I mean what I say, if you allow me
Don't run away anymore as it will only exhaust you
When you end up at the finish line the problems still hover
You must face your demons, fight them, demolish them
I shall draw my weapons to help, if you allow me
Don't pretend that you can't love again
There is someone special out there waiting for you
Make yourself known, stand tall feeling confident
He could be right in front of you, if you allow me
Don't turn your head away as I lean in to kiss you
No need to be afraid anymore, nobody will love you like this
Drop all your worries at the door, locking them away
Invite me in, I am not like the rest, if you allow me.
d.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
One Way Love
This masquerade is getting old don't you think
The curtain has fallen as your show is over
Tickets have sold out as you continue to drift away
The crowd has swallowed you whole as you have wandered
One way love is no way to live in this world
So many people thrive to find someone to love them
We grasp at any and all hopes to be loved in return
Yet you think you have it all but you are not even here
The award goes to you as the best actor in this relationship
Seeing you with another guy just opens my eyes to the true reality
I was being taken for granted and I was the fool to believe you
Your bags are packed, how was I to know the story would end like this
One way love is no way to live in this world
Humans have desires and my desires were not in the same league as yours
You had many chances to come to me and be honest as I would have to you
Yet you chose to find a new chapter without even writing out this one
Saying goodbye will be easy now that I see how fast you change
No hope for those who do not want to try and make it in a world so hard
You will see that I can go on without you, no need for tears, am stronger
I don't need a man by my side to make it in this world, am tougher than that
One way love is no way to live in this world
My faith in love has not been destroyed, but my faith in you is gone
I will find my way to a new home, somehow I will be loved in return
All by myself is all I need at this time, so go, time for you to go
Nobody can take my spirit, my soul, my inner love from me
I am my own, I am a survivor and will keep on fighting
because one way love is no way to live in this world.
d.
The curtain has fallen as your show is over
Tickets have sold out as you continue to drift away
The crowd has swallowed you whole as you have wandered
One way love is no way to live in this world
So many people thrive to find someone to love them
We grasp at any and all hopes to be loved in return
Yet you think you have it all but you are not even here
The award goes to you as the best actor in this relationship
Seeing you with another guy just opens my eyes to the true reality
I was being taken for granted and I was the fool to believe you
Your bags are packed, how was I to know the story would end like this
One way love is no way to live in this world
Humans have desires and my desires were not in the same league as yours
You had many chances to come to me and be honest as I would have to you
Yet you chose to find a new chapter without even writing out this one
Saying goodbye will be easy now that I see how fast you change
No hope for those who do not want to try and make it in a world so hard
You will see that I can go on without you, no need for tears, am stronger
I don't need a man by my side to make it in this world, am tougher than that
One way love is no way to live in this world
My faith in love has not been destroyed, but my faith in you is gone
I will find my way to a new home, somehow I will be loved in return
All by myself is all I need at this time, so go, time for you to go
Nobody can take my spirit, my soul, my inner love from me
I am my own, I am a survivor and will keep on fighting
because one way love is no way to live in this world.
d.
Knee Deep In Trouble
Help me as I have fallen down
Mistakes I continue to make
Where’s the smile, always a frown
Just don’t want to make another mistake
I feel like I am in knee deep in trouble
Always swimming towards the sea
Can’t get air from my ever popping bubble
I am always so exhausted can't breathe
SOS can you please help me out now
I am crying for your help but do you hear me
Don’t want this to be my last and final bow
I am better than this and just want to be free
But
I am always in knee deep in trouble
Always torturing myself with all this shit
Shovel my way out of all this rubble
To see the light again would prevent a fit
Until then I am in knee deep in trouble
No wonder you wont come around
You know that I burn all my bridges
Lost and hoping you know I can be found
Always falling over board on the ridges
(circa 2005)
Mistakes I continue to make
Where’s the smile, always a frown
Just don’t want to make another mistake
I feel like I am in knee deep in trouble
Always swimming towards the sea
Can’t get air from my ever popping bubble
I am always so exhausted can't breathe
SOS can you please help me out now
I am crying for your help but do you hear me
Don’t want this to be my last and final bow
I am better than this and just want to be free
But
I am always in knee deep in trouble
Always torturing myself with all this shit
Shovel my way out of all this rubble
To see the light again would prevent a fit
Until then I am in knee deep in trouble
No wonder you wont come around
You know that I burn all my bridges
Lost and hoping you know I can be found
Always falling over board on the ridges
(circa 2005)
Ever
Ever been struck
In the head
In the heart
In the moment
In the gut
Ever been on top of the world
Then bottom of the barrel
Swerve to the right
To the left
Up
Back down
The rollercoaster continues
Ever had a
Bad day
Bad week
Bad month
Bad life
Ever think you had it all
Then lose it all in a moment
Love
Romance
Job
Family
Security
Insurance
Ever do something wrong
In the past, in the present
Then things are taken from you
When you really want them the most
Ever sense that
The light is coming
The road is shorter
The smile at the end
turns to darkness
Why must we be punished?
Why must we be labeled?
Why must we be in pain?
Why must we be alone?
Why must we be fighting?
One day
Someday
Soon
The light will be seen
Just wait and see
Mark my words.
d.
The Best Thing About Me Is You
A lot of people take life for granted
I have been known to do it myself
Life just passes us by each day
Never knowing where tomorrow takes you
Some of us are blessed
Some of us get lucky
Some of us are happy
Some of us are chosen
You came into my life so unexpected
You were dreamed of for so many years
I never thought in a million years you’d come
You are here now and no turning back
I have been given a chance to redeem myself
In your eyes and inside your heart
You have been the reason I have fought so hard
And you have now arrived in my life again
As you enter your own teenage years
No one wrote the book on parenthood for us
Especially when you don’t have a role model
I try to create ways in order to bring peace
And educate you to have a wide path ahead
I've loved you from miles away and up close
One day I hope to see you understand
Why I made the decisions I did whether good or bad
Life's about learning, regrouping and moving forward
No one is perfect, I am a prime example
Yet I am trying to filter through the choices
To find the answer to land us on even ground
You are the motivation that drives me to be
In the years that have passed and to follow
You will look back and see I was trying
If you ever are in my shoes down the road
Remember that it’s not easy and know
The best thing about me is you!
d.
Chasing Dreams
Keep in my mind all my life
I have been searching
For something so pure
So real
So perfect
Boy have I been around the block
In every way possible
I have had every job
I have tried to love every man
I have lived all over
What is it that I am looking for?
What is it that I yearn to hold?
Time has passed me by so long
Why am I not happy yet?
I’ve been chasing dreams
Exhausted from the many travels
I am full of silent screams
Sore from the yelling at the world
But I will not stop chasing dreams
Now I have grown this year
More than any time in my life
I see things so differently now
Focusing on others than me
Bridges broken
Bridges burned
Where do I find the tools to rebuild?
Where is the strength to love again?
Should I trust you?
Should I trust myself?
Will I let go of the inner demons
Will I let someone in again?
No matter what I will be chasing dreams
Running, walking, driving
I will find what my dream really is
Turning, twisting, tumbling
I will continue to succeed in chasing dreams
Beautiful Soul
Beautiful smile
Beautiful energy
Beautiful self
Beautiful soul
My eyes lit up today when you walked towards me
My heart raced as we walked closer to each other
My palms dripping with fear and anxiety
My arms reached out to you
The grip of your hug tranquilized me
The firmness of your hold took me back
The smell of your skin took me there again
The feel of your lips on my neck as we hugged
Tears welled up in my eyes
Sweat dripping down my body
Fear overcame my entire soul
Knowing I had let you go
My life was a mess
My purpose was lost
Yet I found my way
I am too late
You found another man
You have a better plan
I will never again be with you
I know now that we are over
I will never get over you
As you have gotten over me
I had to take this path to grow
But you didn’t wait for me
I put you on a pedestal
I always looked up to you
For you I owe my change
For you I want us again
I will always be here for you
I will wait forever if I have to
I know I belong to you
You complete me, beautiful soul
(circa 2006)
The Village of the Surrending
Falling down the endless tunnel
Slapping against the realities of life
Painful injections of a daily life gone wrong
Hitting my head against the wall of doom
Bruised hearts rain on my eternal soul
I am surrendering my self to you
I am surrendering my heart to you
I am surrendering my prayers to you
I am surrendering my freedoms to you
I have surrendered
Incomplete pathways are in my future visions
Getting lost within the realms of the ride
Out of my mind until I find my permanent reason
All by myself in this journey of the unknown
Turning each page brings closure to one chapter
In this village that encompasses my breath
I can’t find my way out of this village
The sign points me in every direction
Losing my sense of direction
My sense of who I am
My sight to be free
I am surrendering my self to you
I am surrendering my heart to you
I am surrendering my prayers to you
I am surrendering my freedoms to you
I have surrendered
Knowing you will guide me
You have complete control now
Direct me into the light
The vessel awaits me
I am Lost no more
Unknown Territory
You found me
Right when I was lost
We have never met
Yet I feel I have known you
Forever
You fill my spirit up
Leaving me wanting more
Yearning for a closer bond
Yet I am the unknown
I am an unknown territory
Dare you to come explore
Take a chance
Even a second glance
I am an unknown territory
What will you be expecting
What will you think of me then?
You’re going to turn out to be like them
Typical men will lose out in the end
You want a perfect body?
You want the hottest guy?
You want fast cars?
You want it all?
With me you will receive more than that
A package of love
A passion for living
Sincerity, caring, passionate, seductive
family, security, love, sensuality,
randomness, sense of humor, laughter
Will you walk away from me?
Will you not give it a true chance?
Will I not be good enough?
Will I not get a chance to show you?
You warm me up
You keep me going
You help me smile
You bring laughter to my day
Yet I am unknown territory
d.
(yep, that pic is me!)
When I Cry?
When I cry do you feel it
Tears run down my cheek
Onto my pillow late at night
Vision suddenly blurred
When I cry do you know it
The thoughts the lead to tears
Runs like a movie in my head
There is no switch I can find yet
When I cry do you care
To know that I am dying inside
Yearning to be with you once again
Knowing that it’s a dead end road
When I cry can you hear me
The breath I hold to not let it out
Bound by the truths of the failures
Hanging by a thread to stay sane
When I cry can you hold me
Even though you are no longer here
I still envision you holding me tightly
Reminding me that I am safe now with you
When I cry can you understand
That it hurts to know that I am better now
But so lonely inside without you near
Loving you from afar lets the river run free
When I cry do you know it’s for you
Because I long for what we had before to return
That is irreparable, the bond is gone
You have a new life with no tissues for me
When I cry
I wipe them away
As you have wiped me away
When I cry
(circa 2006)
Tears run down my cheek
Onto my pillow late at night
Vision suddenly blurred
When I cry do you know it
The thoughts the lead to tears
Runs like a movie in my head
There is no switch I can find yet
When I cry do you care
To know that I am dying inside
Yearning to be with you once again
Knowing that it’s a dead end road
When I cry can you hear me
The breath I hold to not let it out
Bound by the truths of the failures
Hanging by a thread to stay sane
When I cry can you hold me
Even though you are no longer here
I still envision you holding me tightly
Reminding me that I am safe now with you
When I cry can you understand
That it hurts to know that I am better now
But so lonely inside without you near
Loving you from afar lets the river run free
When I cry do you know it’s for you
Because I long for what we had before to return
That is irreparable, the bond is gone
You have a new life with no tissues for me
When I cry
I wipe them away
As you have wiped me away
When I cry
(circa 2006)
How Do I?
How do I move on from a love I once had
How do I leave the refreshed feelings at the door?
How do I forget all the memories that we made
How do I go forward knowing I was wrong
How do I find peace with myself now?
How do I look at you in the face with pain?
How do I deal with you and a new man?
How do I recover the past and create a future
How do I talk to you and not want to kiss you
How do I express my sincere, heartfelt apologies?
How do I put one foot ahead of the other now
How do I love you now more than ever before?
How do I let myself into someone else’s heart?
How do I trust someone again completely like you?
How do I just be friends with you when my heart aches?
How do I know how long to wait until I hear you say no?
How do I appreciate what I have with you now?
How do I sit in bed and not cry for you every night
How do I just erase you from my heart and mind?
How do I hide my emotions inside when I want you so bad?
How do I keep my eyes from not tearing up when I see you?
How do I forgive myself for walking away without help?
How do I fight this overwhelming love that has surfaced?
How do I promise you that loving me now is different?
How do I tell you now that this is our last goodbye?
How do I send this to you now and not melt inside
How do I thank you for everything you have done?
How do I?
(circa 2005)
Undercover Lover
Seasons come and seasons go
Just as you have for so long
In with the wind and back out
Just another piece of your puzzle
You hide me from the world
No one knows I exist at all
I am just there for you whenever
A door mat I will no longer me
I don’t’ want to be your undercover lover
Someone who is by your side when you say ok
This is the not the position I want to be in
Spread my arms not my legs and I’ll fly away
Never do I want to be your undercover lover
You said I can never leave you
That I am yours for the taking
It’s you that doesn’t have a clue
It’s me that has done all the faking
Dictate, lie, abuse, push, and pull
Orders, slap, hit, no more fool
But to you I was just your undercover lover
Yes, I am running away from this evil role
You can’t stop me no longer will you hover
A new path is where I am heading is my goal
You can find a new undercover lover
(circa 2005)
Throw Away Your Past
Sometimes you need to do some self cleaning
Open up the window to your soul and beyond
Sift through the memories clouding your future
To release all the anger, guilt, pain and troubles
You are the one who is writing your future
But you got to throw out the past
Throw it out now before it consumes you
Unload the weights that have you drowning
I know for example how this can hurt you
I have held on to way too many memories
Even created memories to run from truths
Losing my internal strength from the consumption
Pealing back all the layers you will see
But until then you got to do this
Clean out the trash that has your in chains
And throw away your past
Unlock your emotions
Unlock your fears
Unlock your doubts
Unlock your guilt
Throw away your past
Nothing you can do about it now
Focus your energies on today
Who knows if there is a tomorrow
Because you can’t change yesterday
So throw away your past
d.
The Reason
An innocent child
A childhood still exploring
Expectations are rising
Changes are all around
Memories still to be made
Lessons still to be taught
I dont want to mess up
At this one chance I have
God gave me the strength
To give you all that I have
You are the reason that I love
You are the reason that I care
You are the reason that I breathe
You are the reason that I work
You are the reason that I live
The reason is you
I dont have the answers
I ask a lot of questions
I ask for the power from him
I feed off your energy
I will not always be the good guy
Yet you have to learn from me
Id give you everything I have
But you must learn to earn
Its not been easy these years
Youve seen a lot through those eyes
You are loved by oh so many
I wont give up even after a million tries
You are the reason that I try
You are the reason that I cry
You are the reason that I fight
You are the reason that I go
You are the reason that I do
The reason is you
(this was written for Chase, my son, in 2005, picture from March 2006)
Tears and Pain
I sit alone at night
Lying in my bed
Looking out my window
Yearning for something
Even for someone
My pillow is my best friend
It sees me at my worst
It feels the wetness of my tears
It feels the force of the pain
Tears and pain
Cheers and rain
Fears and sane
I am hurting now
I toss and turn
Waking up a lot
Seeing no one around
Again just alone
My heart has been yanked out
Bleeding to death into loneliness
Falling further away from reality
Realizing I am not going anywhere
Tears and pain
that is what I feel now
I cant stop crying
I cant stop dying
I cant stop lying
With these tears and pain
I pull back the curtains
I know it is not certain
But I know there is a ray of light
Awaiting me out there
(circa 10/05)
Reality Strikes
You come along talking all your talk
Saying how you own a home
Fast cars, beautiful things
Thinking that will impress me
But youre sadly wrong
Put yourself in my shoes for a change
I dont own my own home
I dont have a fast car
Or have beautiful things
But I am happier than that
See when the reality strikes
You will be the one who loses
Because money cant buy happiness
It wont buy my love
It wont buy what I have to offer
It wont buy my family
When reality strikes
You take me out
You dine me
You wine me
You charm me
You take me to the parking lot
You kiss me goodnight with passion
Then before I know it its been three weeks
No word from you
Looks like reality strikes
Didnt it?
You cant compete with someone less than you
Convenient how you say you are too busy all of a sudden
You think I will believe those lies
You are just another typical man
Thank you for the reminder
Now my reality strikes
(circa 11/05)
Be Free
Reflections bouncing off the walls
Back and forth, left and right
I cant see my own self image
Blinded by the light with no sight
Falling down the pebbled path
I get back up again and try forth
Trying to recapture my soul once lost
I will find my invaluable self worth
Standing on my own two feet someday
Is something I am working towards now
Dont know what tomorrow will bring me
Just trying to get through the day here
I have pushed myself down to the grown
Stepping on my own backbone until none
No positive attributes have I found within
But know they do exist but being held down
Bursting to get out of this emotional cage
The key is within an arms length from me
I look around and see nothing yet its there
To unlock this barrier is what I must do
I want to be free of the pain
I want to be free of the self torture
I want to be free of the self hatred
I want to be free of the lack of desire
I want to be free of the loneliness still
I want to be free of it all
Let me be free
(circa 2006)
Why Did You Love Me?
In my quest to answer some questions
I look into your eyes and ponder this
I see a face that seems so innocent
No clue who you really are inside
You came to me in the worst time in my life
You touched my heart
You surrendered yourself to me
You made me feel something never before
The mass confusion of the goals overcame me
I took advantage of a soul unknowingly
Something tells me to ask why did you love me
Within a month we started a cross country quest
Continuing to ride the rollercoaster
We never saw things on the same page
Yet you continued to ride along with me
So I continue to ask why did you love me
I was not happy yet I tried to make it magical
You gave up a fortune to get me my own
I can never give you back all that I owe you
Time, money, pain
but do know this I look up to you and thank you
I don't know what the real purpose of this was
but look at us now, we are moving on to a new path
What did you see in me? Let me know so I can find self value.
but in the mean time I continue to ask why did you love me
because I did love you
(circa 2006)
Frozen Stiff
I have so much anger inside
My body has been violated
The mind and heart collide
My eyes have been dilated
You try to touch me, I pause
I clench to the thought of it
Afraid that you will hurt me
You and I just aint going to fit
You see I am not like others
I am afraid of something deeper
Its like my body is paralyzed from touch
Afraid I am frozen
My mind
My body
My soul
All are frozen stiff
Afraid of you
Afraid of me
When will the leave me
Where will I be when you come
No one else can hurt me again
If I dont let them touch me
Am I making up excuses to avoid it all
The one thing I am supposed to enjoy
I run from the moment someone is near
Damn you for raping my mind
Damn you for raping my soul
Damn you for raping my body
You took away my innocents back then
It continues to haunt me fifteen years later
Until I can thaw out, I am still frozen stiff
(circa 2006)
My body has been violated
The mind and heart collide
My eyes have been dilated
You try to touch me, I pause
I clench to the thought of it
Afraid that you will hurt me
You and I just aint going to fit
You see I am not like others
I am afraid of something deeper
Its like my body is paralyzed from touch
Afraid I am frozen
My mind
My body
My soul
All are frozen stiff
Afraid of you
Afraid of me
When will the leave me
Where will I be when you come
No one else can hurt me again
If I dont let them touch me
Am I making up excuses to avoid it all
The one thing I am supposed to enjoy
I run from the moment someone is near
Damn you for raping my mind
Damn you for raping my soul
Damn you for raping my body
You took away my innocents back then
It continues to haunt me fifteen years later
Until I can thaw out, I am still frozen stiff
(circa 2006)
I Got UR Secret
You think you are safe now
You told the wrong person
You are going to be saying wow
I will be hearing you cursin
Cause I got your secret
And I am a bomb to explode
I am going to tell everyone
This will fuck up your life for good
Just as you have fucked mine up
No secret will be safe with me
Watch your step cause you will get burned
Look at you walking your walk
You think your shit dont stink
All you can do is talk the talk
Step off cause you are about to sink
Cause I got your secret
Tick tick tick toc BOOM
There you go your lies will make headlines
You are about to lose everything
You fucked the wrong person this time around
I wont stand back to take your shit
Payback is hell when you fuck with this bitch
Cause I got your secret
Look behind you every step of the way
Because when you take the next step its over
I have slipped out of the shadows as you go away
Forever I hope as you have ruined all of your chances
And never again will you even get a second chance
With me
Cause I got your secret
(circa 2006)
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