Fears of the Unknown

It's been almost two weeks since I gained custody of my son; and honestly I never been so nervous, overwhelmed and scared in my life. I am so nervous all the time making sure he's okay, that he's adjusting, I am scattering around looking for a day job so I can set a schedule for me to be here for him; looking for us a place to move into within the next month before July 1; trying to accomodate his time with his mom and yet set boundaries; my stomach is upset a lot cause I want to do the best for us; and I worry about his schooling (and lack of) and his future while he goes to 9th grade next year; or whether he should retake 8th grade over due to the absences, my mind is always fluttering; and inside I am crying because I want to prove to self and him that I can give him the best future for the next four to five years. I am not really depressed, but just overwhelmed. I have not set any rules or chores, really, as I am letting him just adjust to being in our home here; yet once we move, there will be more concrete rules; chores, curfew, etc. I worry that I wont be able to find a day job, full time to be here at night for him; I am currently on leave from work, but when I return, I can only work weekends, because there are no day shifts at my employment, and I can't work nights this soon with Chase being new in my home. I guess it's the parenting shock and the worry to do what's right continues on. I will be okay, it's just that now I worry about him more than ever since now I am his direct parenting link on a full time basis. I dont worry about my life or personal affairs, as it's all about him. He's with his mom right now for the weekend, and he has six school days left; I am so proud of him for going to school everyday for the last month and very proud of him with him slowly adjusting to living with me. I will be a lot happier when we get a 2 bedroom so that he can have his own space in his own bedroom; for privacy and freedoms as well. I love Chase so much, and have wanted to be a full time father; but when we both are thrown together, it's an adjustment for all of us; I just want to succeed and I know once I get a better job, get us moved, and get a schedule set for him, that I will feel a lot more relief and can breathe; right now I just worry; and worrying is not doing anyone any good now is it? No. Well this probably doesn't make any sense to the reader, but I had to write something to sort out the mixed emotions that are bottled up inside; what I need is a good cry, but can't seem to find that chord to be stricken yet.

Until next time...

d.