As my readers know, a lot is going down with my son, his schooling, upcoming probation (again), his mother and the custody issue. I have been so stressed and depressed regarding this, and even if I put into words about how I feel, I cant even begin to find the right amount of adjectives, facts and written words to explore my inner self right now. For some time now, like a decade, I been wanting to write an autobiography about my life. I have been through so much triumph, tragedy and struggle, that I feel my stories of my life could help others but for whatever reasons (lazy, lack of concentration, memory, writer's block, depression) I have yet to begin it. No, that's a lie, I have started Chapter 1 so many times in the last decade but then lose focus and move on to some other life struggle or chapter of reality.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
4 comments:
Doug, Do not give up on your son. Fight for him and show him how much you do love him. I have 2 daughters, and at the age of 14 is when I "lost" my oldest one to my mother when she decided that she couldn't live by my simple rules at home and went to live with my parents. My rules were simply: #1 dont' talk back to me #2 let me know where you're going to be #3 if you're going to be late coming home please call me #4 keep your room clean. Easy rules to live by but not for her. Her younger sister had no problem with those same rules when she got old enough to live by them so why her? Simply because my mother gave her everything on the face of the earth that she ever wanted and my husband backed her up on it and wouldn't say no and refused to stand with me and say no. Hard to enforce the "NO" rule when you stand alone. To this day and my daughter is now 29 yrs old, we do not get along. I'm not allowed to see my 4 yr old granddaughter who lives across the street from me. There is a rift in my family that might as well be as wide as the Grand Canyon so do not let this happen to you and to your son. Fight for him. Thank God my youngest daughter and I are close so I do have one loving relationship with one of my kids and it saves my sanity more than once. Adam Lambert's music and meeting friends because of ADAM has been another reason I'm still sane; otherwise I'd be a basketcase on more days than I'm not. I've had alot of "Broken Open" days where I've had to reach out to my "Sisters" and get the comfort that I've needed and thank God that they've been there for me when no one else has, except for my youngest daughter. My mother? Well she has taken my oldest daughter's side and my husband refuses to take sides which is his right. I truly feel your pain and what you've been through and are still going through. Prayers are being said for you and the love and light that ADAM has taught us all to share is being sent to you. LOTS OF LOVE & HUGS.
Doug - I am pretty much looking into a mirror when I read your "Being a Father" blog. I won't go into details of my "story." You really don't need the burden of wading through someone else's journey when you're struggling to travel through your own.
Suffice to say - I know from experience that you have a very tough, painful journey ahead of you. I know that's not easy to hear, but you don't need sugar coating at this point.
While you're fighting to save your son's life, (which truely is what you are doing) there will be so, so many times when you'll want to give up. I know. But, its painfully obvious how much you love your son. So you won't give up. You can't give up. A worthwhile life is at stake.
You will experience the lowest lows in this process. The excruciating pain you will feel as Chase fights again and again against your love and efforts to put his life back on track, will be unbearable. There's no getting around that.
But, Doug - persevere you must. He's worth it, even though there will be times when he shows the most hate for you. He's worth every heartache. But you know that already, or you wouldn't be so anguished about it.
I walked through the bowels of hell in an effort to save my son from himself. I shudder even now at the memory of the pain and agony of those times.
But, I do have encouragement to offer. The light at the end of this dark tunnel is gloriously bright. My troubled son emerged from that darkness a strong, mentally healthy young man.
He is now happily married with a beautiful 4 year-old daughter. And when I watch him with her, I see what a very loving, caring father he has turned out to be. Who whould have thought this would come to be? But - it has.
If you were to ask me for advice - the single most important bit of guidance I would offer are these two words - be consistent -- in every single thing you do for and say to your son. Be consistent in your love. Be consistent in your discipline. Be consistent with your consequences. Be consistent until it makes you sick. And then - be consistent some more.
And one other very important thing -- don't try to do it alone. Get help from therapists, psychologists, youth counselors, any and everybody you can find. You will need that support. This process will take as long as it takes. Accept and be grateful for small victories, for the larger ones will follow.
I wish you the very best in this critical time. Do what you can for yourself to help you keep strong. Chase needs you more now than ever before. You CAN do this. You WILL do this.
Regards - a concerned reader
All I can say is that if somehow you could get to the point where you REALLY see that if you had the same experiences, the same childhood growing up, lived in the same society at the same time, had the exact same genetic make-up, the same mother, the same father, the same EVERYTHING, you would be exactly like your son is now. If you both could get to that point.....he could see how you came to do what you did, too. It just WAS and IS. If you both could FORGIVE the forces of life and genetics in yourselves and in each other, you would have a template for the rest of your lives. If you don't, the unconsciousness will just keep getting passed down from one generation to another. It's a noble thing to break the chain. This applies to the mother, too. Good-luck. I am sending positive, helpful vibes.....Deb
It's a great opportunity - to suffer. It gives you the energy, insight, and momentum to go beyond what is causing the suffering in the first place....and that is resistance. If you are resisting what IS, you are digging yourself into a hole of misery. Accept what is now, feel the REAL YOU underneath the situation, and realize that suffering (resentment, guilt, acting out...) is not useful. If you want peace, get beyond the reactivity. Let go of the compulsive thoughts (and subsurface ones that you're not even aware of), and MOVE ON. If you stay stuck in resistance, you are putting up the bars of your prison. Moving on does not mean that you do not acknowledge what has happened. You acknowledge it, and then you realize that it serves no useful purpose to hang on to it, so in your own self-interest,and in the self-interest of all others (who will be dragged down by your energy if you stay stuck), you give up your attachment to the "injustices", the blame, the story behind your situation. All that is just a ball and chain to drag you down for the rest of your life. Realize this, and you will find peace. Even if you don't think you can or will ever get to peace because you are so overwhelmed now, just accept that you are not peaceful, and in the acceptance and openness, you will find peace. Love to you.
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