I mean really? What is the purpose anymore? What is the reasoning for all of this that hovers of my head on a daily basis? I'm just plain exhausted. The light that comes and goes in my spirit has faded slowly as it has come to a halt. I am physically so exhausted now every day from my job, stress, depression and mentally draining strains that weigh down on me on a daily basis. I have come to a point where I am getting desperate because I am so alone. I have been single for going on six years since my last true relationship and even while that relationship wasn't the greatest, I still had someone in my life to be there on a daily basis, be there for me and have a comfort level that I have never had again since. I am not your typical guy. I deal with the guilt and anger over having sexual performance issues with a very low testosterone level which prevents from having erections with other people, no sex drive physically and the over all low energy level from having very below average hormone levels. I know in my heart I will always be single and alone. Nobody wants someone who does not want or desire intimacy. I long so much to be held, to be looked at, to cuddle on couch just being with someone who cares for me for me. It ain't going to happen, I know the community for which I am ashamed to even be a part of yet I know deep inside that there isn't anyone for me. Dealing with this day in and day out burdens me to the deepest and darkest realms of my mind and broken spirit. Yes, I can get insurance someday and get hormone therapy to raise my levels, and maybe, just maybe, I can feel good and enjoy the part of life that we are all meant to enjoy.
I have had a roller coaster of a mental wipe out for most of my life going from in and out of therapy, suicide attempts some landed me in the inpatient hospital, from being a victim of brutal sexual abuse twenty years ago next month, going through "coming out" as a teen, never feeling part of a family, getting married to run from who I am or wasn't, fathering a child that has drained me with the adventures he and I have endured, the abduction nightmares from when I was five years old, to the constant feeling of never being able to please anyone including my mother most of all who has made me feel less than perfect since I was a child.
I have traveled all over the US in the last ten years trying to find my home, getting restless and uprooting again as all of this follows me where ever I go. I went through a period when I got involved with Kabbalah that I felt alive and energized but that spirit has faded and I am more broken than ever. My mood goes from one extreme to another in a split second. My quality of life had deteriorated to the point of taking all my energy to even make it through a normal day. I can list pages of experiences that have brought me to who I am today, but I am tired, I am exhausted and I just am losing all my passion for life, for goals, for the fact I know I am destined to be alone for life.
So I ask, what's my purpose? Why even bother with this life as it's path has drained me to just being a flesh shell with a damaged soul. My obsession with being validated and loved has taken me all over and now my gas is running out. There are people who know me (what they think) real well, and others who I have met online who only know me via my words, there are others who I have hurt, unintentionally, and those who have hurt me; I have survived many challenges in my life in every possible genre of life including spiritually, sexually, physically, mentally, medically and emotionally, and I have kept pushing myself.
My physical health is a main priority as I have not felt good for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. I have continued to TRY to do right by others, fighting every obstacle that gets in my way, but in the end, always ruining all the work I had accomplished in the meantime.
The situation with my son has warped my soul for the last almost 16 years now as I have been part of a troubled child who has turned out to be such a messed up young man and the guilt and anger that I harbor inside has destroyed the pilot light that has barely been burning for so long. NOBODY can understand the situation with my son and his mother, and what has become of my son. I worked so hard, fought the courts, the law, the teachers, the probation officer, the school and his mother to save him and after all that in return I got to the point of mental exhaustion as I had nobody on my side to fight with me to get the help he needs/needed in order to get his life about face; so once again I gave in to him and gave him back to his mother, who has been the #1 reason of his failures, and I left again never to look back again.
Another big cloud over my head is the downfall of my relationship with my mother; I have exhausted all avenues of that family bond after thirty plus years of trying, what I thought was my best, only to continue to fail in her eyes, and be thrown to the wolves as in her eyes I am a failure, and her words and actions have caused me to think even more about the fact that I am a fuck up, whether born this way, environmentally or just a mental case, I am flawed beyond repair.
Here I am in Florida, a new state where I know nobody, lonely as ever, trying to stand tall and move forward only to crumble upon to ashes within. I even already plan on moving again to another location, and the bohemian spirit within wants to experience so much more as something brought me to this area, and maybe it will reveal itself why I am here.
Go back to therapy? Get a job with insurance? Get my hormones leveled out so that my mood, sex drive, physical overall health together? I dont know how to do it, I am struggling to get through each day with a job that stresses me out without any insurance possibilities until six months to a year, if I make it.
I get encouraging words from people from all over, but nobody, I mean NOBODY knows how I feel, or don't feel, and I have failed in so many ways and burnt so many bridges that I don't have the strength to even go any further some days.
I don't know my purpose of writing this blog, but I just am frustrated and am on the edge of slipping into a deeper pit than I already am. I feel nobody knows me, nor will take the time to listen and really BE a true friend or family. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us, so I dont want to spend the remainder of my days with such a low spirit that is damaged and broken.
TMI? I don't care, I wanted to share, because if you were in my shoes, you'd be in despair as well.
d.
4 comments:
why do u keep saying u r a loser and 'fuck up' in my eyes that is not true. i have backed u all of your life n anything u wanted 2 do except leaving chase over and over life is so short 2 harbor this resentment against me. it saddens me u feel this way u r a grown man u can and wiill do what u want, love u
If I were in your shoes, I would hope I wouldn't be so self centered. No wonder you are so unhappy with your life!
It's not true that no one can help you. You'd be surprised how many of your issues have impacted other people's lives and how much they have learned, from years and years of solving them through trial and error.
You divert a Hell of a lot of practical advice, emotional support and, simply friendship, by "Blocking" people from communicating with you.
I hope you enjoy your book, it was a gift in the spirit of a friendship I soon found out didn't exist. I tried to help; you made me feel like a fool. Don't get so mired in the quicksand of self-loathing, self-pity and helplessness that you refuse any opportunity to let someone, anyone help you, change.
When the next person like me comes along, do yourself a favor and accept what he has to offer.
I wish you the best-now you start wishing yourself the best and things will change.
Clarification In my post above, I should have been more clear when I wrote, "You'd be surprised how many of your issues have impacted other people's lives"
While that may be true. Your specific issues may have impacted the people who are part of your life. What I meant to say was that others who you have responded to your cries for help on Twitter may have had problems identical to some of yours and may be generous enough to open their heart to you and spend time trying to help you.
You may have found the experience, exertise, advice, concern and willingness of others to help valuable in every way, except in keeping the lights turned off in your world...and your worldview.
I feel bad for you Douglas, really bad despite the feeling really bad myself at your insulting response to my gesture of friendship as well as your "letting me in" long enough to share my personal story of coping with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and offering some practical tips, only to be Blocked as thanks for the time I spent trying to help you.
I don't know you and I will try my best to refrain from reaching out to people I meet in Twitter who are in pain, because I have learned it always turns into me being blamed for their problems.
You have the distinction of being "the last straw" from now on my natural instinct to assist, to listen and to care about the problems of other human beings on Twitter, Facebook and other social media, will be curbed; I will remind myself of how disposable you and, more than a few other soap opera fans, treat anyone whose personality has any dimension other than a keen vocabulary for "snarkiness."
How I had that word; how I hope it is never applied to me. "Genuine", "Honest", "Compassionate" and "Willing to Help" may not make me popular, but I'd rather live with integrity that groom, refine and admire my Block list, as so many in the disintegrated "Save Our Soaps Movement" seem to do.
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