...

bitter.
hateful.
angry.
resentful.
embarassed.
alone.
lonely.
regretful.


kabbalah vs. the devil
good vs. evil

my mind's switch has flipped again
now i am on the down low of hateful
the hell of hells

my body is slowly breaking down
my mind is slowly devouring itself

i dont want to go on
yet i know i have so much yet to live for
i dont want to go another day
yet i have plans i never got to make

i am poison
even when i am blossoming
i am evil
even when i am smiling
i am an angel
yet feel like an enemy

i want to change the world
then i fall backwards
my mind is tainted
like a blank canvas painted

you only hurt the ones you love
yet i want everyone to leave me alone
i want to live in isolation
forever

pretend i dont exist
you truly dont realize what an impact
you do make on someone's lives for good
until you have time to reflect "what if"
as if you never would have came along
and seen how their life would have been

my son resents me
my exwife needs me
my job needs me
my coworkers need me
my friends say they need me
yet here i am and i dont want me

i want a future
but this health is never improving
i dont have the strength to return to the world of wacky whackos
and have
MRIs
CatScans
Bone Scans
Bone Marrow biopsies
Xrays galore
More blood taken than a horror flick
Spinal taps
and more tests than a harvard grad
only to be told once again for the millionth time
"we dont know whats wrong with you"

then i have to suffer
my job suffers
my family suffers
my soul suffers
my spirit slowly dies

then what to do
do i check out
or...

well, what do I do?