A True Blessing

You are the reason
You are the one
You are the vision
You are the love
You are the voice
You are the path
You are the good
You are from me

This is Chase. This was taken before I left in June. Having a child is supposed to be the blessing of one's life; people take it for granted having a child and it's a wonderful moment to envision the one you created come out of their mother and take their first breath; that moment forever changed my life thirteen years ago. 99.9% of my impulsive decision have all been failures - and the one decision (getting married/fathering a child) was not a mistake by all means, but the reason I got married, had a child and later divorced and started my path of confusion is what has drove me into a tornado of emotions all this time. I got married because I wanted to be different, I wanted the family, I wanted to be the good husband, I had every good intention - but those feelings of being gay and needing, wanting, yearning for that dream (other than the family one) led me stray to a, now, twelve year journey that has had a lot of great experiences, some horrid events and a continuing fear that has followed me all this time. Chase has had so much happen to him in his very young life. He has lost and gained, then lost and gained again - majority my own moving back and forth; but his loss of grandma (maternal); the loss of his step grandpa by divorce, and much more exposure to things I would never want and never wanted him to be able to see, hear and feel...the anger that has followed me is due to the fact I fucked up, and I wanted a child - even at that age of 20, I wanted a child (someday) and raise him on my own - but at that young impulsive age I felt getting married to best friend was my only way - I just didn't know I would later have to choose from my journey that never was taken prior to his mother and I getting together, or stay with her and "feel unhappy and miserable" (only now I realize the search for the perfect life, perfect family, perfect partner never fulfilled me, and years wasted) - I chose to follow my journey from 2001 till 2008 which took me from Indiana to Houston, to Los Angeles, back to Indiana, back to Los Angeles, back to Houston, back to Indiana then last summer back to Los Angeles, and now in North Carolina - and now because of my actions (and mother's actions) I am returning back to Indiana to TRY once again to help my son now that he has asked for help and approach the situation differently than years prior; one will never know until the chance is taken. I pray I can save my son from a future like I have had; I want him to have so much more than what I ever had; but we can't paint our children's future; but I love my son more than anything and somehow, someway, somewhere - it will pay off. This is NOT how I wanted it and after years of hating myself, I have to let go of that and not run and look for something that actually lies within myself.