25 Random Things About Me

1. I am a father, of a 13 year old son - Chase Jordan Lancaster; he's in 7th grade in Indiana.

2. I have travelled all over starting in 2001 from Indiana to Houston to Los Angeles to Indiana back to Los Angeles back to Houston back to Indiana then to North Carolina, now tomorrow back to Indiana. Exhausted.

3. I am a music fanatic...i have probalby over 25,000 songs. I have an iTouch now - love it.

4. Movies are my best friend, I have nearly 800 titles - mostly burnt ones, oops.

5. I love tv way too much - I need a life outside of the television and the house.

6. I did drag for 2 months in Houston and my friend Michael did my make up and it was a blast, that was in 2003.

7. I was kidnapped in the same mall and same year that Adam Walsh (John Walsh from America's Most Wanted) - but I got away and so did he. Never know if it was him.

8. I got married and divorced before I was 21. Fathered a child at 20.

9. I have been wanting to write a book so bad for over 15 years; maybe I can get that goal completed. I have a book of poetry thus far; but I want to publish something and leave it to my son for when I am gone.

10. I have two additional kids (pictured in my profile) Noah and Twilight - they keep me company when I am alone.

11. I am very impulsive and no medication has yet to calm that down - and not sure how to fix it; no advice please - I hear it enough and pay the price due to my mistakes. Major depression? Bipolar? Borderline Personality Disorder - I've heard it all from all the doctors; I do have fibromyalgia and rhuematoid arthitis - NOT fun.

12. My parents divorced when I was 12. Both remarried; mom is divorced again; father still married nearly 20 years now. Good for him; wished mom could find someone.

13. I was not supposed to be born; my mother was born handicapped and her docs said it wasn't possible to conceive - but miracle baby of 1974 here I am...

14. In 2005, while living in Los Angeles - one dream came true when I got to meet the cast of the long running soap opera, The Young and the Restless (also pictured in profile) and it was amazing - later I got to meet another actress back home in 2007. After being a fan for 25 years; a true dream came true. Later a customer of mine was an actor on the show and invited my son and myself to the CBS studios to see the set, meet some more actors and watch some taping - AMAZING.

15. I was on a tv show while living in Los Angeles, "Yes Dear" the title of the show was called "Class Reunion" - I was shown on there about 20 times - awesome experience; 15 hours a day for two days and paid $250 - but so worth it. Hope I can get it on dvd some day.

16. I had a great but rocky relationship with a great man, Mike, and we met in 2002 and lasted until 2005, nearly four years - and it was such a fun time; a lot of changes; but we are now on our own path and I will always love him.

17. In Houston, I met a friend - and this person to this date has such an affect on me and unsure how to deal with it, even today. You know who you are.

18. After being single for three years after Mike, I have realized I am "asexual" - not interested in any sexual relationship with male or female; not gay nor straight. I know when that person comes along to complete me, I will welcome them into my life and be loved for me...where are you?

19. I have made a gazillion and one mistakes; not sure why I have done some of the things I have done and I am truly sorry for all the things; whether it be professionally or personally to loved ones; partners; exwife, son; mother; family; friends; myself - I hope I can release the sins and find comfort and go forth with a more positive attitude and regroup myself with Kabbalah and find my faith and spirit again.

20. My decisions whether impulsive or not; have affected everyone I know - both for the good and for the bad; so I hope I made a good impact on most; but know some friends I have lost forever and I am forever upset about that - I hope in time those I have hurt will resurface; and those I have helped will realize I tried.

21. I am now a "Twilight" fanatic - thanks to all the little girls coming in my last job and buying up all the merchandise; I have now got more merchandise than you realize; I have read the first book (almost done) then on to the next one. "Team Edward"

22. I was introduced to a whole new world of spirituality through my "spiritual brother" Paul - and for a long time I was on the path; but I got lost - time to get back on the path. I must, or I will continue to fail.

23. I have experienced more than most at my age I believe and hope that this year will reveal itself to be a better year; shed the past away; forgive myself for the mistakes I have made - find the answer for the mistakes I have made; and move forward to do my best.

24. I love to write poetry, blogs, letters, shorts, etc. - check out my personal blog at http://theredstr1ng.blogspot.com - I really reveal myself there (and will post this there too)

25. Last random fact - I am random as hell; I am very unpredictable (which is not good most of the time) - but who knows what lies next...I hope my lastest decision works out; I can't take another failure.

Soulmates by Oceans

there you are
so far away
it's been forever
but you found me
you live so far away
but can distance
make our hearts grow
fonder of each other
or will it tear us apart
i want to feel you next to me
i want to feel your lips on mine
but being separated by oceans
is hard because all we have is spirits
we must have faith that one day
just one day
we will be together
forever
we found a love in each other
that was there all along
but the path finally brought us together
when the stars are all aligned for good
we will be in each other's arms forever
and I will never let you go
i dont want this to be a fantasy
yet make this the reality of all realities
i want this last chance to be loved
be held
be wanted
and feel attractive
by you.

Yes, you.
on this path
from east coast
to west coast
to the south
and to the midwest
i am at peace with myself
my mistakes
and i have come to terms
just who i am
and it's you that completes me

i am here
for you,
yes you.

Oh My!

Roses R red
lemons R sour
open your legs
and give me an hour;
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game,
guys get all the pleasure
girls get all the pain,
10 minutes of pleasure 9 months of pain
3 days in the hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This would have never happened If the rubber hadnt tore!!
Sex is like math
u subtract the clothes add the bed divide the legs;
Roses R red
grass is green
open ur legs
and i'll fill U with cream;
Sex is evil,
sex is a sin,
sins R forgiven
so stick it in;
roses R nice
violets R fine
i'll be the six
if u be the nine;
Eat me, beat me, bite me,
blow me, fuck me, suck me very slowly
if u like it dont be sassy use your tongue and make it nasty!!

(since I have a wicked and dirty sense of humor; someone sent this to me and I wanted to share; it is funny yet dirty, tsk tsk.)

Hands

A hand.
Simplicity.
I want to hold your hand.
I want you to hold my hand.
I want to feel your hands
caressing my cheek
as you kiss me good morning
and every night as we say good night
I want you to hold my hand out in public
unafraid of the passing people
only knowing that our hands unite
two people
two bodies
two souls
two hearts
as one
I want to feel your hands
slide down my back
as I walk in front of you
and you are there to catch me
shall i begin to fall
i want to feel your hands
around me at night
holding me
as we drift off
until we awaken

i want to hold your hand.
forever.

Passion

Pasión (Passion)

You dream with a love
pure, unconditional
strong, eternal as the sun
to draw a passion

You dream with a love
clean, with devotion
free, to put wings to the heart
to fly where passion has its nestle

Passion is like a strong wind
that turns into freedom
Is to know that there's somebody who lives
wishing to meet you

Is to travel with no fear between the stars
and the immensity
is to walk through fire, walk on the water
to make a dream come true

Passion is a big strength
that move the whole Creation
Is to know there's somebody who is waiting for you
further the sunset

It's two souls that join
going together to Eternity

You'll never miss
somebody to trust
An angel to take your hand
and guide you to discover a world of passion

(this is the italian to english translation of a song from Sarah Brightman's latest release, called Symphony, and the song is called Pasion - and someone special dedicated this song to me and had it translated so I could understand it - it's beautiful - mi amor!

A True Blessing

You are the reason
You are the one
You are the vision
You are the love
You are the voice
You are the path
You are the good
You are from me

This is Chase. This was taken before I left in June. Having a child is supposed to be the blessing of one's life; people take it for granted having a child and it's a wonderful moment to envision the one you created come out of their mother and take their first breath; that moment forever changed my life thirteen years ago. 99.9% of my impulsive decision have all been failures - and the one decision (getting married/fathering a child) was not a mistake by all means, but the reason I got married, had a child and later divorced and started my path of confusion is what has drove me into a tornado of emotions all this time. I got married because I wanted to be different, I wanted the family, I wanted to be the good husband, I had every good intention - but those feelings of being gay and needing, wanting, yearning for that dream (other than the family one) led me stray to a, now, twelve year journey that has had a lot of great experiences, some horrid events and a continuing fear that has followed me all this time. Chase has had so much happen to him in his very young life. He has lost and gained, then lost and gained again - majority my own moving back and forth; but his loss of grandma (maternal); the loss of his step grandpa by divorce, and much more exposure to things I would never want and never wanted him to be able to see, hear and feel...the anger that has followed me is due to the fact I fucked up, and I wanted a child - even at that age of 20, I wanted a child (someday) and raise him on my own - but at that young impulsive age I felt getting married to best friend was my only way - I just didn't know I would later have to choose from my journey that never was taken prior to his mother and I getting together, or stay with her and "feel unhappy and miserable" (only now I realize the search for the perfect life, perfect family, perfect partner never fulfilled me, and years wasted) - I chose to follow my journey from 2001 till 2008 which took me from Indiana to Houston, to Los Angeles, back to Indiana, back to Los Angeles, back to Houston, back to Indiana then last summer back to Los Angeles, and now in North Carolina - and now because of my actions (and mother's actions) I am returning back to Indiana to TRY once again to help my son now that he has asked for help and approach the situation differently than years prior; one will never know until the chance is taken. I pray I can save my son from a future like I have had; I want him to have so much more than what I ever had; but we can't paint our children's future; but I love my son more than anything and somehow, someway, somewhere - it will pay off. This is NOT how I wanted it and after years of hating myself, I have to let go of that and not run and look for something that actually lies within myself.

unconscious chaos

loss of control
of the heart
and the mind
leads your path
to a direction
unforseen
loving someone else
loving someone within
or not loving at all
living with someone
living with no one
or not living at all
my brain has not functioned
the way it was supposed too
leading me to pave roads concretely
altering lives on the way
both good
and bad
and some indifferent
hurting those i care about
but hurting myself more than all
am i mental
am i crazy
have i been running from some truth within
that i have yet to be exposed too
am i bipolar
am i multiple personality
am i borderline personality
am i something more than i know
i am full of love
i am full of regret
i am full of hugs
i am full of hate
i am full of kisses
i am full of bitterness
i am full of light
i am full of darkness
or am i just full of shit
who am i
right when i open a new chapter
i see something new within
then the pages turn back
and i am reverted back to another time
going forward
but going backwards
carefree
careless
careful
but who cares really?

d.

A Special Someone...

This is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, Amelia. We met through a mutual friend back in 2001 in Houston when I first arrived there. To this day, we are still very close and we have had 90% long distance friendship since I have moved so much; but remain very close online and she is studying abroad in London, but will return to the States this fall. She is very special to me and who knows what the future holds; but I hold her very close to my heart, and love her greatly. I appreciate her in ways she will never understand, or at least not yet - maybe someday i will get the chance to show her in person and in spirit both.

Miss you!

this is my reality, not yours

after seven months of being on my total own
i have come to terms with many things
most of all just who is "doug"?
and i have a lot more answers now than ever
my physical health
my mental health
my past, present, future
a lot has come full circle
making sense now
i turn 35 this year
and my gift is that i have shed yet another layer
taking me back about fifteen years
regrouping
rethinking
regrowing
reimagining
and here I am
i am returning home
my son reached out to me
first time ever
i have my reasons
judge me if you want
priorities have now changed
life is too short
i have become a better person
i have become independent
i no longer am a label of gay nor straight
i will know when the person comes along, male or female
life teaches you many things
and i have learned a lot on my total own this last year
i put my notice in at my good job
i will miss my job
i will miss my staff
i will miss the pay
but my health is a concern for my job
i have had been forced to move from my home
unable to find something in a short amount of time
putting my son back on top now that he reached out to me
i can return home and work on my physical health
and find comfort in finding a relief of somewhat
so i can heal
mentally
physically
and try to build a home with a new attitude
this is my journey
this is my decision
this is my path
this is my reality
not yours

...

bitter.
hateful.
angry.
resentful.
embarassed.
alone.
lonely.
regretful.


kabbalah vs. the devil
good vs. evil

my mind's switch has flipped again
now i am on the down low of hateful
the hell of hells

my body is slowly breaking down
my mind is slowly devouring itself

i dont want to go on
yet i know i have so much yet to live for
i dont want to go another day
yet i have plans i never got to make

i am poison
even when i am blossoming
i am evil
even when i am smiling
i am an angel
yet feel like an enemy

i want to change the world
then i fall backwards
my mind is tainted
like a blank canvas painted

you only hurt the ones you love
yet i want everyone to leave me alone
i want to live in isolation
forever

pretend i dont exist
you truly dont realize what an impact
you do make on someone's lives for good
until you have time to reflect "what if"
as if you never would have came along
and seen how their life would have been

my son resents me
my exwife needs me
my job needs me
my coworkers need me
my friends say they need me
yet here i am and i dont want me

i want a future
but this health is never improving
i dont have the strength to return to the world of wacky whackos
and have
MRIs
CatScans
Bone Scans
Bone Marrow biopsies
Xrays galore
More blood taken than a horror flick
Spinal taps
and more tests than a harvard grad
only to be told once again for the millionth time
"we dont know whats wrong with you"

then i have to suffer
my job suffers
my family suffers
my soul suffers
my spirit slowly dies

then what to do
do i check out
or...

well, what do I do?