This year has been full of unexpected concerts, more this year so far than any year in my music loving life. In February, I was able to fly out to California for Adam Lambert's big "one night only" (pre-Glam Nation summer tour) concert at Fantasy Springs (blog below about that event) and was the most amazing weekend ever meeting so many fans, invited to VIP with the band, and seeing Adam for first time since Idol concert last fall.
I then invited Cassidy Haley to Indianapolis to perform for a small intimate crowd for an amazing evening (blog below)...
Then as we prepare for Adam to finally start his tour, I took mom and I to see Chelsea Handler in Chicago and The Comedians of Chelsea Latley in Indianapolis...
...then Michael Buble in Indianapolis in May....
...then took us to see Adam Lambert in Hammond, IN (full story below - FRONT ROW!) (met quite a few OMRG! fans)
...and now got a summer line up of even more shows...
In August, I will be seeing Adam Lambert in St. Louis, MO on 8/8 with mom and meeting Sally (again) from OMRG! and then in Indianapolis on 8/31...with Pat from OMRG!
Then in September going to see Maroon 5/One Republic in Indianapolis - FRONT ROW! (9/1) - going alone!
Then Adam Lambert in Peoria, IL on 9/5 for my final show of The Glam Nation Tour (with Rebecca from OMRG!)
Then Clay Aiken back up in Hammond, IN. (free tickets due to casino seating issue with mom at Adam's concert)
I am thankful to have these experiences this summer and with the fall/winter ahead, who knows who I will be able to sneak in then.
I love my music...it's what heals me!
d
Friday, July 16, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Can You Feel Me?
lying here in my bed all alone
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
no words need to be spoken
as i finally am feeling unbroken
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've waited oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
no words need to be spoken
as i finally am feeling unbroken
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've waited oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fears of the Unknown
It's been almost two weeks since I gained custody of my son; and honestly I never been so nervous, overwhelmed and scared in my life. I am so nervous all the time making sure he's okay, that he's adjusting, I am scattering around looking for a day job so I can set a schedule for me to be here for him; looking for us a place to move into within the next month before July 1; trying to accomodate his time with his mom and yet set boundaries; my stomach is upset a lot cause I want to do the best for us; and I worry about his schooling (and lack of) and his future while he goes to 9th grade next year; or whether he should retake 8th grade over due to the absences, my mind is always fluttering; and inside I am crying because I want to prove to self and him that I can give him the best future for the next four to five years. I am not really depressed, but just overwhelmed. I have not set any rules or chores, really, as I am letting him just adjust to being in our home here; yet once we move, there will be more concrete rules; chores, curfew, etc. I worry that I wont be able to find a day job, full time to be here at night for him; I am currently on leave from work, but when I return, I can only work weekends, because there are no day shifts at my employment, and I can't work nights this soon with Chase being new in my home. I guess it's the parenting shock and the worry to do what's right continues on. I will be okay, it's just that now I worry about him more than ever since now I am his direct parenting link on a full time basis. I dont worry about my life or personal affairs, as it's all about him. He's with his mom right now for the weekend, and he has six school days left; I am so proud of him for going to school everyday for the last month and very proud of him with him slowly adjusting to living with me. I will be a lot happier when we get a 2 bedroom so that he can have his own space in his own bedroom; for privacy and freedoms as well. I love Chase so much, and have wanted to be a full time father; but when we both are thrown together, it's an adjustment for all of us; I just want to succeed and I know once I get a better job, get us moved, and get a schedule set for him, that I will feel a lot more relief and can breathe; right now I just worry; and worrying is not doing anyone any good now is it? No. Well this probably doesn't make any sense to the reader, but I had to write something to sort out the mixed emotions that are bottled up inside; what I need is a good cry, but can't seem to find that chord to be stricken yet.
Until next time...
d.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Being a Father
As my readers know, a lot is going down with my son, his schooling, upcoming probation (again), his mother and the custody issue. I have been so stressed and depressed regarding this, and even if I put into words about how I feel, I cant even begin to find the right amount of adjectives, facts and written words to explore my inner self right now. For some time now, like a decade, I been wanting to write an autobiography about my life. I have been through so much triumph, tragedy and struggle, that I feel my stories of my life could help others but for whatever reasons (lazy, lack of concentration, memory, writer's block, depression) I have yet to begin it. No, that's a lie, I have started Chapter 1 so many times in the last decade but then lose focus and move on to some other life struggle or chapter of reality.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Redirection
Well, wow, what can I say, OMRG! has almost hit the six month anniversary, and I never imagined the doors it would open with it's creation and now with new doors opening, I look forward to the future of a new chapter yet again of my life as I plan to move back to Los Angeles this summer.
I have already started to do the pre-planning for my return to Los Angeles, but this time being a more thought out and well planned execution than the previous time of when I lived there in 2004-2008. With these new avenues opening for me, and more to be created, I am hoping my mind, body and soul can free me to live out these opportunities and create the new ones that have yet to be developed. My goal is to move back to the city of angels on July 1 after my lease is up, later if need be as my rent will be month to month at that time, and begin the crusade of my passion.
Who knows where this yellow brick road will take me, but I do know that I want the gang to follow me where I go, because I care about each of you, and the fact that you are here, is why I am going after my dreams, and bring you along for what could be an amazing ride.
Stay tuned for updates!
I have already started to do the pre-planning for my return to Los Angeles, but this time being a more thought out and well planned execution than the previous time of when I lived there in 2004-2008. With these new avenues opening for me, and more to be created, I am hoping my mind, body and soul can free me to live out these opportunities and create the new ones that have yet to be developed. My goal is to move back to the city of angels on July 1 after my lease is up, later if need be as my rent will be month to month at that time, and begin the crusade of my passion.
Who knows where this yellow brick road will take me, but I do know that I want the gang to follow me where I go, because I care about each of you, and the fact that you are here, is why I am going after my dreams, and bring you along for what could be an amazing ride.
Stay tuned for updates!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Finally, my "dream" car...
After I turned 16, I said to my dad, "I want a Miata" - and he laughed and I got a Chevette, which I loved til it died. Now fast forward 19 years, and I got one. It's a 1991 Mazda Miata MX-5 - OMG, it's so beautiful, excellent condition, very low miles for it's age, runs smooth as can be, and it's CONVERTIBLE, again, something I never thought I'd have. I look forward to many road trips and enjoying the upcoming weather in this new baby of mine...
d.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
OMRG! - Fantasy Springs Wrap Up
Wow.
Many of you know now that I was blessed to be part of the Adam's concert in Indio this last weekend, and I streamed live from as many places as possible at Fantasy Springs and my hotel to bring you guys as close to the party as possible. I bought an Ultra HD Flip Camera and documented my trip from getting on the airplane to arriving home yesterday morning, and plan on making a video compilation of the full events that I recorded for everyone in due time. I did post some exciting videos as I got to interview with Monte and LP. However, when I watched all my footage today, the video with Tommy was NOT recorded, and it was amazing footage just like the ones with LP and Monte. I must have been so overwhelmed (as any of you would be) and hit record twice and it turned it off, only to record the inside of my bag for 10 minutes. I am very upset about that, because it was epic. However, the picture of Tommy and I was uploaded moments after it happened, and it hit the net so fast I was on every major blog and fansite, which was amazing to hear and get all the links to see it. Our pictures of LP, Monte and Tommy were spread like wild fire so fast, amazing. I don't care about credit, but just know they are amazing photos and so blessed to have been in right place at right time. I added a handful of videos to the videos link at top of my trip already as a sneak peak of some of it, and will put together a nice "rock-umentary" when i get time. After meeting the band, and exploring the Fantasy Springs resort, I was able to meet some amazing fans from here on OMRG! and new fans. I did not realize how "popular" my site was or people who said "Oh you are Doug" or "Oh you are OMRG!" - wearing the shirt was GOLD for us here, as I was literally stopped every few minutes by fans of Adam, or fans who were already members here, and asking me about my shirt, where can I buy one (link is on main page at bottom), who I was, did i work for Adam, was I with press, etc. No ego at all, just took in all the energy from the passion of the fans. It was amazing, and as a writer, I am still so tired so I can't put it into words exactly how the entire event meant to me, still now as I sit here. I will be making a video conclusion to the trip when I make the film for the fans that is deep and emotional ending to the epic adventure.
I had no expectations other than meeting people from reunion, the site and seeing Adam perform. Never in a million years would I imagine being able to meet/video/interview the band, be 1 foot from Adam as he was coming off elevator (footage in videos here) and later being invited by Monte and LP to the VIP section of the 12th floor lounge. When you see the video of me meeting Monte (for the second time) he says something that you need to keep in mind as I can talk about it yet, but you will find out in time, I promise. LP and his fiancee, Joan, were amazing, so friendly. I met Leila, Adam's mother, and father Eber as well. I interviewed Isabelle, the oldest fan who was able to come to the resort to see Adam, whom she got to meet as well.
Speaking of the VIP party, only five of us were allowed in there, there was body guard/security and they wouldn't let me film, but Monte did take the camera and film for a while, but it's so dark, I have yet to listen to it, but will add it to the video footage once completed. He was beyond amazing. I told him that I have a link and section dedicated to him on my site and that I promote the whole band along with Adam. Watch the "meeting monte" video...all I can say for now. And Monte, what the hell drink was that you gave me? I was fu*ked up on that last one. I was able to get Sara, a fellow friend and OMRG! fan into the VIP at the end, and she got to meet/mingle with Monte as well. Overwhelming. I had no clue. I was not star struck, I handled myself well, I still can't believe it.
And that wasn't even the concert...lol
I was able to get even closer seats due to a fellow OMRG! member who's husband was unable to make it. So I filmed the full concert by videoing the jumbo screen and I tried to just focus my eye on Adam the whole time, the HD cam I used got great audio, but video was not important to me as I wanted my OWN memories in my head.
Adam was brilliant, epic proportions and hit a core within me on an emotional level. Again, nobody in the history of entertainment, has ever taken me to "this" place. Adam saved my life by restoring my faith in myself last year when I was at a very dark place. While I was at PS airport waiting to go home, I was streaming live and talking as I was as much as I could with the fans, and I broke down in tears and cried. I couldn't contain myself, because even now with writing this, I have no way to describe the weekend to you for you to "feel" what I felt. I am blessed and so grateful for Adam, his band and the energy from the fans.
During the Glamily Reunion, I was stopped a million times, which I loved, but I talked so much in ONE day, my throat was and still is so raw, and from screaming at concert. Out of the 20 prizes, I was one of 600 fans who got something, and I won a poster from the Adam advertisement for his performance. Stoked!
They played some FYE songs and fans danced in the middle of dance floor and I was the only guy and all my "fans" and ladies were around me dancing, and it was just so magical. Adam has brought together an amazing group of fans, family and glam to all of us, and it was felt within all of us. I have video of the glamily party as well to share.
A fellow fan insisted on putting guyliner on me, so I let her, someone filmed it (video posted) - and now people say I should wear it to really bring out my eyes even more. Ugh oh. LOL. I already have the beautiful tattoo (on my profile pic).
I met so many people, I can't remember everyone's names or faces, new members, current members of the OMRG site. I want to say a few thank you's right off bat to Linda E., Rosemary, Victoria, Bekky, Jennifer F., Katie, Sara, and Dee (whom was not getting to go until I hooked her up with someone with tickets to both concert and reunion)
To those of you who I met, I am sorry I dont remember you name, but I love you ALL, you are my family, you are my energy, you are my spirits...and at the end of the day it's all for your entertainment...
...and mine too!
Stay tuned for "Oh My Rock-umentary" - COMING SOON! - If it turns out good, I will burn dvds of it for the fans, but let me see if I can put together something special, but for now check out the video section for all the latest videos I posted.
Love you all so much.
PS: Our site doubled more than half, with going from 550 to 1250 members in 2 days. That is amazing. The Power of Adam. The Power of Glam. The Power of Love.
Until next time...
OMRG! (Doug)
UPDATE:
Oh
My
Rock
God!
A fellow fan here, Debbie M., has sent me this limited edition pendant that was created and embedded with Adam's signature last year, they retailed for $150, and she is sending me one tomorrow as a special gift. I am in shock, and literally tears. Thank you so much to the most amazing "fans" one can have. I will take pictures of me with mine when I get it. Much love to ALL of you. Wow. Lady Gaga sings it best, "speechless"....I should be getting in the mail in a day or so, so stoked. I also have a fan sending me Dior Homme cologne as well, which is a true blessing to have such amazing fans of the site, bottom line, it's The Power of Adam...
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Want My Life Back
selfishness is a way of life, we all have our reasons
for what we want, for what we have, for what we don't have
what does one do when you want something but your heart doesn't agree
how can you make yet another decision that will impact the people you love
life is not fair, nor is it supposed to be, yet we only get one chance
i feel like i am at a crossroad all alone lost in which direction to take
should i stay, should i go, shall i dream big, or let the nightmare within continue
why must my compass always be broken never pointing in the right direction
i am where i am today because of the choice to come here and achieve a goal
yet i am not happy, the level i am at now is low, sad, tears stream down cheek daily
happiness can be found in many different levels for i have felt them over the years
but sadness is like dying of a slow death, no matter where i try to stem the energy
i still feel all alone and now more than ever i feel useless in this shell i reside
what is my purpose now, why am i all alone, what is my motivation now
i am dying slowly within once again, the compass points in one direction
and that is out from where i am at now, but where do i go now, where is my home
my role for which i have to be is not fulfilling as i am just a body on a couch
i want so much more than what i am doing now, i want my life back, i miss LIFE
being young still allows me the ability to achieve even more goals than i have before
the mojo has been lost in the last year, the dreams, the energy, the light...
all has faded into a cloud of dust and it's time to find that motivation again
whatever i decide, does not change who i love, but this location drowns me
always grasping for anything possible to pull me up so i can breathe
destiny, fate, "meant to be" is all just a mirage of the reality that i am not there
in retrospect of reading my poetry from the last few years i see something deep
something more than my current capabilities are even reaching while just sitting here
someone give me a lighter, ignite my fire, flame the highest flame for which i am
nobody should have to just sit by and wait for something to happen, good or bad
i feel i am wasting away day in an day out, and am getting older each day
am only at the start of my journey i started years ago, but on pause this last year
so many ideas, so many hopes, so much change i want to be a part of, yet nothing
i answer to no one, and no matter what i do will never please those around me
whether i stay home and be a hermit or go out and conquer the next chapter of my life
someone, somewhere, here or there, will have me feel guilty for my decisions
i live for me and i live for my son, but for me i am not "living" and it's my time
selfish or not, i want my life back.
d.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Is There Really Somebody for Everyone
a lot of people have had their first loves
some of them have never even had a chance
they say that there is someone for everyone
i tend to think that is not true anymore
sending light and love out in the universe
only to get nothing back in return so far
with so much that i can give to someone
you'd think that someone would come this way
i put up the walls for so long but they are crumbling
wishing that some energy would whisk by taking me
in my heart i feel that i will be alone forever
even with the twinkle of hope that destiny has someone for me
i've gotten strong over the last few years, claiming i am fine
when in reality i've never felt so alone in my life
isolated self to my caged home looking for the key
but why bother anymore looking for a key
i am turning more into the bitter old man that i made fun of
the community for which i am a part of is filled with disgust
embarassed to even be a label for which i feel i even am not
so tell me is there really someone out there for everyone
because in my mind, i can't see me ever happy with someone
and this world for which i am in now is full of sadness
i dont need a fucking medication to force me to feel otherwise
it is the reality that i am alone and sick of it
i am human, i have desires, wishes, dreams, but that is all they are
false visualations of the reality that there isn't someone for everyone
it is all game in the world of love or lack thereof
nobody is good enough to just be themselves and accept others for flaws and all
to be "perfect" is only way to really make it right, beauty, no brains
well i say fuck that because i will remain alone as i wont conform
to be anything more than what i am now, which is a good human with a soul
not playing the victim card anymore, just my eyes see and my heart feels
the truth
the pain
the sadness
did i make my point, no
will i, no
just words written
nothing can express how i truly feel inside
i am from another planet
i am from another world
i am from another galaxy
i am from another soul
because the way i feel inside, nobody out there can even remotely feel the same way
finding mister or miss right is not even in the picture
none of this "the time will come when you least expect it"
along with all the other words of wisdom "they" say...
the simplicity of my writing is this
i just want to love and be loved in return
accepted for me
simple?
apparently not.
d.
some of them have never even had a chance
they say that there is someone for everyone
i tend to think that is not true anymore
sending light and love out in the universe
only to get nothing back in return so far
with so much that i can give to someone
you'd think that someone would come this way
i put up the walls for so long but they are crumbling
wishing that some energy would whisk by taking me
in my heart i feel that i will be alone forever
even with the twinkle of hope that destiny has someone for me
i've gotten strong over the last few years, claiming i am fine
when in reality i've never felt so alone in my life
isolated self to my caged home looking for the key
but why bother anymore looking for a key
i am turning more into the bitter old man that i made fun of
the community for which i am a part of is filled with disgust
embarassed to even be a label for which i feel i even am not
so tell me is there really someone out there for everyone
because in my mind, i can't see me ever happy with someone
and this world for which i am in now is full of sadness
i dont need a fucking medication to force me to feel otherwise
it is the reality that i am alone and sick of it
i am human, i have desires, wishes, dreams, but that is all they are
false visualations of the reality that there isn't someone for everyone
it is all game in the world of love or lack thereof
nobody is good enough to just be themselves and accept others for flaws and all
to be "perfect" is only way to really make it right, beauty, no brains
well i say fuck that because i will remain alone as i wont conform
to be anything more than what i am now, which is a good human with a soul
not playing the victim card anymore, just my eyes see and my heart feels
the truth
the pain
the sadness
did i make my point, no
will i, no
just words written
nothing can express how i truly feel inside
i am from another planet
i am from another world
i am from another galaxy
i am from another soul
because the way i feel inside, nobody out there can even remotely feel the same way
finding mister or miss right is not even in the picture
none of this "the time will come when you least expect it"
along with all the other words of wisdom "they" say...
the simplicity of my writing is this
i just want to love and be loved in return
accepted for me
simple?
apparently not.
d.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Be A Man
What's so hard to just look within your heart and you soul to find yourself
You have to experience some real self-reflecting times in order to say bye
Close off that world you thought existed when reality is that this is it
The way I feel for you can never be described in words that come across me
Clear your mind of all what you think it should be like and enjoy the time
Even for a while just give yourself to me and forget the world around us
For once in your life be a man and give yourself to someone else now
No more being selfish and stereotypical when there is so much you are missing out on
And you know I will be there waiting for you when you take that step forth
Hold on we can make it together if you are willing to give it a try, please try
Just call my name and I will be right there but I wont wait forever so be a man
Be a man, live your life for yourself, quit trying to please everyone else
Do what feels right within, the exterior rarely completes a set of lovers
The heart is deepened with layers of experiences and memories you can't imagine
Just know that I am right here watching you turn into the man you should be
The man who hides deep within the community that has turned him into this monster
Just be the man you are and let the light shine bright and welcome change and love
Then you can return to love someone fully instead of loving thyself more
Don't be sad now, just being honest with you cause the truth is heartfelt
I have been in your shoes, got sick and tired of being sick and tired of men
We live in a world where men don't listen, nor care, so I had to float away from it
No warning labels no more must you wear when you live the life you want to
Be a man, my friend, and you will find a light that burns your soul alive
Just be a man for the first time in your life...
d.
Left Outside Alone
It may be cold outside tonight during this snowy winter
I am heated inside knowing that you are waiting for me
Now I can say I know what it feels like to be left outside alone
It's cold out here, but I am warming up now knowing your there
All my life I have been waiting for a heater like you to embrace me
The cold is there but the comfort is there knowing you are heating it up
Being left outside alone for so long reminded me of what I had missed out on
Now inside I am warming up to the knowledge that my heart is becoming unfrozen
You exist I feel it, why did I shut myself out here all alone for so long
The presence of your soul is getting close as the heat is turning up hotter
I start to shake it off and look around, seeing you in the distance
I am no longer outside left all alone that you are here, you said you come
Baby you should realize that I waited a long time out here in the cold
For someone like you to step my direction and now I am all thawed out awaiting
What are you waiting for now, I am right here in front of you now, hold me
Never let me go and never leave me to be left ouside alone again
Every season will be comfortable now that you are in my world
You must have been sent from up above because I have prayed for this day
and now I know what it's like to be part of the fairy tale with meaning...
d.
I am heated inside knowing that you are waiting for me
Now I can say I know what it feels like to be left outside alone
It's cold out here, but I am warming up now knowing your there
All my life I have been waiting for a heater like you to embrace me
The cold is there but the comfort is there knowing you are heating it up
Being left outside alone for so long reminded me of what I had missed out on
Now inside I am warming up to the knowledge that my heart is becoming unfrozen
You exist I feel it, why did I shut myself out here all alone for so long
The presence of your soul is getting close as the heat is turning up hotter
I start to shake it off and look around, seeing you in the distance
I am no longer outside left all alone that you are here, you said you come
Baby you should realize that I waited a long time out here in the cold
For someone like you to step my direction and now I am all thawed out awaiting
What are you waiting for now, I am right here in front of you now, hold me
Never let me go and never leave me to be left ouside alone again
Every season will be comfortable now that you are in my world
You must have been sent from up above because I have prayed for this day
and now I know what it's like to be part of the fairy tale with meaning...
d.
When I Close My Eyes
No matter where I go, I always feel you with me
Walking through each day that is given to me
Knowing you are there when the time comes
Where you are is something I have yet to uncover
Hearing your heartbeat through your chest I yearn for
When I close my eyes late at night, I see you
When I close my eyes late at night, I hear you
When I close my eyes late at night, I feel you
I have not met you yet, but you are out there
I have not heard you yet, but you are talking to me
I have not felt you yet, but you are holding me
I have dreamt of you for many years, but fear held me back
Now time has come to let you in, if only you could find me
Life is so short, so precious, so hard, be easier with you here
Carry me over the threshold of love within my heart, it's beating
Love me from afar, but hold me close tonight
Never give up, that feeling you have within
Is me reaching out to you, I am right here
Keep looking and you shall find all you've wanted
I been wanting you, I've dreamt you to life
You just have to keep heading down the path
and we shall run into each other in time
When I close my eyes, I know you are out there.
d.
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