lying here in my bed all alone
i sense you are lying here with me
i can't see your face as i have not met you yet
but know that you are coming
and that this space in my life is awaiting you
i lie here on my side facing where you would be lying
as you look back upon my face
reading deep into my blue eyes
no words need to be spoken
as i finally am feeling unbroken
i can feel your arms embrace my body
holding me as if you never want to let go
i've waited oh so long for your embrace
and now i just can't see your face
in an online world i can feel your energies
yet offline i still haven't felt your presence
the day will come when we will be together
and fight for what we have always wanted
i can feel you
can you feel me?
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fears of the Unknown
It's been almost two weeks since I gained custody of my son; and honestly I never been so nervous, overwhelmed and scared in my life. I am so nervous all the time making sure he's okay, that he's adjusting, I am scattering around looking for a day job so I can set a schedule for me to be here for him; looking for us a place to move into within the next month before July 1; trying to accomodate his time with his mom and yet set boundaries; my stomach is upset a lot cause I want to do the best for us; and I worry about his schooling (and lack of) and his future while he goes to 9th grade next year; or whether he should retake 8th grade over due to the absences, my mind is always fluttering; and inside I am crying because I want to prove to self and him that I can give him the best future for the next four to five years. I am not really depressed, but just overwhelmed. I have not set any rules or chores, really, as I am letting him just adjust to being in our home here; yet once we move, there will be more concrete rules; chores, curfew, etc. I worry that I wont be able to find a day job, full time to be here at night for him; I am currently on leave from work, but when I return, I can only work weekends, because there are no day shifts at my employment, and I can't work nights this soon with Chase being new in my home. I guess it's the parenting shock and the worry to do what's right continues on. I will be okay, it's just that now I worry about him more than ever since now I am his direct parenting link on a full time basis. I dont worry about my life or personal affairs, as it's all about him. He's with his mom right now for the weekend, and he has six school days left; I am so proud of him for going to school everyday for the last month and very proud of him with him slowly adjusting to living with me. I will be a lot happier when we get a 2 bedroom so that he can have his own space in his own bedroom; for privacy and freedoms as well. I love Chase so much, and have wanted to be a full time father; but when we both are thrown together, it's an adjustment for all of us; I just want to succeed and I know once I get a better job, get us moved, and get a schedule set for him, that I will feel a lot more relief and can breathe; right now I just worry; and worrying is not doing anyone any good now is it? No. Well this probably doesn't make any sense to the reader, but I had to write something to sort out the mixed emotions that are bottled up inside; what I need is a good cry, but can't seem to find that chord to be stricken yet.
Until next time...
d.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Being a Father
As my readers know, a lot is going down with my son, his schooling, upcoming probation (again), his mother and the custody issue. I have been so stressed and depressed regarding this, and even if I put into words about how I feel, I cant even begin to find the right amount of adjectives, facts and written words to explore my inner self right now. For some time now, like a decade, I been wanting to write an autobiography about my life. I have been through so much triumph, tragedy and struggle, that I feel my stories of my life could help others but for whatever reasons (lazy, lack of concentration, memory, writer's block, depression) I have yet to begin it. No, that's a lie, I have started Chapter 1 so many times in the last decade but then lose focus and move on to some other life struggle or chapter of reality.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Right now I am stemming all my focus on my son and reflecting on the role of being a father, at least through my eyes and heart. I never ever expected to be a father, especially being a young father that I am. Don't get me wrong, and for those who know me, do know how much love I have for my son. The "mistakes" I have made in my life in the role of father are not that horrid, like my son plays them out to be. I have never been abusive (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, mentally) nor was my father to me while growing up; but the biggest failure of my life was moving away from my son three different times, only causing a lifeline of hatred, resentment, loss of trust and inability to respect me as a father. Whether here or living afar, I have never "not" loved my son. He has been the core concept of my need to thrive and survive. I have no excuse for moving away and back the three times that I have. His trust in me, or lack of, is my fault, because I showed him an instable life that I was leading, where as with his mother, she stayed put, she never left him, but she faulted in other ways, where I would never have, ever.
Why is my son the way he is now today? I am tired of pointing fingers, blaming her, blaming my own self and rehashing the past; but the past is important now more than ever with this upcoming major change in our family with custody coming to me. While I was gone out in Houston, Hollywood and North Carolina, I was working, doing my thing, living a selfish life, putting only me first while I had no idea the dominoes that were falling here at home all those years. I was only told what I needed to know, not what I wanted to know or should know. His mother, in her own eyes, did what she thought was the "best" for him, little did she know that years of what she thought was "right" was actually ever so wrong. Now fast forward to the present, we are facing a very angry, young man who has manipulated his mother, abused her in his own way emotionally and has got away with so much with facing little or no consequences, ever. I don't need to go into details of what did or did not happen those years, but what I know is all that is important, and am learning more as time passes.
What needs to be done now? Well, only she and I know what we are dealing with, yet Chase has something deep rooted within that brings him to a place of darkness and anger for which I have no way of knowing the real reason. I have heard him place all the blame on me for "abandoning him" and that he "hates me" and the many excuses that he has said, but when I look into his eyes, I see so much hurt, pain and anger that is rips at my own soul to know that I should have been here to prevent the heavy burden that he apparently is carrying and has carried for so long. I can't go back and change the past, but I came home in 2008 and have not left him. Last summer, I did what I had to in order to save him, but the events that took place with restraining orders against young men he was hanging around with, the six months of probation, and the huge amount of days missed from school, did not phase him in the least, and now we are at a new boiling point where has has missed nearly all of school this semester and his mother is now at a point where authorities could and are going to be coming after her, which I feel is too late because after three years of this, she has still not reached out to ask for help or find the correct help for him and for herself.
Yes, I have wanted custody of Chase since DAY ONE, but that obsession was a fantasy because I was not stable for all those years in every area, mentally, physically and financially; but now that I have been home and have focused on making all right with everyone and my own self, I now am determined more than ever to get my son, save my son, heal my son, guide my son to a better mindset, release the anger within and will take any extreme I need to in order to do this for him, for us, and for his future. This is not a game, far from it, this is about the best interest of my child. I am his father. I am more of a father than I ever have been the last year, and I have been quiet long enough and now I must stand up and save my son and have my voice heard as I was a silent parent for way too long.
Is it too late for Chase? No, I have every faith inside my soul and heart that I can be the guiding light that he needs. He may be 14, but he is still young enough that I can be a driving force to get him in the land of light, and dread the darkness out just as I have had to do with my own inner self over the past years, and I feel so much better than ever, mentally and emotionally. Yes, I am struggling with that part of me right now because of the current affairs that are going on, but I am human, I am real, I have feelings and I am his father. He has goals, ideals and wants for his future, he is a bright young man, but so shrouded by darkness right now to get him where he needs to go.
I am a father first and foremost. I am not the greatest dad in the world, and I never imagined all of this that has gone on would have ever happened the day I saw him being born and put into my arms. The struggle with my own insecurities and searching for thy self and love took me on many impulsive journeys that led me right back to where it all started. There is no book on how to be a father, but I have always went with my gut when I was in the father role and felt what I have done regarding discipline, structure and guidance was what I thought should be done. I was told I was too rough, too hard, too mean; sorry but that is far from it. My tries while living with Chase a couple times (and his mother) over the previous years, I did what any parent should do, but when you are forced to co-parent with two completely types of parenting, there is no win-win, I always lost because he has a rapport with her to an extreme, and knows she gives in, and he walks all over her, but those days of her being a welcome mat are over, and what is about to happen next is going to be so very hard.
I will admit I am a very lonely person right now. I am so lost and confused on so many levels of life, not just with parenting, yet I am not giving up. I have my days where I stay cooped up in my home and dont leave, but that is how I deal with things. I used to be the life of the party, always had friends, always busy and enjoying life; but the last couple years I have taken a more quiet life, living on my own and learning to love thy self and enjoy own company. I am to a point now where I don't even have any social life or social skills as I am afraid to even try to date, try to meet people as I am unhappy in this town that I live. I was nearly going to move yet again next month until I learned about all the things going on with Chase, his mother and school; because I feel I am dying slowly here, but now I am more focused than ever to take on this role that I don't take lightly, and that's being a father.
d.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
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