I Want My Life Back

selfishness is a way of life, we all have our reasons
for what we want, for what we have, for what we don't have
what does one do when you want something but your heart doesn't agree
how can you make yet another decision that will impact the people you love
life is not fair, nor is it supposed to be, yet we only get one chance
i feel like i am at a crossroad all alone lost in which direction to take
should i stay, should i go, shall i dream big, or let the nightmare within continue
why must my compass always be broken never pointing in the right direction
i am where i am today because of the choice to come here and achieve a goal
yet i am not happy, the level i am at now is low, sad, tears stream down cheek daily
happiness can be found in many different levels for i have felt them over the years
but sadness is like dying of a slow death, no matter where i try to stem the energy
i still feel all alone and now more than ever i feel useless in this shell i reside
what is my purpose now, why am i all alone, what is my motivation now
i am dying slowly within once again, the compass points in one direction
and that is out from where i am at now, but where do i go now, where is my home
my role for which i have to be is not fulfilling as i am just a body on a couch
i want so much more than what i am doing now, i want my life back, i miss LIFE
being young still allows me the ability to achieve even more goals than i have before
the mojo has been lost in the last year, the dreams, the energy, the light...
all has faded into a cloud of dust and it's time to find that motivation again
whatever i decide, does not change who i love, but this location drowns me
always grasping for anything possible to pull me up so i can breathe
destiny, fate, "meant to be" is all just a mirage of the reality that i am not there
in retrospect of reading my poetry from the last few years i see something deep
something more than my current capabilities are even reaching while just sitting here
someone give me a lighter, ignite my fire, flame the highest flame for which i am
nobody should have to just sit by and wait for something to happen, good or bad
i feel i am wasting away day in an day out, and am getting older each day
am only at the start of my journey i started years ago, but on pause this last year
so many ideas, so many hopes, so much change i want to be a part of, yet nothing
i answer to no one, and no matter what i do will never please those around me
whether i stay home and be a hermit or go out and conquer the next chapter of my life
someone, somewhere, here or there, will have me feel guilty for my decisions
i live for me and i live for my son, but for me i am not "living" and it's my time
selfish or not, i want my life back.

d.