the book of fatherhood

today was an eye awakening day
my son tells me after years of anger
that he dislikes me
doesn't want me here
has built a wall up around him for me
wants me gone
can't wait till I move out
and stay out
to leave him and his mother alone

now most people hearing that from their son
would spend the next few moments or hours crying
but my heart is so frozen with this subject
after years of moving around the united states
and back home to indiana
and then only to leave again
who is to blame him

but

i am not a dead beat dad
yes there were times that i didn't pay support
there were times where i didn't call everyday
but i have loved him from the moment i heard we were pregnant
and now thirteen years later
i am paying the price continually for the birth of my miracle
i never thought i'd have a child or even children
i treated my son's mother like a queen during pregnancy
i wanted the healthiest, most beautiful child
who now only turned against me
and who is to blame

no one
but me

to be honest he is the reason i moved out
moved all over
trying to better myself
while also chasing a fake dream that has ended
and reopened in the last year with new sight
i wanted betterment for myself so i can provide
a better future for him, than i had myself
but he doesn't want my money
my love
my time
my prescence
anymore

yes it hurts like hell
when you have been the main cause
i should have protected my son
from the things his mother allowed him to do
and it cuts like a knife
to the core

nothing can heal it
i forgive myself
i forgive him

the hole has yet to be filled
and never will.

who wrote the book of fatherhood
because i thought i was reading my own book
guess the critic doesn't like it

d.