Dear God...

Dear God:

I know I never thank you enough for the things I should be grateful for but I hope you realize in my challenged mind that I do thank you for all the great things that have been presented to me over the years. I know I always come to you or summon your energy when I am in trouble and not enough when I am stable. I

I am thankful for my life that began with you. I wasn’t even supposed to be born in the first place due to my mother’s medical and physically health. First and foremost, in itself, that is a miracle in many aspects and I want to thank you for that and believe I am here in this life shell to do something good. I am thankful, no matter how bad my mother’s health remains, that she is here to be with my son and I and thank you for not taking her the times you could have.

I am thankful for the good health that has been granted to me over the years. I was never really sick in my whole life and only recently has my unknown pain caused me more trouble than ever. I don’t have a lot of experience with having a lot of poor health other than my long term mental health challenges. I am grateful that I have never been ill or experienced any major trauma.

I am thankful for those in my life who have come and gone leaving a bookmark in my pages of history. For each person I have had contact with over the years, I would hope that I brought goodness yet also have taken advantage of some as well. Over the years, I have met some wonderful people who ended up teaching me more about my self and learning about the gift of love. The darkness I showed to some also taught them a lesson about me. I have hurt a lot of people, some intentionally, and others not. I am not perfect, nor have you made anyone perfect. I have been forced to accept others and have helped others accept me in return. I hope those who I have wronged have forgiven me and in return I want to forgive those who have brought about pain to my life whether be emotionally or physically. I know that those in my life now know I love them and for those who have left my circle, I think about them frequently and hope them well.

I am thankful for the paths, however good or bad, that led me to the creation of my child. I have not been a very present father for the first half of his life and that was because I honestly felt I needed to get out and experience more than I ever would have had I stayed here. I am thankful that my son was born healthy and has remained healthy to this date. I am thankful that I am now able to be part of his life at this time to help guide him in the coming years before adulthood. I am currently trying to figure out my place as a father. I am scared. I am upset. I am frustrated. I am hurt. I am trying to pave a path now to alter some past years of habits that has become more difficult everyday. I am learning more about myself with this test of parenthood. I am questioning my own way of parenting as I can’t seem to get my rules and structures set in place in a one way world. I am challenged daily with the realism that I am doing my best but yet succeeding. I look at him daily and am so proud that he is my son. On the other breath, I am torn about what is right and wrong anymore. Am I ever going to get my fatherhood presented to him where he understands and he will listen? I feel so empty and alone in this challenge that I am forced with now. I am alone in this quest to want to make it a better situation for him and his future. Tough love is not working God. Grounding him is not working. Rules and structure is not working. Screaming and yelling is not working. Crying is not working. Patience is not working. I feel I am running out of options in a one parent vs. another household. I am at a crossroads where I am tested my boundaries and don’t know where to go anymore. Please God, help guide me in this journey so that I can show the goodness we both know lies within me. You are the only one that knows what I am trying to do. I am asking that you send the energy down here so that it will be less frustrating with what I am dealing with as far as parenting goes. I don’t want to fail him. I don’t want to fail myself. I am asking for you to show me the way in this path. Only you truly know how much I love him and really want the best for him.

I want to thank you for allowing me to get this far in my life. I have caused a lot of the downfall in my life, probably all. I am in a current situation that I never imagined I’d ever be in. I know there are worse ways to live a life. I don’t want a “pity” conversation with you God, but I am asking to know why the things that goes on in my mind? I am scared living within my own skin. I have been tested to the boundaries of what I can take. Yet, I am feeling as if I can not function in my own brain and feel as I am losing my mind. I try to be strong and as of late, I realized I am a lot stronger than I thought. I have gone from one lifestyle just a few short months ago to this present lifestyle and I don’t know how I am going to get out of it. I am trying to get my health better, both mentally and physically. I don’t want my mind to see the things it sees nor hear the things it hears. I am concerned where I will be at if I don’t get my current goal to come through. I want out of this living situation that I am in. I am unhappy here more so since I can’t leave when I want. I have become so independent over the last six months, which is the one thing I never truly had. I am very used to being alone now in the capacity of a relationship that if I do find someone again, I will be okay. I spend a lot of time crying because I feel helpless, lost, confused, frustrated and just don’t know how I will move forward with finances, with self, with parenthood and with life overall. I don’t have any answers but I have so many questions. As I sit here with tears in my eyes typing this, please listen to my heart and show me the way. I am not asking for a cure or a million dollars. I am asking that you guide me to the right path so that I may walk down that path and find my way home again. Life is not easy. You never made it so that it was. Life is short. You give us one chance and I don’t want to fail. I know I am here for a reason and need to find what that is. I want to make a difference in this world and be known for making my mark.

I felt I had to write this out because I get lost for words when I start to speak to you. I am only asking for what is mine, and that is my mind to be healed so I am not scared. I feel living within this body is a cage and sometimes the bird want to fly out but I am not ready to go yet. I want to find a solid ground for my feet to be planted and so I can show love to someone once again, to be loved again someday, and when that day comes I will know you heard me tonight as I write this. When I see my son is getting what I am trying to do with him, I will know you listened to me. When I feel a sigh of relief come through me and feel less traffic in my mind, I know you were here when I wrote this tonight. Simple enough to ask for I would think, but I just thought I’d ask you for the guidance and I will do the work.

Amen.

(this was just a prayer to GOD, a way for me to speak to the energy above and within)

**reposted from April 2007