Tripping The Light NOT So Fantastic

What was supposed to be the conclusion of my cousin's birthday weekend part 2, even with him gone due to his mother's passing, my friend Jessica and I decided to return to the scene of last weekend where we all had a blast together getting a tad too drunk, smoked hookah and danced the night away. Well, that wasn't the case this weekend. While we wanted to have to have a blast, it turned out quite the opposite as it was the most fearful night of my life. I (We) have never been so scared in our lives as this is what happened...

We got to the area where we were going to spend the evening, we walked to the area from the car and there was a woman riding a lime (like a bull), a bumble bee like drag queen, a concert being done up by B.O.B., people doing Amazing Race type climbing up walls, and it was just an over all wild vision to see upon walking into the area of Ybor City last night.

As we walked down towards the hookah bar that we first experienced last week, we sat down and ordered a "strawberry/pineapple" flavored hookah, bottled water and a spiced tea. Jessica and I sat there waiting for a while and then before we knew it, they brought the hookah to the table and we were just talking up a storm.

We took one hit a piece, then two hits, I started feeling the "high" per say, and then a third hit, at the same time after the fourth hit, something happened...everything stopped...it was like The Matrix as if time was stopping and restarting, I looked over and the anxiety and fear in Jessica's face replicated the very fear inside of me, things were chopping, as if a movie was skipping and repeating itself, everything was so slow and we couldn't even move, we tried to get up but our legs were numb and my throat was feeling swollen as if I was having trouble to breathe. No amount of journalistic words could describe the fear of the moment. We sat back down and I recall telling the people working there that we were scared and something wasn't right, he kept telling us to relax, sit back and let it wear off as it has only been a few minutes and we felt it had been hours because the time was so slow. When we would move, it was very choppy and Matrix-like, I was fearful and so scared that we were dying.

We managed to get up and she grabbed my hand as we walked down the street, the lights, the people, everywhere was so intensified and the sounds of the street and the loud music from the clubs were making all the visions feel worse and amplified. We got worse, we were scared and unsure where to go, I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of the street celebration where nobody would even recognize if we did. We saw a police officer and asked for help, he thought were making it up and pointed us to the fireman. We approached the fireman, four of them, and explained what happened, they didn't believe us either and thought were drunk, but we hadn't even been drinking, and only four hits off this so called hookah that had to be something more (last week the four of us had a great time and NOTHING like this happened).

The fireman asked us to drink water and go sit somewhere and let it wear off, after what felt like an eternity we managed to find somewhere to get bottled water, and sit for a while until we finally headed back to the car. I kept telling her to not drive or we'd definitely end up dead; but our focus began to clear but still very much messed up and somehow she managed to drive us 20 miles home and safely to a local diner where we ordered food hoping it would help, our senses began to soften and things started to become more realistic, enough for her to drop me off and she made it home safely. All of this happened in 90 minutes but felt like endless time.

I woke up this morning and still this evening I am not 100% as everything is moving slow and very foggy, memory is very vivid yet dark from last night. I must say we are very lucky we didn't die, overdose, or whatever could have happened last night, and this was a MAJOR wake up call for us, and especially me to NEVER wish to be dead as my depression sometimes says to my spirit, because last night was a near death experience and I can't imagine what life would be like stuck in that time warp we were in last night.

What was intended to be a safe and LEGAL concoction, turned out to be the worse night of my life, ever.

Don't do it. EVER. We were drugged and it could have been so much worse than the hell it already was.

d.

What's THE Purpose?

I mean really? What is the purpose anymore? What is the reasoning for all of this that hovers of my head on a daily basis? I'm just plain exhausted. The light that comes and goes in my spirit has faded slowly as it has come to a halt. I am physically so exhausted now every day from my job, stress, depression and mentally draining strains that weigh down on me on a daily basis. I have come to a point where I am getting desperate because I am so alone. I have been single for going on six years since my last true relationship and even while that relationship wasn't the greatest, I still had someone in my life to be there on a daily basis, be there for me and have a comfort level that I have never had again since. I am not your typical guy. I deal with the guilt and anger over having sexual performance issues with a very low testosterone level which prevents from having erections with other people, no sex drive physically and the over all low energy level from having very below average hormone levels. I know in my heart I will always be single and alone. Nobody wants someone who does not want or desire intimacy. I long so much to be held, to be looked at, to cuddle on couch just being with someone who cares for me for me. It ain't going to happen, I know the community for which I am ashamed to even be a part of yet I know deep inside that there isn't anyone for me. Dealing with this day in and day out burdens me to the deepest and darkest realms of my mind and broken spirit. Yes, I can get insurance someday and get hormone therapy to raise my levels, and maybe, just maybe, I can feel good and enjoy the part of life that we are all meant to enjoy.

I have had a roller coaster of a mental wipe out for most of my life going from in and out of therapy, suicide attempts some landed me in the inpatient hospital, from being a victim of brutal sexual abuse twenty years ago next month, going through "coming out" as a teen, never feeling part of a family, getting married to run from who I am or wasn't, fathering a child that has drained me with the adventures he and I have endured, the abduction nightmares from when I was five years old, to the constant feeling of never being able to please anyone including my mother most of all who has made me feel less than perfect since I was a child.

I have traveled all over the US in the last ten years trying to find my home, getting restless and uprooting again as all of this follows me where ever I go. I went through a period when I got involved with Kabbalah that I felt alive and energized but that spirit has faded and I am more broken than ever. My mood goes from one extreme to another in a split second. My quality of life had deteriorated to the point of taking all my energy to even make it through a normal day. I can list pages of experiences that have brought me to who I am today, but I am tired, I am exhausted and I just am losing all my passion for life, for goals, for the fact I know I am destined to be alone for life.

So I ask, what's my purpose? Why even bother with this life as it's path has drained me to just being a flesh shell with a damaged soul. My obsession with being validated and loved has taken me all over and now my gas is running out. There are people who know me (what they think) real well, and others who I have met online who only know me via my words, there are others who I have hurt, unintentionally, and those who have hurt me; I have survived many challenges in my life in every possible genre of life including spiritually, sexually, physically, mentally, medically and emotionally, and I have kept pushing myself.

My physical health is a main priority as I have not felt good for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. I have continued to TRY to do right by others, fighting every obstacle that gets in my way, but in the end, always ruining all the work I had accomplished in the meantime.

The situation with my son has warped my soul for the last almost 16 years now as I have been part of a troubled child who has turned out to be such a messed up young man and the guilt and anger that I harbor inside has destroyed the pilot light that has barely been burning for so long. NOBODY can understand the situation with my son and his mother, and what has become of my son. I worked so hard, fought the courts, the law, the teachers, the probation officer, the school and his mother to save him and after all that in return I got to the point of mental exhaustion as I had nobody on my side to fight with me to get the help he needs/needed in order to get his life about face; so once again I gave in to him and gave him back to his mother, who has been the #1 reason of his failures, and I left again never to look back again.

Another big cloud over my head is the downfall of my relationship with my mother; I have exhausted all avenues of that family bond after thirty plus years of trying, what I thought was my best, only to continue to fail in her eyes, and be thrown to the wolves as in her eyes I am a failure, and her words and actions have caused me to think even more about the fact that I am a fuck up, whether born this way, environmentally or just a mental case, I am flawed beyond repair.

Here I am in Florida, a new state where I know nobody, lonely as ever, trying to stand tall and move forward only to crumble upon to ashes within. I even already plan on moving again to another location, and the bohemian spirit within wants to experience so much more as something brought me to this area, and maybe it will reveal itself why I am here.

Go back to therapy? Get a job with insurance? Get my hormones leveled out so that my mood, sex drive, physical overall health together? I dont know how to do it, I am struggling to get through each day with a job that stresses me out without any insurance possibilities until six months to a year, if I make it.

I get encouraging words from people from all over, but nobody, I mean NOBODY knows how I feel, or don't feel, and I have failed in so many ways and burnt so many bridges that I don't have the strength to even go any further some days.

I don't know my purpose of writing this blog, but I just am frustrated and am on the edge of slipping into a deeper pit than I already am. I feel nobody knows me, nor will take the time to listen and really BE a true friend or family. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us, so I dont want to spend the remainder of my days with such a low spirit that is damaged and broken.

TMI? I don't care, I wanted to share, because if you were in my shoes, you'd be in despair as well.

d.