Tripping The Light NOT So Fantastic

What was supposed to be the conclusion of my cousin's birthday weekend part 2, even with him gone due to his mother's passing, my friend Jessica and I decided to return to the scene of last weekend where we all had a blast together getting a tad too drunk, smoked hookah and danced the night away. Well, that wasn't the case this weekend. While we wanted to have to have a blast, it turned out quite the opposite as it was the most fearful night of my life. I (We) have never been so scared in our lives as this is what happened...

We got to the area where we were going to spend the evening, we walked to the area from the car and there was a woman riding a lime (like a bull), a bumble bee like drag queen, a concert being done up by B.O.B., people doing Amazing Race type climbing up walls, and it was just an over all wild vision to see upon walking into the area of Ybor City last night.

As we walked down towards the hookah bar that we first experienced last week, we sat down and ordered a "strawberry/pineapple" flavored hookah, bottled water and a spiced tea. Jessica and I sat there waiting for a while and then before we knew it, they brought the hookah to the table and we were just talking up a storm.

We took one hit a piece, then two hits, I started feeling the "high" per say, and then a third hit, at the same time after the fourth hit, something happened...everything stopped...it was like The Matrix as if time was stopping and restarting, I looked over and the anxiety and fear in Jessica's face replicated the very fear inside of me, things were chopping, as if a movie was skipping and repeating itself, everything was so slow and we couldn't even move, we tried to get up but our legs were numb and my throat was feeling swollen as if I was having trouble to breathe. No amount of journalistic words could describe the fear of the moment. We sat back down and I recall telling the people working there that we were scared and something wasn't right, he kept telling us to relax, sit back and let it wear off as it has only been a few minutes and we felt it had been hours because the time was so slow. When we would move, it was very choppy and Matrix-like, I was fearful and so scared that we were dying.

We managed to get up and she grabbed my hand as we walked down the street, the lights, the people, everywhere was so intensified and the sounds of the street and the loud music from the clubs were making all the visions feel worse and amplified. We got worse, we were scared and unsure where to go, I thought I was going to die right there in the middle of the street celebration where nobody would even recognize if we did. We saw a police officer and asked for help, he thought were making it up and pointed us to the fireman. We approached the fireman, four of them, and explained what happened, they didn't believe us either and thought were drunk, but we hadn't even been drinking, and only four hits off this so called hookah that had to be something more (last week the four of us had a great time and NOTHING like this happened).

The fireman asked us to drink water and go sit somewhere and let it wear off, after what felt like an eternity we managed to find somewhere to get bottled water, and sit for a while until we finally headed back to the car. I kept telling her to not drive or we'd definitely end up dead; but our focus began to clear but still very much messed up and somehow she managed to drive us 20 miles home and safely to a local diner where we ordered food hoping it would help, our senses began to soften and things started to become more realistic, enough for her to drop me off and she made it home safely. All of this happened in 90 minutes but felt like endless time.

I woke up this morning and still this evening I am not 100% as everything is moving slow and very foggy, memory is very vivid yet dark from last night. I must say we are very lucky we didn't die, overdose, or whatever could have happened last night, and this was a MAJOR wake up call for us, and especially me to NEVER wish to be dead as my depression sometimes says to my spirit, because last night was a near death experience and I can't imagine what life would be like stuck in that time warp we were in last night.

What was intended to be a safe and LEGAL concoction, turned out to be the worse night of my life, ever.

Don't do it. EVER. We were drugged and it could have been so much worse than the hell it already was.

d.

What's THE Purpose?

I mean really? What is the purpose anymore? What is the reasoning for all of this that hovers of my head on a daily basis? I'm just plain exhausted. The light that comes and goes in my spirit has faded slowly as it has come to a halt. I am physically so exhausted now every day from my job, stress, depression and mentally draining strains that weigh down on me on a daily basis. I have come to a point where I am getting desperate because I am so alone. I have been single for going on six years since my last true relationship and even while that relationship wasn't the greatest, I still had someone in my life to be there on a daily basis, be there for me and have a comfort level that I have never had again since. I am not your typical guy. I deal with the guilt and anger over having sexual performance issues with a very low testosterone level which prevents from having erections with other people, no sex drive physically and the over all low energy level from having very below average hormone levels. I know in my heart I will always be single and alone. Nobody wants someone who does not want or desire intimacy. I long so much to be held, to be looked at, to cuddle on couch just being with someone who cares for me for me. It ain't going to happen, I know the community for which I am ashamed to even be a part of yet I know deep inside that there isn't anyone for me. Dealing with this day in and day out burdens me to the deepest and darkest realms of my mind and broken spirit. Yes, I can get insurance someday and get hormone therapy to raise my levels, and maybe, just maybe, I can feel good and enjoy the part of life that we are all meant to enjoy.

I have had a roller coaster of a mental wipe out for most of my life going from in and out of therapy, suicide attempts some landed me in the inpatient hospital, from being a victim of brutal sexual abuse twenty years ago next month, going through "coming out" as a teen, never feeling part of a family, getting married to run from who I am or wasn't, fathering a child that has drained me with the adventures he and I have endured, the abduction nightmares from when I was five years old, to the constant feeling of never being able to please anyone including my mother most of all who has made me feel less than perfect since I was a child.

I have traveled all over the US in the last ten years trying to find my home, getting restless and uprooting again as all of this follows me where ever I go. I went through a period when I got involved with Kabbalah that I felt alive and energized but that spirit has faded and I am more broken than ever. My mood goes from one extreme to another in a split second. My quality of life had deteriorated to the point of taking all my energy to even make it through a normal day. I can list pages of experiences that have brought me to who I am today, but I am tired, I am exhausted and I just am losing all my passion for life, for goals, for the fact I know I am destined to be alone for life.

So I ask, what's my purpose? Why even bother with this life as it's path has drained me to just being a flesh shell with a damaged soul. My obsession with being validated and loved has taken me all over and now my gas is running out. There are people who know me (what they think) real well, and others who I have met online who only know me via my words, there are others who I have hurt, unintentionally, and those who have hurt me; I have survived many challenges in my life in every possible genre of life including spiritually, sexually, physically, mentally, medically and emotionally, and I have kept pushing myself.

My physical health is a main priority as I have not felt good for so long now that I don't know how I get through each day. I have continued to TRY to do right by others, fighting every obstacle that gets in my way, but in the end, always ruining all the work I had accomplished in the meantime.

The situation with my son has warped my soul for the last almost 16 years now as I have been part of a troubled child who has turned out to be such a messed up young man and the guilt and anger that I harbor inside has destroyed the pilot light that has barely been burning for so long. NOBODY can understand the situation with my son and his mother, and what has become of my son. I worked so hard, fought the courts, the law, the teachers, the probation officer, the school and his mother to save him and after all that in return I got to the point of mental exhaustion as I had nobody on my side to fight with me to get the help he needs/needed in order to get his life about face; so once again I gave in to him and gave him back to his mother, who has been the #1 reason of his failures, and I left again never to look back again.

Another big cloud over my head is the downfall of my relationship with my mother; I have exhausted all avenues of that family bond after thirty plus years of trying, what I thought was my best, only to continue to fail in her eyes, and be thrown to the wolves as in her eyes I am a failure, and her words and actions have caused me to think even more about the fact that I am a fuck up, whether born this way, environmentally or just a mental case, I am flawed beyond repair.

Here I am in Florida, a new state where I know nobody, lonely as ever, trying to stand tall and move forward only to crumble upon to ashes within. I even already plan on moving again to another location, and the bohemian spirit within wants to experience so much more as something brought me to this area, and maybe it will reveal itself why I am here.

Go back to therapy? Get a job with insurance? Get my hormones leveled out so that my mood, sex drive, physical overall health together? I dont know how to do it, I am struggling to get through each day with a job that stresses me out without any insurance possibilities until six months to a year, if I make it.

I get encouraging words from people from all over, but nobody, I mean NOBODY knows how I feel, or don't feel, and I have failed in so many ways and burnt so many bridges that I don't have the strength to even go any further some days.

I don't know my purpose of writing this blog, but I just am frustrated and am on the edge of slipping into a deeper pit than I already am. I feel nobody knows me, nor will take the time to listen and really BE a true friend or family. Life is so short and tomorrow is not promised to us, so I dont want to spend the remainder of my days with such a low spirit that is damaged and broken.

TMI? I don't care, I wanted to share, because if you were in my shoes, you'd be in despair as well.

d.

President Franco and The Miami HEAT!

At the spur of the moment, I decided to drive to Miami on Thursday instead of Friday afternoon as the anticipation of seeing James Franco at the poetry event was making me more anxious. So we drove down to Miami on Thursday evening, stopping in West Palm Beach to see my friend, Pat, then finally driving down to find a hotel in Hollywood and crashing after the sun-filled drive. We finally found the hotel within reason and within the budget of very little cash on hand. I showered, which felt amazing after sweating in car all day, then fell asleep so that the time of meeting Franco would be there faster.

Morning arrived and we set out driving down the A1A to Miami Beach where we finally decided on parking at the event parking garage and walking around Miami Beach. It was SO hot, only reached 86 degrees but felt like 100 with the sun scorching down on my fair skin causing slight discomfort and sweat-athon! We walked around Miami Beach, up and down every street as we arrived 8 hours before the event. Our eyes laid upon the most beautiful men, women and children we've ever seen. I had lived in Los Angeles and Houston, but yet never seeing any beautiful people like we saw. The men were perfection, so many ethnicities that caused my heart to flutter as I could only imagine having one minute with any of them. The heat was unbearable, there was people everywhere, we kept walking all over eventually walking to the beach where there were flocks of people from all over the beach, beautiful waters, salt like sand and Baywatch lifeguards that could save my life any day. Even saw some topless women just sunbathing in the sun, kinda took me back a bit to see that as I wasn't expecting it.

The day was slowly passing by as we continued to walk all over and we did not have the funds to enjoy food and water as much as we wanted too but we managed and later hung out at Starbucks until closer to event time. After a spit bath in the bathroom, I was ready to see James as we headed over to the event. It was a beautiful Symphony Hall and we waited in line to get in, they let us in and my nerves were on fire as we were an hour away from seeing James perform poetry with two other poets.

The event began, we were seated as I was on edge of seat awaiting for James to arrive, only to find out that he was still in the air with no ETA for his arrival in Miami. The first two poets continued reading for just over an hour and then the worse news of all, "James Franco will not be here tonight, his plane was re-routed to Orlando due to President Obama flying into Miami International but if you stay we could try to get him to Skype in"

My jaw dropped, I had tears in my eyes and could barely breathe. Here I spent my last dollars to get down here, faced my anxiety and fears with driving a long distance, dealt with hours of the sun and money for tickets to NOT see him. I was devastated. Many of the fans who were there just for James left as we hung around, because I had this feeling, something was brewing within, then it happened. The announcer came out and said, "If you can wait a little bit longer, James Franco is in route from Orlando to Miami and will be arriving at 10:00 PM" - alas! I had a sigh of relief to know he was coming. "He will not be reading any poetry but he has agreed to do a book signing for Palo Alto for everyone who stays" - I just smiled from ear to ear yet disappointed he wasn't there for his, what could have been, hour long poetry read.

I ran and got in line right off bat and was like 8 people back from front of line. We all waited patiently for the arrival and after about an hour of waiting in line, he arrived.

He was so tired. He looked beyond exhausted. He looked mad and disappointed. Yet five feet in front of me was the man I have loved for over 10 years and he was here! We all had our books open and ready for autographs. I was sweating, shaking and so nervous here is this amazing actor, Oscar host and Academy Award Nominee, student, teacher, writer and over all amazing human, finally...right in front of me.

I walked up and he looked up after signing my book and as I told him, "You made a grown man cry, thanks so much for getting here," he replied with "Thanks Douglas for waiting" and that 30 seconds was over and snagged a couple quick pictures and was escorted out of the hall. I looked back in the building at him and just was in awe that he made this happen for his fans even with the untimely arrival of the President that caused what I had waited months for to be short lived but still well worth it.

I no sooner got in my car and was driving home 4 hours to the other coast of Florida, facing every demon inside with the anxiety of driving long distance but with the fuel of Franco in my blood, I made it home safely and fast asleep.

We were told they would be giving refunds for the event and I plan on asking for that because he was the sole reason I made this adventure. So bottom line, Obama caused this delay and change in a once in a lifetime experience, but over all a great experience and thankful I had that "moment" with Franco.

Special thanks to James Franco News http://twitter.com/JamesFrancoNews and on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/James-Franco-News-giftaways/125870137491431 and to O, Miami http://twitter.com/omiamifestival for the festival!

@ItsJustDouglas

It's Break Time

I have come to a time where I feel I am going to scream within from social media obsessions. The social media sites we love (to hate) of Twitter and Facebook have consumed my time creating major distractions to things I once loved to do including reading, writing, socializing, interacting, watching tv and movies. I have become so addicted to the sites posting my every thought, sharing links, comments, status updating literally every second of the waking day that I have come to a point where I must put down the laptop, close the sites or turn off the iPhone where I spend 90% of my day since being out of work.

It has to stop, it has to completely stop, and learn that do my tweets even mean anything to anyone else? Do my Facebook status updates really matter to the reader? Are the people who follow you or your FB friends really care about you, yes some of them do, but it's like a popularity contest on Facebook anymore, people add hundreds and thousands of "friends" and why? Is this high school all over again? I believe it is. I had recently deleted over 400 people from Facebook to only keep the people that actually interact with me. I am not going to delete Facebook, nor Twitter, but I must slow down and go back to enjoying non-electronic induced fun again. I know that society now has the biggest A.D.D. ever with these sites, I have my phone in my hand more than anything all day, from posting tweets, updating FB, playing mobile games, texting, using GPS, googling something, it's just crazy. So, I had a breaking moment today where I said I need to slow down, but wont delete them (yet)

Being off work for the last four months it got really bad, because when I work, I work, come home, cook, watch tv and go to bed, but since I am literally addicted now, I need to start backing off NOW before returning to work so that I dont use it at work, and get caught, putting myself at losing my job because I had to see who tweeted? Really!?

Am I being a bitch? Am I an asshole? No, I am just venting because I am worried about the future of our society as we have become so disconnected from each other. People rarely call other people, we all text each other, or tweet and Facebook. Now, going out with friends here in town, to a restaurant or a bar, everyone has their phone out non stop, how can humans enjoy company as we once did if all we are doing is being rude to each other by being on the phone ignoring those friends that we love and have spent so long trying to build friendships. Can't we put our phones down for a couple hours and enjoy each other for a change? Can you try it with your friends? I was a bar on the dancefloor recently and majority of the people dancing all had their phones out checking their latest Grindr application (a gay GPS based profile app to locate gays in the area that normally want to hook up) - I mean REALLY, can't we just dance and enjoy the music, well I know I am from now on.

Even watching tv now has # (hashtags) now such as Glee last night with #Glee on the television, meaning for you to go to twitter and follow the show via the #Glee hashtag on Twitter. For those who know me, I have always been a movie fanatic, but the last six months or so, I always have my phone out or laptop out and miss most of the show, and have lost interest in movie watching unless I am at a movie where I dont take my phone out at all.

I am frustrated with the quality of life I have succumbed too, the addiction to knowing everything, posting everything, this also stems from my previous addiction to the online dating sites and gay sites that I used to obsess over trying to get that little attention from anyone possible I could get any from. Being that I am not quite the typical homosexual, those sites do NOTHING for me and I am not satisfied from the staring at those sites day in day out because I am not stooping to nor changing who I am to be that low of a person to hook up with strangers for meaningless sex. For those of who you who love the sites like grindr, Adam for Adam, gay.com, bear411 and all those sites, go for it, it's what you enjoy - but I am also just stating my opinion that there is so much out there than sitting behind a keyboard, laptop, mobile device on those people who really amount to nothing. Just broken promises, broken attempts and failure on their end. Majority of them post pics of their torso leaving nothing to the imagination, oh yeah once you get that one night stand from them, they vanish. Simply, a waste of time.

Any take aways from this for the reader, if anyone does, not really, just my opinion of the social media craze out there and my open acceptance of my addiction to it and where it has ruined my life and I must reclaim my life and get back in touch with me without sharing it all with other people.

Thanks for reading...agree? disagree? leave a comment...

d.

OMG!

In two weeks, I get to meet my favorite actor, James Franco, down in Miami! I am SO excited you dont even know! Ill post pictures from my trip and hopefully Ill get his book autographed! (below and link to purchase)

EVENT LINK FOR MIAMI!

http://www.nws.edu/eventdetail.aspx?EID=475



http://www.amazon.com/Palo-Alto-Stories-James-Franco/dp/1439163146



Can't friggin' wait!

Thoughts, Ponders and Wonders

Three months, almost, here in The Sunshine State...has it been all glam and glitz? Nah. The truth is that no matter where this body goes, the mind still has to deal with the undealt with, the past, but while I am working on my present for my future to be better; I still have the battles within. Has Florida been a good choice? Yes. By all means, this place is a paradise of many sorts.

I have met a handful of great people in my life now that I consider as family, and met other acquaintanceships as well. I have seen many beautiful things including the sandy beaches of the Gulf. Just a simple visit to the beach can clear the mindset that may clog me on a negative day. I'm happy yes, but I have been out of work for almost four months and start my new job in just a couple weeks, then life will be back to the grind of the daily in and out of life; yet I will be happy for that because being off work for four months I have grown so bored with life even in the new city where there are many of things to do but yet to me, sitting at home, being online and watching tv and movies is just as simple as things can be. I like the simple life, no need to be out and about every night. Just do what makes YOU happy and quite frankly doing nothing at home is my kinda day.

Yes, I could have done that back home in Indiana, but there was no future of employment there, and I needed to be in an area where I could meet and create a family for the future. I am haunted daily by the situation with Chase, I thought I could be all big and bad and tough regarding the decision to allow him to return back to his mother, yet I am daily reminded how much I love him, miss him and wished things turned out so different. He hasn't reached out to me, yet I send him a weekly post card to let him know I think of him and love him so very much. I'll never stop.

Then came my cousin, Maurice, who moved here just a few weeks ago, which has been a great addition to my move. We will be getting our own apartment in the summer; while he is here it's been fun to laugh, and have someone I trust to hang out with along with the other folks I have grown into my family tree of Florida. I miss my mom a lot, she's dealing with her health on her own up in Indiana, and hope she can get to an even health so that she can come down and visit us when she's better.

End of the day, this is my life, I have been quite brave to move all over the United States since 2001 embarking on never ending adventures that has helped me grow as a human. Many people never leave their comfortable life in their little towns, and yet I ventured out and created so many memories I can even imagine from Houston, Los Angeles, and back home in Indiana. I wanted things and had to go out and make them happen, sitting at home in your safe life will not amount to much if you dont reach out and make things happen for you. You only get ONE chance, so make the most out of it.

Who am I even preaching too? Why am I even writing this, I just feel like I have things to say, that's why I Facebook and Tweet nearly every voice in my head that comes out, because I have all these words buckled up in my mind and I need to find my voice again and find my muse to let the poetry poetically be released from within and find my voice to type blogs/journals to just say it.

I have things that may never change within me, but I have come a long way, and literally I have people who judge me and think I am "this" or "that" but when in reality, that's their problem to cast stones at me when I am the only who knows the adventures I have had, the truths within and the goals I really want to achieve yet in my young life.

Not the greatest health within but I hope with this new job I can take advantage of the insurance and find ways to FEEL better, and explore so many areas of Florida in the summer and fall, to go out and MAKE the memories because that's all we have, are memories.

Until next time...bookmark me, I may have more to say, VERY soon...

d.

Challenge

You challenge my mind
To wonder how I ever lived
Before you were in my life.

You challenge my eyes
To dare try to compare you
To be beauties of the world.

You challenge my hands
To touch things
That are not a part of you.

You challenge my lungs
To grasp to air another moment
Without you here to share.

You challenge my heart
To remember how to beat
When you aren’t around to love me.

You challenge my soul.
To work to become
Everything I want to be for you.

You challenge me to love
Every moment I spend
On earth with you.

Held

by Douglas

Lying here alone in this bed
I turn over to see the darkness
For which lies next to me each night
Where you should be looking back at me

I know you are wanting to be here too
Yet you are apparently still so far away
My heart longs ever so long just to be

Held in your arms
Held in your embrace
Held within your soul
just held.

The spot that is reserved for you awaits you
Along with my eyes that long to meet yours
No words needed when you feel what I feel
Just a look that I need to give for you to know

I know you are near me and in spirit as well
Yet you have yet to make your move to find me
Dont waste too much time as life is short
Set forth your energy to find me cause I want to be

Held in your charms
Held in your fingertips
Held within your spirit
just held

i'm waiting for you to reach out
hold me

No More

No more self sabotage.
No more darkness.
No more putting self down.
No more putting things off.
No more swimming in negativity.
No more claiming the victim role.
No more bad thoughts.
No more fears.
No more worries.
No more running.
Stop.
Pause.
Think.
Move on.
Forward.
Period.

It Was You

Lying here with you, never expected it to ever come true
You whisked into my life when I needed you so ever so
Turned my life inside out to reveal the inner love within
Each passing day has brought more light to my darkness
Revealing that in fact that my time has come to love again

You've reminded me that I can love again
You've reminded me that I can be loved again
You've reminded me that I can be somebody's somebody
It was you I've been waiting for

All the work has paid off for this amazing adventure set ahead
Patience has taught me that you were the reward for my struggles
You've now seen my tears, my pain and yet you stand by me daily
Our future together has yet to be determined but will be endless love

You've accepted me for who I am
You've created the possibilities
You've helped me in ways thought inpossible
It was you I've been waiting for

I had given up on any chance of a real connection ever being made
Yet you enter my world putting a spell on me to wake me up inside
The fire is burning, the candles are lit, the engine is revving
Now we must carry this on for the rest of our lives

You are everything I've ever wanted
You are everything I've ever desired
You are everything
It was you I've been waiting for

d.

(2011)