I Want My Life Back

selfishness is a way of life, we all have our reasons
for what we want, for what we have, for what we don't have
what does one do when you want something but your heart doesn't agree
how can you make yet another decision that will impact the people you love
life is not fair, nor is it supposed to be, yet we only get one chance
i feel like i am at a crossroad all alone lost in which direction to take
should i stay, should i go, shall i dream big, or let the nightmare within continue
why must my compass always be broken never pointing in the right direction
i am where i am today because of the choice to come here and achieve a goal
yet i am not happy, the level i am at now is low, sad, tears stream down cheek daily
happiness can be found in many different levels for i have felt them over the years
but sadness is like dying of a slow death, no matter where i try to stem the energy
i still feel all alone and now more than ever i feel useless in this shell i reside
what is my purpose now, why am i all alone, what is my motivation now
i am dying slowly within once again, the compass points in one direction
and that is out from where i am at now, but where do i go now, where is my home
my role for which i have to be is not fulfilling as i am just a body on a couch
i want so much more than what i am doing now, i want my life back, i miss LIFE
being young still allows me the ability to achieve even more goals than i have before
the mojo has been lost in the last year, the dreams, the energy, the light...
all has faded into a cloud of dust and it's time to find that motivation again
whatever i decide, does not change who i love, but this location drowns me
always grasping for anything possible to pull me up so i can breathe
destiny, fate, "meant to be" is all just a mirage of the reality that i am not there
in retrospect of reading my poetry from the last few years i see something deep
something more than my current capabilities are even reaching while just sitting here
someone give me a lighter, ignite my fire, flame the highest flame for which i am
nobody should have to just sit by and wait for something to happen, good or bad
i feel i am wasting away day in an day out, and am getting older each day
am only at the start of my journey i started years ago, but on pause this last year
so many ideas, so many hopes, so much change i want to be a part of, yet nothing
i answer to no one, and no matter what i do will never please those around me
whether i stay home and be a hermit or go out and conquer the next chapter of my life
someone, somewhere, here or there, will have me feel guilty for my decisions
i live for me and i live for my son, but for me i am not "living" and it's my time
selfish or not, i want my life back.

d.

Is There Really Somebody for Everyone

a lot of people have had their first loves
some of them have never even had a chance
they say that there is someone for everyone
i tend to think that is not true anymore
sending light and love out in the universe
only to get nothing back in return so far
with so much that i can give to someone
you'd think that someone would come this way
i put up the walls for so long but they are crumbling
wishing that some energy would whisk by taking me
in my heart i feel that i will be alone forever
even with the twinkle of hope that destiny has someone for me
i've gotten strong over the last few years, claiming i am fine
when in reality i've never felt so alone in my life
isolated self to my caged home looking for the key
but why bother anymore looking for a key
i am turning more into the bitter old man that i made fun of
the community for which i am a part of is filled with disgust
embarassed to even be a label for which i feel i even am not
so tell me is there really someone out there for everyone
because in my mind, i can't see me ever happy with someone
and this world for which i am in now is full of sadness
i dont need a fucking medication to force me to feel otherwise
it is the reality that i am alone and sick of it
i am human, i have desires, wishes, dreams, but that is all they are
false visualations of the reality that there isn't someone for everyone
it is all game in the world of love or lack thereof
nobody is good enough to just be themselves and accept others for flaws and all
to be "perfect" is only way to really make it right, beauty, no brains
well i say fuck that because i will remain alone as i wont conform
to be anything more than what i am now, which is a good human with a soul
not playing the victim card anymore, just my eyes see and my heart feels
the truth
the pain
the sadness
did i make my point, no
will i, no
just words written
nothing can express how i truly feel inside
i am from another planet
i am from another world
i am from another galaxy
i am from another soul
because the way i feel inside, nobody out there can even remotely feel the same way
finding mister or miss right is not even in the picture
none of this "the time will come when you least expect it"
along with all the other words of wisdom "they" say...
the simplicity of my writing is this
i just want to love and be loved in return
accepted for me
simple?
apparently not.

d.

Be A Man

What's so hard to just look within your heart and you soul to find yourself
You have to experience some real self-reflecting times in order to say bye
Close off that world you thought existed when reality is that this is it
The way I feel for you can never be described in words that come across me
Clear your mind of all what you think it should be like and enjoy the time
Even for a while just give yourself to me and forget the world around us
For once in your life be a man and give yourself to someone else now
No more being selfish and stereotypical when there is so much you are missing out on
And you know I will be there waiting for you when you take that step forth
Hold on we can make it together if you are willing to give it a try, please try
Just call my name and I will be right there but I wont wait forever so be a man
Be a man, live your life for yourself, quit trying to please everyone else
Do what feels right within, the exterior rarely completes a set of lovers
The heart is deepened with layers of experiences and memories you can't imagine
Just know that I am right here watching you turn into the man you should be
The man who hides deep within the community that has turned him into this monster
Just be the man you are and let the light shine bright and welcome change and love
Then you can return to love someone fully instead of loving thyself more
Don't be sad now, just being honest with you cause the truth is heartfelt
I have been in your shoes, got sick and tired of being sick and tired of men
We live in a world where men don't listen, nor care, so I had to float away from it
No warning labels no more must you wear when you live the life you want to
Be a man, my friend, and you will find a light that burns your soul alive
Just be a man for the first time in your life...

d.

Left Outside Alone

It may be cold outside tonight during this snowy winter
I am heated inside knowing that you are waiting for me
Now I can say I know what it feels like to be left outside alone
It's cold out here, but I am warming up now knowing your there
All my life I have been waiting for a heater like you to embrace me
The cold is there but the comfort is there knowing you are heating it up
Being left outside alone for so long reminded me of what I had missed out on
Now inside I am warming up to the knowledge that my heart is becoming unfrozen
You exist I feel it, why did I shut myself out here all alone for so long
The presence of your soul is getting close as the heat is turning up hotter
I start to shake it off and look around, seeing you in the distance
I am no longer outside left all alone that you are here, you said you come
Baby you should realize that I waited a long time out here in the cold
For someone like you to step my direction and now I am all thawed out awaiting
What are you waiting for now, I am right here in front of you now, hold me
Never let me go and never leave me to be left ouside alone again
Every season will be comfortable now that you are in my world
You must have been sent from up above because I have prayed for this day
and now I know what it's like to be part of the fairy tale with meaning...

d.

When I Close My Eyes

No matter where I go, I always feel you with me
Walking through each day that is given to me
Knowing you are there when the time comes
Where you are is something I have yet to uncover
Hearing your heartbeat through your chest I yearn for

When I close my eyes late at night, I see you
When I close my eyes late at night, I hear you
When I close my eyes late at night, I feel you
I have not met you yet, but you are out there
I have not heard you yet, but you are talking to me
I have not felt you yet, but you are holding me

I have dreamt of you for many years, but fear held me back
Now time has come to let you in, if only you could find me
Life is so short, so precious, so hard, be easier with you here
Carry me over the threshold of love within my heart, it's beating

Love me from afar, but hold me close tonight
Never give up, that feeling you have within
Is me reaching out to you, I am right here
Keep looking and you shall find all you've wanted
I been wanting you, I've dreamt you to life
You just have to keep heading down the path
and we shall run into each other in time

When I close my eyes, I know you are out there.

d.