I'm Back

So the move was successful. I love my new place. It's out in country of small town outside my hometown, not far from my son and from my work. It's so quiet, quaint and simple - hence the simple life that I have been looking for - for so long. Week one of training is complete of work; this week all new. My apartment is hella cute, and thanks to my mom, my dad and time and effort and some fundage, I am "home" and feels good. More goals coming this summer with disability, custody case, work and more.

Tired now...the creativity will flow soon!

d.

slow times

packing
moving
training
working
unpacking
errands
exhaustion

be back on June 30th or so when settled in new apartment - busy right now.

d.

Home "Away" From Home

a big town guy moving again
to a small town
where it's so quiet and refreshing
a small quaint town
outside of my hometown
a gas station
a local grocery
nothing fancy
a great apartment
peaceful
far away from the city
close enough to work
a home away from home
is where i plan to be
pics to come soon

(sign lease tomorrow)

lowercase d with a period

so my "signature" name now is "d."
not D
not D.
not d
not dee
not doug

just
lowercase d with a period.

d.

got it? good!

where ever he is tonight

Underneath this evening sky tonight
I envision him
I sense he is out there
I feel the breeze upon my skin
knowing it's touching him as well
we are breathing this same air
in and out of our bodies
he is lying in bed right now
just as I am tonight
his soul is on fire awaiting mine
living for the moment
always knowing tomorrow is coming
but i love this person yet never met him
he will find me
he will love me
he will accept me
and i will return the same
the bond we feel right now
will secure a future in our destiny
our design will bring us together then
but right now
i want to be wherever he is tonight

I Want To Change

I want to change but how do I change?
When my life has led me down this road
It's my thoughts that I want to rearrange
To exit this mindset that needs to unload

My intentions have always been truly pure
Yet my actions speak louder than them
The energy is starting to be felt for sure
I know now that the light has brought him

My past is over, it's done and it's final
No more proving to anyone who I can be
Those days behind me are no longer in denial
Now when he looked at me now I can see

He tells me that physicality is an illusion
I still want to look better for myself
Yet I have to get rid of thoughts of intrusion
My heart no longer will set on a shelf

I thank the Creator for having me put to the test
It takes a lot of energy to survive in this life
For now I look forward to lying my head on his chest
So now I can finally throw away that emotional knife

I want to change, so how do I do change now
Send me the light and then I will see how

give you more

i never wanted to have you be without
i never wanted to have you grow so distant
i never wanted to have you be full of anger
i never wanted to have you resent me
i never wanted to have you look at me that way
i never wanted to have you see me this way
i never wanted to have you become so destructive
i never wanted to have you lose yourself in your path
i never wanted you to be from a broken home
i never wanted you to be torn between two forces
i never wanted you to be turned against me
i never wanted you to be the one who called the shots
i never wanted you to get away with all of this
i never wanted you to rid of me the way you want
i never wanted you to threaten my life
when i have done nothing so horrid
to make you feel such deep emotion
in time you will open up the shell
and release all the emotions
because all I ever wanted
was to give you more

d.

cross country gypsy

many of miles i have traveled
from the midwest to the south
from the west coast
to the mountains of the east coast
i have seen a lot of scenery
mountains, deserts, lakes
sky lines, cloud formations
small towns and big cities
met a lot of people
from friends to business coworkers
have yet to make any real place a home
not sure where home is
i can take off on the pavement at any time
and begin yet another road trip
that isn't a round trip, again
with my current situation i am not sure
of what i should do or where i should go
do i give up on what God gave me
or fight for the future of a child
leaving again will only prolong his anger
yet staying could be a waste of time
the roads that cross our country await me
yet i want to make a stable life for me
here, not far from home
find stability and build respect back
earn the love of a youngster who hates me
selfishness or selflessness
which one will end in a more positive decision
no matter what i chose
what i do
where i end up
my determination is still strong
i am still trying to figure out
why i am here in this world
and what my life is all about
i dont want to be this person you see
but be the man i am inside that has yet to evolve
the pavement awaits me
whether it be across town
or across the country
the gypsy is still alive.

d.

Just Who Said

who said who we can be
who said what we can wear
who said where we can live
who said why does it hurt
who said when we die
who said who we can love
who said what we can do
who said where we can go
who said why there is pain
who said who we choose to love
who said what we want in life
who said where we can work
who said why we are here
who said when our time is up
who said who we really are
who said what life is about
who said where life begins
who said why we have sadness
who said when we it's over
who said who is your almighty
who said what we are supposed to believe
who said where we belong
who said why there are are choices
who said when it's not fair
who said who is responsible
who said what the meaning of life is
who said where our paths will take us
who said why our heart bleeds in pain
who said when we would have the answers
who made these rules
cause i'd like to meet you.
you only get one chance
don't blow it
live your life
for you.

If...I'd

if i had my child to raise all over again
i'd build self-esteem first, and the house later
i'd finger-paint more and point the finger less
i'd do less correcting and more connecting
i'd take more hikes and fly more kites
i'd be there for him rather than be far away
i'd let him learn from me as I learn from him
i'd stop playing serious and seriously play
i'd teach him to to fight instead of fighting with him
i'd run through more fields and gaze at more stars
i'd do more hugging and less tugging
i'd show him what a leader is rather than a follower
i'd be firm less often and affirm much more
i'd model less about the love of power
AND MORE ABOUT THE POWER OF LOVE AND TRUST

d.

The Guy

I'm the guy who will text you every single morning and tell
you good morning and every single night to tell you sweet dreams.

I'm the guy who when away from you will ask you to hold your pillow as if I am there
with you.

I'm the guy who will text you and tell you "i love you and you make me smile" just because.

I'm the guy who surprise you with something you never would see coming.

I'm the guy who will blindfold you and take you to the beach, let you run your toes through the sand and then make you guess where we are.

I'm the guy who will hold you when you're crying and wipe away your tears.

I'm the guy who won't pressure you to do things you dont want to.

I'm the guy who will climb up the tree outside your window, throw small rocks to get your attention, just to say hello.

I'm the guy who kisses you on the forehead.

I'm the guy who doesn't kiss and tell.

I'm the guy who won't lie to you about where he's going or where he's been or who he's been with.

I'm the guy who'll randomly tickle you just to hear you giggle.

I'm the guy who actually listens to you when you talk.

I'm the guy who's excited all day because i'm looking forward to our date that night.

I'm the guy who is content with the simplicity of it all

I'm the guy who is just me

Are you the guy, too?

just a click away...

your scent i have yet to smell
your eyes i have yet to gaze in
your embrace i have yet to feel
your lips i have yet to kiss
your hands i have yet to hold
your mind i have yet to learn
your hair i have yet to caress
your shoulders i have yet to massage
your legs i have yet to admire
your smile i have yet to visualize
your back i have yet to spoon with
your bed i have yet to share
your world i have yet to enter
your dreams i have yet to make true
your fantasies i have yet to fulfill
your warmth i have yet to feel
your wishes i have yet to command

but until then,
i am just a click away

so click it.

d.

To Chase, 2009

Just made this and uploaded to You Tube, and burnt a copy for him and mailed to him.

d.

three and a half decades

3
1/2
decades
wow
a statement i made tonight i used that
three and a half decades
equalling 35
that's my age
surprising that I am nowhere near where I hoped to be by now
this could be my mid-life re-evaluation of my inner soul
but realizing what i have failed to accomplish
really opens up my heart to want to do better
fight the demons, face the anger, and search the light
before i am gone from this body and shell
i want to make a name for myself
and make a change in the world
help others in their time of need
since i have taken from so many energies in this world
i want to give back to the world around me
release the selfishness and gain the selflessness instead
three and a half decades are gone and over
i pray i get another three and a half decades to come
and get my second (third, fourth, fifteenth) wind
to show just what i was born to do
instead of this existance i have endured

d.

Dear Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

This month marks two anniversaries. Nearly 24 years ago we met. We both were in summer school and we liked each other; and we began to date; for several years through middle school. I ended up coming to your school after all during my parent's divorce; and I was not very nice to you back in the day during that first year; you were made fun of; I was made fun of; we were like water and oil in that high school; but after two decades we kept in touch no matter where I lived, we were connected via online for all those years; then sadly you were taken away from our world last summer at the very young age of 35; and now one year has passed and I am missing you as I need a real friend, and you were my longest, dearest friend; I know you are here with me now and I hope you are an angel now as we were getting reconnected when I moved back last time; the book you got for me on ebay will be a prized posession of mine for life and will never get rid of it; heck I need to finish reading it; you were a unique, special woman and you are forever loved and missed, and one day we will meet again.

Love and Miss Ya Jen!

d.

Unloveable

Do people really even know how to love
how to receive the love they are given
Do we know how much we are really loved
or are some of us just so unloveable
thirty five years have passed me by thus far
exhausted from the running and fears
putting up this wall up so no one can
find me
like me
love me
be with me
I feel so unloveable by another human
no matter how much I want to love someone
I dont feel that I can be loved in returned
I tried to love, but ended, never been loved since
women or men; they seem to want one thing
and that is last on my list
as I just want to be loved and be loveable
but sometimes I wonder if this curse of darkness
prevents me being loved
so am i unloveable
or have i yet to shine in the heart of that special someone

d.

Here I Go Again

Got the job.
Start soon.
Then own apartment.
Then custody battle will ensue.
Complete independence.
Away from the darkness.
No more dark clouds from her hanging above.
Another chapter in the never ending chaos
will write this one differently
with God's guidance and reassurance
knowing I will be free
and if the shackles aren't broken off my ankles
then I will cut my feet off damn it! (Saw reference)

d.

have a pulse, have a purpose

life is a gift
most of us take it for granted
we pass each day
not knowing that others are out there
poor
starving
homeless
alone
scared
there are people who are worse off than us
dying
aging
fearing
lifeless
today is the only day we can worry about
we only can live in the moment
most of us are in the fast lane
while others are slowing down daily
but my new perspective on life is that
if you have a pulse,
then you have a purpose
i heard the quote yesterday on an interview
and today made a whole difference in my own mindset
we are here for a reason
why?
who knows?
feel it within your heart
dont play the victim
go out and MAKE it happen
don't just exist in this body we were given
the soul within needs to flourish forever
so find your purpose
i am finding mine right now at 35
and until you have no pulse
you have a purpose

do it!

d.

this version of me is only temporary

the body is a shell
to the human soul
my body has been tormented
my mind has been tortured
but i am coming out
swinging and stronger than ever now
more determined than ever before
to fight
for me
my son
and for our future
if denied what i am trying
i will not give up
nor will i move away
because my love for him
will keep me fighting
until I win
i've been depressed
over and over and over
so angry at his mother for everything
and now i am free
free of her
free of the dark cloud held over me
for oh so many years
now i may find peace
not only within
but fight and know my rights
as a father
and a person
in this life that only get one chance
yes i have messed up in the past
but those chapters have already been written
this moment right now that we are in
is all that matters
and tomorrow is a gift because all we have
...is today

exhausted

taking a break from creativity; a lot going; inspiration to come.

peace,

d.

dys-fuck-tional families

family
what does it mean
to you
to me
are we bred to be the "brady bunch"
when reality we are living like "roseanne"
some are rich
most are poor
some have married parents
most have them divorced
some have siblings
most are alone
families are torn apart by many reasons
a simple change or change of tough times
can tear a family apart for good
some families can't be repatched
no matter how hard they try
sometimes a child hates their parents
unfortunately, some parents despise their own
over time families die off
one by one
until you are alone
some families disown one of their own
for whatever reason
some families share many memories and holidays
while others end up homeless and penniless
moral of the story in my book is
that i never really had the family bond i dreamed of
and so i went out way too young to create that family
and now over a decade later
well...i miss my family

Were The World Mine

Were the world mine
there would be only love
were the world mine
there would be no hate
were the world mine
there would be all equality
were the world mine
there would be no wars
were the world mine
there would be united hope
were the world mine
there would be no diseases
were the world mine
there would be no financial ruin
were the world mine
there would be contagious laughter
were the world mine
there would be rainbows daily
were the world mine
there would be no violence
were the world mine
there would be no illegal drugs
were the world mine
there would be hate crimes
were the world mine
there would be no homelessness
were the world mine
there would be someone for everyone
were the world mine
there would be an answer for all my questions

but the world is not mine
but we can make change
can't we?

Hatred.

Angst.
Anger.
Hatred.
Bitterness.
Destructive.
Manipulative.
Demanding.
A follower.
Lost.
Confused.

My son is all of this.
Please pray for my son.
He is on this path of a tornado
and the path is getting worse
and I am going to be out of the picture
by demand and choice
he has declared his long time hatred towards me
please help

Dear God
Guide him
teach him a lesson
to appreciate what he has
instead of what he doesn't have
and to help him find a way to rid this built up anger
release the violence within
show him the way of what life could be
and what it couldnt be
if he continues in this path
let him accept help from others
awaken his heart to know how much that i love him
let him know i will be there when he needs me
keep him safe away from the neighborhood kids
secure his self doubt and that he can do anything
let him know that he is special
and can be something
someday
love him
shelter him
but teach him
the hard way if you must
to awaken his own spirit
for that he will drown
if not

amen