Constellation Conversation

I have given it all my best
treated you better than rest
left cold and lonely in the trail
of these tears that stream my face
like a gypsy, i've traveled around
to find that one and simple place
to call home and know it will all end
but failure seems to be my only trend
as a parent
as a friend
as a husband
as a employee
times like this i just wanna disappear
into the mist that is floating above my head
instead i lie here screaming in the pillow on my bed
what is wrong with me i continue to ask myself
why does my body hate me so much
where is the cure or the doctor to help me
the push
the shove
the back
the forth
yet here i am more angry again
all i want is a warm embrace
and a kiss on my long face
to be held and know that in fact
it will be better someday
will i ever be able to function fully
on every level
love
home
sex
work
parent
was there a spell put on me from the devil himself
for me to just sit and rot like some book on a shelf
someone please come open up this book
and you will see deep within if you only look
that i am dying
that i am screaming
that i am good
and take me away from it all
even for a second

Lost Cause

Lost Cause
by Douglas

A smiling sunshine came my way
to wipe away the darkness felt so long
I became determined to find my soul
and find myself was the ultimate goal

I just wanted to start again and move on
but the physical pain and discomfort
has continued to ruined my chances
just as a newfound soul gave me glances

I been home a year now and still alone
I go online to have interaction with others
At the end of the day all I want is to be held
as I cry away this pain and the loneliness away

As I meet new people I put on a pretty smile
but inside the struggles are going on awhile
You dont much about my life and my past
But here I sit here and another year has passed

No progress in my present situation
I did make a huge breakthrough
With one of the people who ruined me
Forgiving him instead of being vengeful

Another test, another doctor's appointment
No answers yet I can't keep a job or provide
I just want to stand on my own two feet, literally
and have what I thought was rightfully mine

Instead, I am confined to this body that aches
The pain is a reminder that I am trapped with no key
How did I get to this place and this space I invade
When one thing is fixed another gets broken

I am thankful for my child, he's my saviour
Even in these preteen years, he's testing me
but in return I want to reward him for his surviving
He's been through so much in such a short time

I sit here typing this not really knowing what i am saying
I've lost my faith once again and tired of the praying
I have fallen once again, do I have the strength again
I have lifted myself up so many times but I am tired

I want to be held.
I want to be hugged.
I want to be loved.
I want to be the one.
I want to be a fighter.
I dont want to be a victim.
I dont want to be a survivor.
I dont want to disappoint
Myself.
My son.

Again.
And Again.
And Again.

Cause it's a lost cause...